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Laying on the Floor

by Galatea


Uhmm...not good. But good enough, I guess....(note to self, make it not suck...)

* * *

on my back
broken wings of light scatter and spin above my head
streched feline regal belly exposed
warmed by the splash of light upon the floor
caressing my porcelin white barely round belly
eyes closed
imagining the feeling of hands on my flesh
fingers once sweet tracing every last little curve
wandering and curious
warm like the light splattering the off white carpet
and now only the light
only the light
touches that once-loved body surrendered to your light
that light
its the whisper of the moonlight
its the broken glass splash of autumn light
its the glistening faery wings of spring
please
take away those fingers
and let me forget


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Mon Mar 03, 2008 8:52 pm
CK Lynn wrote a review...



I liked it, it was quite different and didn't come right out and say "I am a cat" in the first line. There was one problem, and that was the overuse of the same word. THe three I saw were "broken" "belly" and "light".




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Thu Dec 09, 2004 9:38 pm
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WinterGrimm says...



Yes. I like.

Some lines still seem a bit long for the piece. but indentation of some of the smaller lines might give it a good look too. (unfortunanly indentation is unliked by the site). Other than that, yeah. Those little edits make a real difference.




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Thu Dec 09, 2004 6:03 pm
Galatea says...



okay, here's a revision. I'M KEEPING BELLY DAMNIT!!! I LIKE BELLY!!! *breaths deep* But other than that, I tried to change according to your suggestions. Whattcha think?

***

on my back
broken wings of light scatter and spin above my head
feline recline
regally exposed
warmed by a splash of light
caressing my porcelin white
barely round belly
eyes closed
imagining the feeling of hands on my flesh
fingers once sweet tracing every last little curve
wandering and curious
warm like the light splattering the off white carpet
and now only the light
only the light
touches that once-loved body surrendered to your light
that light
its the whisper of the moonlight
its the broken glass splinters of autumn light
its the glistening dewy splash of spring
please
take away those fingers
and let me forget




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Thu Dec 09, 2004 5:06 pm
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Chevy wrote a review...



well, in my opinion, the word 'belly' just takes away from the seriousness of the poem. i hate words like that--of course, this is only my personal assessment so dont go thinking that you should change it just because of what i or someone else may think. basically, i'm saying besides the 'belly' part, this is a very meaningful and powerful poem...i understand where you're going with this,




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Thu Dec 09, 2004 7:28 am
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WinterGrimm wrote a review...



warmed by the splash of light upon the floor

cut upon the floor. just warmed by the splash of light


its the glistening faery wings of spring

as much as i love a good fey reference. i don't think it fits.

Its good. Very visual and sleek and sexy. It has a great rhythm to it and would sound great read aloud.




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Thu Dec 09, 2004 6:00 am
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Tessitore wrote a review...



*rolls in poetic goodness* I like. Suggestions?

streched feline regal belly exposed

Too busy. Too many things you want to convey in this line. Break it up and make it a bit... less.
warmed by the splash of light upon the floor

I think "on the floor" would sound better... maybe?
caressing my porcelin white barely round belly

Again just a few too many things happening. Space it out a bit.

Other then that...

*rolls in poetic goodness*




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Thu Dec 09, 2004 4:15 am
Galatea says...



No. I like belly. Thanks for playing.

Hmm a bit with a dog, eh?

Mistaken identies, a pirate king, a bit with a dog and love triumphant. Would that help?




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Thu Dec 09, 2004 3:21 am
A.O. Avalon says...



Make it not suck. And could there be a bit with a dog? (I <3 Geoffery Rush.)

Can you use a synonym for belly in the fifth line?

More later, I need to decompress.





We understand how dangerous a mask can be. We all become what we pretend to be.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind