Published June 17, 2008
The Chamber
The silence is suffocating.
Life consigned to
eternal punishment here
deadens, decays, dies in a few days.
Chained to walls,
spirits breathe
invisible prayers, as they
rot like abandoned carcasses.
They retreat into an
inner sanctum:
the eternal gift that colours their souls,
suffocates the chains closing their hearts.
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140,581 Literary Works • 673,530 Reviews
Wow...very nice choice of words! This is a beautiful piece. I enjoyed it.
Very good. Keep it up!
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The Chamber
The silence is suffocating.
Life consigned to
eternal punishment here
deadens, decays, dies in a few days.--- i think you should have an "and" before dies
Chained to walls,
spirits breathe
invisible prayers, as they
rot like abandoned carcasses.
They retreat into an
inner sanctum: -----------you don't need an :
the eternal gift that colours their souls,------- good imagery
suffocates the chains closing their hearts. ------ great ending
i liked this poem but i thought that it could have been a little longer than what it was, it was good but i think if you add onto it it will make it better, just a suggestion
---Jon---
Wow.
This was...poignant, to say the least.
I really like it.
Although, you might wanna work a little bit on the flow and rhythm of the poem.
Beautiful, really beautiful. I love the way each stanza seemed to be a great struggle of breathing. I could practically hear the labored inhale and exhale. Wonderful work.
My only constructive comment is that you might want to consider revising the last line of the first stanza, "dies in a few days". You might want to try putting it "deadens, dies, decays in a few days", because decaying before death is a little harder to envision. Also, compared to the rest, "in a few days" seems a bit flat. Try "dies in a heartbeat" or something like that.
Anyway, enough with all that nonsense. Amazing job. Can't wait to read more of your work.
This was really good! I love the wordings that you used, and really anything else. It all worked out quite well. It gave me brilliant, vivid images, and all in all, it was just wonderful.
My favorite part was:
because of the rhyme. It was really awesome. I wish I had something constructive, but this is pretty much perfect on its own. To make this review a bit longer, I'll go over each stanza. Although, I admit, I'm terrible with poetry.
Love the word consigned. It just fits so perfectly. Awh, man, why are you so incredible? The third line, "eternal punishment here" I think needs a period at the end of it. If you do that, then capitalize the 'd' on 'deadens'.
Again, beautiful imagery here. No complains. The only thing that slightly bugs me here is the comma on the third line. But, seeing as it's not an error, I'll just let that be.
I'm going to echo what I said about the stanza above me. Beautiful. Perfect, and it ends with a bang. All in all, this was very well done, and I'm excited for you. You're an incredible author, so keep writing.