Published June 19, 2008
Surrender
All our secrets
lie bare before us.
The sheets are a pristine white canvas,
ready to cloud with our frustrations.
The key turns in her fleshy lock.
Behind her door,
the agony we once hid
bursts forth
and spills across the room
in fiery animalistic passion,
a raging torrent
whose silky stains
smother our distress,
as we lock hair and hands
in naked desire.
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140,714 Literary Works • 673,675 Reviews
I really liked this. The only thing that bothered me was "animalistic". It was so long and it just disrupted the flow. Try a more concise word there.
Aside from that, I'm fairly useless in critiquing this. It's really good. I especially liked
Great job and keep writing!
I'd probably cut those first two lines. They're too said. They don't have an originality that draws the reader in. Plus, the other two lines would make a stronger introduction as they are more creative.
Fleshy lock? C'est bien! Loved that. The rest? I don't think it's all that effective. Don't bother telling us that agony lies behind the door, just describe it. Also, if you describe it your reader will get a better feel for what is going on. It's too inaccessible currently. I can just see, "Behind her door, her hearts a magicians box/
with swords run through." or even something totally different which would convey the agonies so much better.
Not too fond of the animalistic passion. It's been said before. Passion could be so many other things, which would carry more creative weight.
I like some of the phrases in this poem, but when added altogether it isn't a very comprehensive picture. It's vague in parts, not passionate enough in others and then so very well described in others.
Perhaps two mains suggestions.
1. Make the passion that you are detailing matched in the pace and the descriptions of the poem. The only way that your reader know that this is passionate is because you tell them so. Describe the passion and then you'll create a semblance of that passion in your reader. You could play around with longer sentences to acquire a breathless feel or shorter ones to pour more meaning into something said.
2. Don't be so vague. Choose something that you want to word towards and then make every line and every work a movement towards that. The poem at the start is disconnected, I'm not sure what the blank canvass really conveys to the reader. I'm sure you know what you want to say, but it doesn't come through strongly enough.
With some work this could be much better, but it has promise.
Ahh! I've written your review but accidentally pressed the back button, and now have to start all over again! ughhh!
Okay, nice ending! I enjoyed the metaphors and your style. This is one of those poems that when you re-read a couple times, you better a understanding each time.
But, your intro (first two lines) was... weak. To me at least. I can tell you have the potential to write an intro so compelling, the Earth would stop spinning just so it could redirect it's path and revolve around your poem. Show me that please!
I also like how you divided your stanzas. It gave a nice effect.
*pants* Whew! Doing that again was a pain!
So, to end my review, shall I be keeping an eye out for you?