Published June 13, 2008
Exodus
Amended according to elephant's suggestions.
We have not deserted
our bloodied, beloved city.
The gods have deserted us,
on the day that
Earth tore herself apart,
engulfing us in her fury.
All that we once treasured
now lies buried
under a sea of stone and steel.
The genesis
of that moment
- when disaster
drowned out normality -
echoes over the land.
Terror rolled towards us
like a surging tide,
bent on wiping away
all trace of our existence.
We are lucky
to have washed up
in this godforsaken hellhole,
amid what flotsam of civilisation
has escaped the
drowning,
while we savour
the daily ritual of
bathing our hearts in alien goodness.
Meanwhile,
all our sorrows amass from the abyss
into one screaming torrent,
a vengeful god whose
muddied mouth
roars towards
the carcass of humanity
decaying, desiccating
in the desert sun.
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140,592 Literary Works • 673,545 Reviews
dramatic! wonderful! i don't know what else to say! it's an awesome poem filled with emotion! Great job! Can't wait to read more of your stuff!!! Again awesome poem!
My first impression is that it's wordy, particularly in the last stanza, and melodramatic. I think a line-by-line critique is appropriate!
I'd cut both "bloodied" and "beloved" from the second line, and move the remainder up to the first line:We have not deserted our city. This is a much more powerful line for its simplicity.
The emphasis on us would normally follow if the first line had been "We have not deserted our gods," but because it is not, the second sentence isn't opposing anything. You might say,
But the gods have deserted us.
The first two lines aren't grammatically correct. You're saying "The gods have deserted us on the day..." where "The gods deserted us..." would be appropriate.
I've never been a fan of the word "engulfing," partly because I think it's overused. You could cut that last line entirely, or at least nix that word. Substitute something along these lines:
...Earth's fury tore her apart
or
...Earth tore herself apart
and we fell before her fury.
"All that we once treasured" is melodramatic and cliche. The part here worth saving is "stone and steel." Not a huge fan of "a sea"...it's also cliche, and makes the alliteration sound forced.
Again, very wordy. I love the word "genesis," always been a fan, but it loses its power when it's lumped in with the other babble, particularly "when disaster drowned out normality". Lines like that sound cool, but they don't mean much. It's like eating string beans (much as I love them) when you were expecting a rich, strawberry-covered cheesecake.
How can disaster drown out normality? How can genesis echo? Don't depend on big words and abstract metaphors to make your poem.
Here it's better, because you gave the abstract concept "terror" an image, the "surging tide", but I'm just not a fan of that image. Cliche much? I don't think this sentence is necessary to the poem at all, and it could easily be chopped.
"Godforsaken" and "hellhole" are practically redundant! Why not say, "We are lucky to have washed up here"? Simplicity is elegance.
Egad, so many words, so little time! I don't even know what this means anymore. What is this alien goodness the speakers are bathing their hearts in? What on earth does that mean? And, most importantly, why should I as the reader care?
And this, finally...I have no idea what to make of this. Here are words that are large/abstract/annoying and thus unnecessary unless you're going to make good use of them:
amass
abyss
vengeful
muddied mouth
carcass
humanity
decaying
desiccating
It's like being hit over the head with a dictionary! All of these words are perfectly good by themselves, but thrown into a few lines all together and it's like eating a seven-course meal in one bite. (Note the many food analogies? Yes, I am hungry right now.)
All in all, cut the wordiness (if I haven't already made that clear already, haha), use more/richer imagery.
-Colleen
Very dramatic poem! I loved the way you wrote a picture. This was very descriptive and detailed.
I agree with elephantwalrus that there is no towards. It's just, toward.
Overall, great job. I really loved the imagery. Keep writing!
Becca
The edited draft is better. I still think that the profuse line breaks are unnecessary and distracting, but other than that, the edited draft is much improved.
The most glaring mistake I saw was this:
There is no such thing as "towards," "backwards," "onwards," etc. It's always just "toward," "forward," "backward," etc.
Other than that, it looks pretty good to me. I think you'd benefit from having a fresh pair of eyes read over it (besides myself). I like the images that you use better now. They're really dramatic, which can be for better or worse.
I hope I've been of some help to you!
River
Sorry that I've been so nit-picky! Honestly, I did not love that you compared one type of disaster to another; it's like saying the tsunami was like the earthquake, or the Rottweiler was like the German Shepherd, or the Coke was like the Pepsi. I understand you were trying to write an extended metaphor, but I'd suggest using a better contrasting image to earthquake. If you do that, the poem will be loads better.
Make sure not to over-do it with the side metaphors, though. It is essential that all of your metaphors make sense, and make the reader think, "Wow, he's so right! I've never thought of it that way," instead of, "How is that like this, again?"
Finally, I'd suggest not adding all of the line breaks. If you rejoin all the lines to make them longer, the reader will speed up the reading of the poem at the right times, giving a sense of anticipation. As it is right now, the line breaks only distract the reader and slow them down (in my opinion).
Sorry that I've been so picky over everything! I think you have a great idea, but when it comes down to it, I didn't like the imagery that you used. Just to clarify, I loved your alliteration and diction. They make your poem clever and sophisticated. Keep writing, and PM me if you have any questions!
River