Athena, Your Hatred Stays Strong

GagaBowie wrote:I forgive you not, Athena.
For what you've done to me.
An unbearable decay of skin and blood, a walking Gorgan corpse.
Feared by all.
It was not my fault, my fault alone.
Of Poseidon's wretched doing in your holy temple and shrine,
he has poisoned the well of purity and light that I had drunk from by your feet.
He stole my innocence and devoured all what I was.
My goddess, an incurable act - you have banished me to an unthinkable layer of fire
and stone.
Serpent hair and bronze knuckles.
Golden wings and eyes who turn very men to stand still in time, in time frozen forever.
Cement soldiers who's armour served them no use.
Athena, should you never forget me.
The vicious monster that I am, for an act I committed not alone and not for lust or pleasure.
Now, I will fall back asleep and wait...
Wait, for the next hero I will only have to slay with one look.

Hey, good poem! I love Athena and Greek mythology. I just think that was so cool. I like! It sounded like a real person from that time era would say that.

GagaBowie wrote:I forgive you not, Athena.
For what you've done to me. There shouldn't be a period between those lines.
An unbearable decay of skin and blood, a walking Gorgan corpse. "Unbearable" doesn't work here. Why is it unbearable? Don't summarize things, explain everything. The decay is unbearable because... it was a Gorgan corpse. By Gorgan corpse, we can assume it was unbearable. So, no need for unbearable.
Feared by all. Weak line. To make this stronger, use something like "Dreaded by the blind earth." Dreaded is a stronger form of feared, and blind earth shows that the people can not look at her.
It was not my fault, my fault alone. This line is unnecessary, because later you explain how it was not her fault, and with much better imagery, too.
Of Poseidon's wretched doing in your holy temple and shrine,
he has poisoned the well of purity and light that I had drunk from by your feet.
He stole my innocence and devoured all what I was.
My goddess, an incurable act - you have banished me to an unthinkable layer of fire
and stone.
Serpent hair and bronze knuckles.
Golden wings and eyes who turn very men to stand still in time, in time frozen forever.
Cement soldiers who's whose armour served them no use.
Athena, should you never forget me.
The vicious monster that I am, for an act I committed not alone and not for lust or pleasure.
Now, I will fall back asleep and wait... Now, I will take to my slumber, muscles coiled in wait...
Wait, for the next hero I will only have to slay with one look.

GagaBowie wrote:I forgive you not, Athena.
For what you've done to me.
An unbearable decay of skin and blood, a walking Gorgan corpse.
Feared by all.
It was not my fault, my fault alone.
Of Poseidon's wretched doing in your holy temple and shrine,
he has poisoned the well of purity and light that I had drunk from by your feet.
He stole my innocence and devoured all what I was.
My goddess, an incurable act - you have banished me to an unthinkable layer of fire
and stone.
Serpent hair and bronze knuckles.
Golden wings and eyes who turn very men to stand still in time, in time frozen forever.
Cement soldiers who's armour served them no use.
Athena, should you never forget me.
The vicious monster that I am, for an act I committed not alone and not for lust or pleasure.
Now, I will fall back asleep and wait...
Wait, for the next hero I will only have to slay with one look.