Hiya!
Just a quick point - be sure to capitalise all 'I's and the first letters of lines.
that was washed only
to dirty the water.
I liked this bit, nice little similie there.
i see you,
and i sigh
because i remember that
once i looked at you,
and i saw you,
like a red sunrise,
not a sunset
but a sunrise, red and
beautiful, clean,
but now you are only
an old woman
who i remember.
i see you,
and i am pugilistic
ready to stand up for
a wrinkle on your cheek.
You need a lit of puntuation there, it is very hard to read as it is.
Aside from that, I really liked your poem! The message is very nice and I think the idea is very original. The imagery was great to begin with, but sort of... fell down as it progressed.
Not much more to say!
Keep writing!
~D'Aedomir~
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Reviews: 370
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