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by Gadi.

  • Poetry
  • Dramatic

Published March 12, 2008

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Comments & reviews · 2
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Aedomir
Review
Aedomir wrote a review Review · Mar 12, 2008

Hiya!

Just a quick point - be sure to capitalise all 'I's and the first letters of lines.

that was washed only
to dirty the water.


I liked this bit, nice little similie there.


i see you,
and i sigh
because i remember that
once i looked at you,

and i saw you,
like a red sunrise,
not a sunset
but a sunrise, red and

beautiful, clean,
but now you are only
an old woman
who i remember.

i see you,
and i am pugilistic
ready to stand up for
a wrinkle on your cheek.


You need a lit of puntuation there, it is very hard to read as it is.

Aside from that, I really liked your poem! The message is very nice and I think the idea is very original. The imagery was great to begin with, but sort of... fell down as it progressed.

Not much more to say!

Keep writing!

~D'Aedomir~



We understand how dangerous a mask can be. We all become what we pretend to be.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind