Published January 19, 2009
Another Snowfall
The world burrows its arms in my flesh
and another snowfall makes its home—
in the deepest whites of my eyes they mesh,
the ice and the glass, the dead earth combed.
Stems, twigs, wooden white men stand
and another root stiff, ruptures in frost—
a red moon lifts in purple land, as planned,
but the old sun perishes, thus far—dusk.
The eye sheds its white, piercing skin
and another finger atrophied and potted—
in jars, in vinegar, my eyes shut from within.
I sleep alone—waiting for the world to rotten.
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Yeah, I agree, this seems to have echoes of Heaney.
I adore the earthy imagery in this, such as in the first two verses:
"The world burrows its arms in my flesh
and another snowfall makes its home..."
Very evocative and haunting.
Couple of things:
1) "a red moon lifts in purple land, as planned..."
I can see why you used internal rhyme and also the rhyme with "stand," to emphasise the feeling of design and purpose, but for me it doesn't work. Try instead:
"a red moon lifts in purple hills, as planned..."
2) "I sleep alone—waiting for the world to rotten."
This is an excellent ending, but "rotten" is usually an adjective and not a verb. Maybe:
"I sleep alone—waiting for the world to turn rotten."
Hope this helps! Good work!
Gahks
8.5/10
Interesting, it's a very earthy poem - smells of the dark and the dank, I like the style. Very evocative of Heaney to my mind.
I very much appreciate this stanza, I think it flows really well, and it definitely serves well as an opening gambit - it's probably the strongest of your verses, and gives a sense of what the poem will be like all the way through.I think this might flow better if it read, "Stems, twigs, white wooden men stand" but that's just my opinion.
I'm thinking it needs another comma after "root" for the grammar to work here.
Something about the first line of these too irks me, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Perhaps just take a look at it, I guess, see what you think.
I appreciate the language here [VERY Heaney, I'll say again, deliciously full of soil and mould] though I think your rhythm and meter somewhat loses its way here, I can't quite seem to find a flow. Perhaps just take a look at making your lines a little more regular, if you can?
Overall a very poignant effort, I think this holds a lot of promise. With a bit of cleanup, it could be a true salt-of-the-earth delight. Good job!
I really like this poem ^^ The imagery is excellent, though it may be hard to follow for those who don't read much xD I also like the use of metaphors and the wording. I like it ^^