Young Writers Society



The lies words have told us

by GabiSmithMyers


People have always told me

The pen is mightier than the sword

Actions speak louder than words

Sticks and stones may break your bones

But words will never hurt you

But I think their all lies

Each more untrue than the last

Yes people may write to have their voices heard

But people need to care enough to read it

And besides, if you were to go into a war

With hundreds of people shooting at you

And you decided, I'll sit down and write

Would people stop fighting, would anyone care

And sorry to say this you wouldn't be spared

With a sword you can slay, which you can't with a pen

And if actions speak louder than words

How is that true if the words you write

with a pen can outlast the actions of the sword

Now if words will never hurt you

will the time you attempted because of those words hurt you

will the punches you received because of those words hurt you

You remember the name people called you in eighth grade

And the bruises you had on your arm because of those names

You remember it all

So it's all lies.

And besides if actions speak louder than words, Shouldn't all this be showed to you not told to you?

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399 Reviews

Points: 1360
Reviews: 399

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Wed Jun 12, 2019 9:18 pm
Horisun wrote a review...



I like this poem. It has a very good theme, and I really enjoyed reading it. It's mostly grammar errors I'll point out real quick.
First, "Yes people may write to make their voices heard" Should be "Yes, people may write to make their voices heard"
Also, "And sorry to say, you won't be spared" Should probably be, "I'm sorry to say, you won't be spared"
And finally, "And besides, if actions speak louder than words, Shouldn't all this be showed to you not told to you" Should be, "And besides, if actions speak louder than words, shouldn't this all be showed to you, and not told to you?"
Other than that, I'd say the only other thing you'd need to work on is making this flow slightly better. It's a little clunky in some places, but that can be fixed if you play with some of the words a bit.
Overall, this is a really good poem! Once you fix up the grammar, and work on the flow, it will be even better!

Keep on writing, and have a good day or night!




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98 Reviews

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Reviews: 98

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Wed Jun 12, 2019 10:54 am
trashykawa wrote a review...



Hi Gabi! Let's not state the obvious and just get into the reviewing, shall we?

I'm gonna go with the grammar bits first:

But I think their all lies

The highlighted word should be 'they're,' I think.

will the time you attempted because of those words hurt you

So, the above lines seem a bit obscure and isn't very clear. i think you're missing a word or something there? (feel free to ignore me if i'm wrong)

So it's all lies.

there's a singular-plural mistake here. the highlighted word should be 'a lie.' "it's all a lie" is the correct sentence here.

okay, so now that the nitpicks are done, we'll get into the real part.

first - your title and opening lines were great. hooked me up straight away.
however, as one progresses, they find themselves reading contradictory thoughts. for example, there's the instance where you wrote how you think 'the pen isn't mightier than the sword', but then you say, 'words do hurt you.' i think what you meant to say here is that words scar you for life, but the sword does the real killing (is that it?). Over all, the reader gets a bit confused reading the poem.

also, i suggest working with various formatting and styles - you know, personalize your writing, make it your own. it's the only way to distinguish yourself from the millions of other writers out there. I shouldn't comment on the elements of poetry, like similes or meters or whatever- it's really your choice. however, i think this poem could be a bit more prettier, know what i mean?

i think your idea is good- clearly you've been thinking about this a lot. fact is, these quotes only apply to 'sometimes.' i think that's what people generally mean. there's always an exception. it would be incorrect to assume that a metaphor or situation applies to every other situation.

remember, some of your readers may directly disagree with you and what you're saying, and since they are the ones who will be rating and reviewing your work, you need to word yourself more correctly- that's the power of words: you can make someone who disagrees with you believe you.

Anyway, you've got lots of time to learn and gather experience; it'll all come to you. so keep writing, never give up.

:)





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