Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
There is a world that spins freely throughout the universe, completely flat. It obeys no law of physics that we, the viewers, know. There are a multitude of “Gods” that exist in this world, normal objects infused with belief and magic.
Let me now show you a place named “Stonecity”, a place where our protagonist is now waking up…“Hey scumshit! Wake up”A homeless man, with blonde hair and stubble around his mouth, dressed in a tattered robe, patched up shirt and pants, and a patchwork top hat jolts awake in an alleyway covered in graffiti. This man is called Al, and he was a part of the hero’s party as The Mage. Oh yes, magic is a force here as well. It resides in the air and the land itself, breathing life into this irregularity. It runs on a give and take exchange system. For example, if you wanted to cast a simple magic spell like Fireball, all you would need is enough mana in your body, but if you wanted to cast something else like Levitation, you need to hold a balloon filled with helium AND have enough mana to cast the spell. Nowadays people have made a way to use magic without needing to be a mage, via a combination of runes, maths and magic circles. These people are called alchemists.
“Why is he homeless?” you may be asking, and it was his own choice. He was rewarded, but gave away all his money to the world at large to become homeless.
“Are you there? I SAID WAKE UP!” yells an irate guard.“Whuza? Can’t you see it’s too early for this?” Replies Al in a tired voice, lifting up his hat to look at the guard’s face, which held an expression of combined anger, disgust and fear.“Her majesty the Princess wishes you to come join her in her palace IMMEDIATELY!" The guard then spits on the ground in front of Al, almost as if to say “You are worth less than the dried up paint you lie upon.”“Ah, so Pen’s calling me for breakfast again, eh? Lemme get changed real quick. While I go change, please tell her that I’m going to be there soon? We don’t want her getting mad now, do we?” Al walks away into the alleyway. A burst of iridescent light comes from the darkness, and out comes Al, but dressed in a pinstripe suit and a fedora that cast a shadow over his eyes, and a hatchet strapped to his back..“I’m all ready, so shall we go?” Al asks the guards, who back away nervously. Al then remarks, “WAIT! I need a drink first. My mouth is VERY dry.” He saunters past the guards onto the main street that is bustling with market stalls and tourists buying whatever overpriced merchandise they could get their hands on. Two are even fighting over a model of Al in his old mage getup, a greyish-green robe with a floppy hat to match, and an old, gnarled oak staff in his right hand.A statue in the city center depicts the Hero defeating the Demon King, while below it tour guides recite the same old history to those who most likely already know it. Al wanders close enough to hear one of them speak, and they say “ Long ago, there was a great demon war that left the world shattered and broken. A Hero and his Party was chosen to go and slay the lord of these ”Demons”. It has been 12 years since this war had happened, and we have been at peace ever since”
Dwarves and Orcs banter in the smithys and Half-Elves wander from fountain to fountain, serenading anyone who comes by with rather lackluster music. The tramps trudge through the sidelines, invisible to anyone who was even marginally better off than them.Al wanders into a pub, and sees a Half-elf on stage at that moment, playing an acoustic guitar, yet he doesn’t seem to be singing anything. This is Map’le, and he lost his voice in the Great Demon War by protecting a village, and he’s a very famous musician. The bar seems mostly empty due to the time of day being “Too late for work, too early for drinking”. Al sits down at the bar and orders a water with ice. After drinking his beverage, he then finally wandered his way to the center of town, where a castle resides higher than most of the buildings surrounding it. Two men stand on either side of the gates, wielding guns to protect the walls from being graffitied.She’s never gonna let me hear the end of this, Al thinks to himself before pushing the gates open.A butler opens up the castle’s door for him and says “She has been expecting you, sir. Shall I lead you to the dining room?”Al replies saying “No, I know my way around here well enough to AT LEAST get to the dining hall”. As he makes his way through the castle’s interior, he wanders into a courtyard. He spots a crow in his nest above an automaton. This is Corvid, who’s story will be revealed later, but what you should know is that he is a talking crow who was magically bonded to the automaton due to an alchemist’s experiment going horribly wrong. He nods to Al, and Al nods back. He then continues making his way to the dining hall, finally making it there as the clocks around the house begin to strike 9:AM.“And where were you?” Says a comfortably clothed figure sitting at one end of the table. This is Pen, the princess of this castle, heir to the entire Mana StoweTM Enterprise, and Al’s betrothed. Next to her stands her personal guard, Bush. She shares most of the same interests as Pen, and is expertly trained with the saber on her hip.“Sorry, Pen, I woke up like 30 minutes ago due to some rather… rude guards.” Al says as he takes his seat.
“Ooh, bacon and eggs, my favourite” he remarks, then seemingly remembers something.“You wanna hit the town later tonight? I heard Map’le is in town” He says while looking at Bush.Bush blushes and leans down to whisper into Pen’s ear: “Please can we go? I’ve been waiting for this moment for so long!”Pen sighs and say, “Sure, fine, it’s not like I wanted to do anything today anyways”Later that evening, they all went out to a bar that was said to be where Map’le was playing that night. They have a merry time, drinking non-alcoholic drinks and listening to Map’le playing his guitar with vocal backing by other patrons of the pub. Suddenly a slurred voice comes from a very drunk dwarf “You goddamned elf ears are taking all our jobs!”Immediately after he said that, a chair came flying across the room, hitting him directly on his head. Instantly, Map’le starts playing an upbeat, fast song as everyone in the bar yells “BAR FIGHT!” and start leaping at each other over the tables. In a few short minutes, the bar is a mess of bodies and broken wood, with everyone fighting each other, the floor, the walls, or even their own reflections. A man tries to goad Al into fighting him, but he made a big mistake. Al immediately pulls out his hatchet and strikes him in the head, instantly killing him. Others look at Al and the body, and start charging at him. Al weaves the first man’s punches in a boxers stance, then hits him with an uppercut into a face grab and slams him into the ground. The next man is actually a woman, who tries throwing a bar stool at Al, who catches it and carefully puts it down beside him. He then picks up the man he slammed into the ground and slams him into the stool, shattering it and his spine. He takes one of the wooden shards from the remnants of the stool and throws it into the woman’s arm, then sprints up and knees her full force in her chin. One final man braves his chances, and tries to break a bottle over the counter. He then makes a whimpering sound and drops down, clutching his hand which is now streaming with blood. “Nobody these days knows how to properly break a bottle” Al remarks as he steps over the man’s body towards Map’le. He asks Map’le “You wanna come join us at the castle? We do have an extra room for you.”
Map’le looks around, then nods in agreement.As they leave the ruins of the bar, Pen apologizing profusely about the mess and promising to pay the fixing costs, Al reaches down to wrench his hatchet from the head of the poor sod who tried to charge at him. They leave the bar after collecting Map’le’s things, and get a random City Watchman to help, but not without a lot of grumbling from the watchman.
More to come on webtoon!
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Ah so if I understand this correctly, you’re not going to post more chapters of this here but instead want us to come to webtoon for more? Maybe you should put a link in then 😊
See how “replies Al” is not a full sentence? That is why you combine it with the speech by not capitalizing “Replies” in this case.Alrighty, even if this is a promo for a webcomic, please be aware that you should still do proper paragraphing. New speaker? New paragraph. Having the narrator go on abt the place they MC is in and then have the MC’s speech in the same paragraph is jarring and doesn’t serve readability.
Also the description of the homeless guy(the MC?) is very… in-your-face. Maybe better to space all these physical attributes out over the rest of the narration.
Also oh boy, we are just getting overwhelmed with exposition here. No need to throw it all out there like this. Just… let the intrigue simmer a bit. Sometimes, less is more. We don’t need a full explanation of the magic system this early in the story. After all, you still haven’t convinced anyone if it is actually worth investing into your world. And starting with the science of the magic might not put the best foot forward here.
While I approve of a MC that gives to the community, I would like to have more info on why he did it. This is just random atm.
…also dialogue formatting.
Uhmm…. Is he really homeless if he can get invited by the princess at any point and actually followed that invite immediately?
Hoo boy and Al kills some random, out-classed guy in a bar fight. Doesn’t really speak of his noble spirit (I mean he did give his money away and now I think it might not have been for a good reason after all, but more that he didn’t want to bother with it)
Stonecity sounds grand. A grumpy mage in patchwork clothes waking among graffiti gives the story immediate tone, and perhaps all that is expected of Stonecity is a facade... Things aren't what they seem.
The first thing that isn't what it seems is the magic system. It is dropped onto the table in a paragraph that tries to function as a worldbuilding foundation, but it lacks context in the greater world you've created. Fireball costs mana, levitation needs helium balloons, alchemists use math, etc. are all interesting ideas, certainly, but they appear in such a compressed informational avalanche that the reader has no time to appreciate the creativity. Their relevance to the events of the chapter is negligible either way, so there isn't much to gather.
Al himself is introduced as a self-impoverished ex-hero who gave away his wealth for unknown reasons? Something noble? Some kind of mistake? The story neither explores nor dramatizes this decision. It’s simply tossed to the reader like a fun fact instead of something essential to understanding his character.
What begins as a comedic drunken insult erupts into mass chaos, which is a promising setup for a humourous brawl, only for Al to suddenly kill a man with a hatchet to the skull... If this is meant to illustrate Al’s instability or some kind of hidden darkness, the story does not interrogate it enough. I can't tell whether this is meant to be satirical or dramatic, and Al doesn't seem to reflect much help as it stands.
So, the worldbuilding is imaginative, but there's no time to understand who is who and why they do what they do. Expand on your character motivations before Al kills everyone around.