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Honestly Wishing for Nothing More

by GabHorn

Honestly, I wish for nothing more.

Nothing more than for your eyes to be opened by the light to see me.

Because I am here. But she is not.

I am here for the late nights when you're nervous, 

For the relentlessly boring days.

To listen to your sob stories that you will soon become over with.

To listen to your hopes and dreams that you don't think will come true.

Here for when she breaks your heart again.

To sweep up the dreams, hopes, and hearts of your broken past.

I will hold them graciously until I willingly tape them back together.

I will rap them up with a bow that says I love you.

But that bow will get lost in the shipping and it wont get sent along with the tens of love letters I wrote my soul into but never ever had the guts to send.

I am here. I am here when she is not and that is how it is always going to be.

Until you see my as the guard, I will work in the shadows.

Assuming, you forgot about me.

That us until she stomps on your heart again. 

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737 Reviews

Points: 6058
Reviews: 737

Fri Oct 28, 2016 10:03 pm
CaptainJack wrote a review...

Hey there GabHorn. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches typing fingers*
It's been awhile since I've reviewed anything, so please excuse my lack of bedside manner. Also you're new, so welcome to YWS!

I really don't review poetry that often so if I say anything that sets you the wrong way it's probably my lack of experience. I'm just going to say this and get it over with, overall I don't like your poem. This is just a personal opinion, nothing to do with anything else, I just didn't like it. That's why I'm leaving my comments, to leave a different sided opinion to your piece.

First, the formatting of the lines is really funky. A big distraction for me was the fact it was all crammed together with no stanzas. It's just one big chunk of words and that often bothers me in pieces. You need to split up the separate, but still connecting thoughts, to give the reader's time to breath.
Also having two sentences per line in some spots looks a bit awkward. I mean they're super short lines anyways so you might as well just split them. The same amount of pause will be given between words.
And what's with splitting some sentences and then leaving the others whole? I know it's most likely a stylistic thing but it doesn't look that great on paper. Reconsider your formatting choices.

The thing that I've noticed here on YWS, is that you have to write your poems with two main ground rules.
1. It has to be something that shows your emotion and you have to be really proud of it. Don't just publish the first thing that comes to your head and put it down on paper. Make a masterpiece that you're proud to publish.
2. You have to write it so people understand your true emotions. You don't want it to be too plain but not all metaphors either. To me this just looks like the same old story of sadness and heartbreak. Which I admit is occasionally actually saddening but I see too many of these to affect me.

Overall there is nothing that makes the poem stick out from a million other poems out there. There is no amount of emotion or descriptions of emotions that would make me interested in this because it's just so common. The struggle of writing good things is finding something to make it different, to create a scene and mood that's rarely done.
Edit: October 28, 2016
I started this review awhile back and now most everyone has taken the rest of my points. I really don't feel the need to repeat them over again but I would like to add on what I have already written here.

That's all, now that I'm finishing this a month later.
Happy Halloween.
The Queen of the Book Clubs

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1080 Reviews

Points: 125
Reviews: 1080

Sun Oct 16, 2016 1:02 am
Kaylaa wrote a review...

This is Kaos here for a review!

Honestly, I wish for nothing more.

Nothing more than for your eyes to be opened by the light to see me.

Because I am here. But she is not.

From the first three lines I felt I already knew what type of role the speaker in the poem had. Someone who is in love with another person but that other person is in love with someone who treats them badly. To me it felt kind of an archetype and that you could have something more personal instead of it being broad.

The two lines connect in the sense that the first cuts off to be continued by the second, and I like the ending and starting of "nothing more", but I thought the rest of the line is a little unclear. What is the light in this poem, is it literal light, or is it metaphorical? Why is the light opening his eyes, is the light forcing his eyes open? The third line kind of killed me because you start with things that are usually said to follow up things and not start lines. "Because" and "But" are both weak sentence starters and I felt the message of the line could be better put.

Most of the poem was generic for me in the fact that it didn't really use imagery or have imagery to carry it. The idea of being the friend of a person in a relationship could be interesting and I think you could have done something with sweeping up a broken heart like it is glass or something of that sort. There was a sort of entitlement to the speaker that I didn't really like and it was like "The person should be with me because I'm better!" and I think this could be fixed with some more gentle lines sort of talking about watching over the person or the speaker watches the person from afar and all that. There could also be a few lines along something like "I will say that if you're happy, I'm happy/but this will not be true." or something following that idea. I'm just throwing some ideas about the poem out there.

The idea of the shipping and it getting lost and the letters was probably my favorite part of the poem even though the lines there kind of drags on but I think that was intentional. The flow could use some help with it not all being long lines and you mixing it up so there's more of a variety of short lines and long lines and all the in between.

I hope this helped and have a great day!

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49 Reviews

Points: 595
Reviews: 49

Thu Oct 06, 2016 12:32 pm
matthewmazer says...

matthewmazer here, reporting for duty.

I'd like to repeat herbgirl and welcome you to YWS; I hope you enjoy your time here as much as I have.

Much like herbgirl I like the piece you've written here and the only nit pick I have is the typos ( rap should be wrap) and it seems like there may be a missing comma, or places where a comma doesn't belong. I'm no master of commas however, so I won't quote anything.

I love the plot of your story more than anything, particularly the stark contrast in the beginning and ending; the narrator wants to be noticed by the person he/she is writing to but the narrator knows that he seems to be stuck in the friendzone...always a bummer type of situation.

I do feel as though the "guard" statement near the end is wrongly worded; guard seems to be closer to what the narrator is currently and I think it could be better described as "something more".

Overall, good work, and good luck in your future writings.

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193 Reviews

Points: 575
Reviews: 193

Thu Oct 06, 2016 10:40 am
herbgirl wrote a review...

Hello! herbgirl here for a review!
First of all, welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy your time here, I know I have so far, it's a great community.
Now, on to the actual review. First of all, I would like to say that this is very nice for your first work. I especially liked some of your metaphorical statements, like how you said you are there "To sweep up the dreams, hopes, and hearts of your broken past." That's probably my favorite line out of this poem.
Now, while this was good, I think it could be fantastic. What could really improve this poem would be adding more figurative language. I think everyone has felt the wanting that you describe here, but to really put your own personal stamp on it, use figurative language to tell the story. For example, in the second line you could include a metaphor about the light, perhaps suggesting something that it might be, like an action you preform. Try to work more of that sort of stuff in throughout your poem, and into your future works, too.
The other thing that I noticed that I wasn't a huge fan of were a few typos, mostly towards the end. First, in line twelve you forgot the apostrophe in "won't". Then, in line thirteen, you say, "until you see my as the guard..." I'm not really sure what you meant to say here. I mean, "my" should probably be "me", but this line seems a bit incongruous with the rest of your poem. Throughout the majority of your poem you describe how you love this person, and it appears to me that you wan their love, too, that you want to be on the same level as them. But describing yourself as a guard would mean that you only ever protect them, nothing more. I would suggest changing the word "guard" to something more meaningful, perhaps not "lover" but something similar.
Then, in the last line, "Us" should be "is". I'm assuming these typos aren't that important, that you were just a bit rushed so they kind of popped out, but I suggest reading through your work more carefully before posting it, checking for typos and to see if there's any figurative language you could add.
Anyways, I hope that wasn't too harsh! Remember, this is all just my opinion and you don't have to listen to any of it. If you like your poem how it is please keep it this way. Again, welcome, and good luck!

You have to be a bit of a liar to tell a story the right way.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind