Young Writers Society

Hey there GabHorn. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches typing fingers*
It's been awhile since I've reviewed anything, so please excuse my lack of bedside manner. Also you're new, so welcome to YWS!

I really don't review poetry that often so if I say anything that sets you the wrong way it's probably my lack of experience. I'm just going to say this and get it over with, overall I don't like your poem. This is just a personal opinion, nothing to do with anything else, I just didn't like it. That's why I'm leaving my comments, to leave a different sided opinion to your piece.

First, the formatting of the lines is really funky. A big distraction for me was the fact it was all crammed together with no stanzas. It's just one big chunk of words and that often bothers me in pieces. You need to split up the separate, but still connecting thoughts, to give the reader's time to breath.
Also having two sentences per line in some spots looks a bit awkward. I mean they're super short lines anyways so you might as well just split them. The same amount of pause will be given between words.
And what's with splitting some sentences and then leaving the others whole? I know it's most likely a stylistic thing but it doesn't look that great on paper. Reconsider your formatting choices.

The thing that I've noticed here on YWS, is that you have to write your poems with two main ground rules.
1. It has to be something that shows your emotion and you have to be really proud of it. Don't just publish the first thing that comes to your head and put it down on paper. Make a masterpiece that you're proud to publish.
2. You have to write it so people understand your true emotions. You don't want it to be too plain but not all metaphors either. To me this just looks like the same old story of sadness and heartbreak. Which I admit is occasionally actually saddening but I see too many of these to affect me.

Overall there is nothing that makes the poem stick out from a million other poems out there. There is no amount of emotion or descriptions of emotions that would make me interested in this because it's just so common. The struggle of writing good things is finding something to make it different, to create a scene and mood that's rarely done.
Edit: October 28, 2016
I started this review awhile back and now most everyone has taken the rest of my points. I really don't feel the need to repeat them over again but I would like to add on what I have already written here.

That's all, now that I'm finishing this a month later.
Happy Halloween.
Lizzy
The Queen of the Book Clubs

This is Kaos here for a review!

Honestly, I wish for nothing more.

Nothing more than for your eyes to be opened by the light to see me.

Because I am here. But she is not.

matthewmazer here, reporting for duty.

I'd like to repeat herbgirl and welcome you to YWS; I hope you enjoy your time here as much as I have.

Much like herbgirl I like the piece you've written here and the only nit pick I have is the typos ( rap should be wrap) and it seems like there may be a missing comma, or places where a comma doesn't belong. I'm no master of commas however, so I won't quote anything.

I love the plot of your story more than anything, particularly the stark contrast in the beginning and ending; the narrator wants to be noticed by the person he/she is writing to but the narrator knows that he seems to be stuck in the friendzone...always a bummer type of situation.

I do feel as though the "guard" statement near the end is wrongly worded; guard seems to be closer to what the narrator is currently and I think it could be better described as "something more".

Overall, good work, and good luck in your future writings.

Hello! herbgirl here for a review!
First of all, welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy your time here, I know I have so far, it's a great community.
Now, on to the actual review. First of all, I would like to say that this is very nice for your first work. I especially liked some of your metaphorical statements, like how you said you are there "To sweep up the dreams, hopes, and hearts of your broken past." That's probably my favorite line out of this poem.
Now, while this was good, I think it could be fantastic. What could really improve this poem would be adding more figurative language. I think everyone has felt the wanting that you describe here, but to really put your own personal stamp on it, use figurative language to tell the story. For example, in the second line you could include a metaphor about the light, perhaps suggesting something that it might be, like an action you preform. Try to work more of that sort of stuff in throughout your poem, and into your future works, too.
The other thing that I noticed that I wasn't a huge fan of were a few typos, mostly towards the end. First, in line twelve you forgot the apostrophe in "won't". Then, in line thirteen, you say, "until you see my as the guard..." I'm not really sure what you meant to say here. I mean, "my" should probably be "me", but this line seems a bit incongruous with the rest of your poem. Throughout the majority of your poem you describe how you love this person, and it appears to me that you wan their love, too, that you want to be on the same level as them. But describing yourself as a guard would mean that you only ever protect them, nothing more. I would suggest changing the word "guard" to something more meaningful, perhaps not "lover" but something similar.
Then, in the last line, "Us" should be "is". I'm assuming these typos aren't that important, that you were just a bit rushed so they kind of popped out, but I suggest reading through your work more carefully before posting it, checking for typos and to see if there's any figurative language you could add.
Anyways, I hope that wasn't too harsh! Remember, this is all just my opinion and you don't have to listen to any of it. If you like your poem how it is please keep it this way. Again, welcome, and good luck!
herbgirl