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Your Phone Company is Watching Essay

by GDrama97


Authors Note: I am needing some help with my conclusion for my essay and would like some feedback on the essay. The fourth paragraph needs more evidence so any help with that would be greatly appreciated.

This is a link to what I have written so far 

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1OqGpHZXUU6ryIk...


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10 Reviews


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Sun Apr 26, 2015 5:54 am
KimberleeP wrote a review...



Review

I felt like this lacks research and time. You may want to look up more sources to support what you are claiming.

Original
On a daily basis, phone companies record their customers’ locations, phone calls, and various other details.

Edited
On a daily basis, phone companies record their customers’ locations, phone calls, and ____.
Change "various other details" to more examples of what is recorded.

I can message you a few sources to help your research. This review will be extended tomorrow!




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34 Reviews


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Sun Apr 26, 2015 5:08 am
RedMoon wrote a review...



Okay, so this was a really good essay. I'm not sure, really, what you need my help for. All you have is a few superficial things that need fixing and then you're on your way. You have obviously taken to heart what they people before me have said. I have no idea what your essay was like before, but I do believe that listening to their advice has helped strengthen it considerably.

There is one thing that I would like to address:

"The article suggests..."
"This suggests..."

I do not believe that the word suggests is strong enough in your essay, and you also use variations of the word "suggest" a lot throughout the piece. I would suggest a word like "asserts" or something a little less aggressive than that, but stronger than "suggests". I think that it would add a lot to your essay just right there.

Other than that, I have no problem with it. You are obviously a very talented writer. Your conclusion is very strong, by the way. I loved how strong it felt. I think that the only thing that pulls it down is the introduction to your conclusion. This might just be me, though. I think that "In conclusion" is not a good fit here. The best writers find something else to introduce their conclusion with. It's like in the beginning where you don't say "In this essay, I'm going to do" this and this and this. People will understand it is a conclusion if you recap the essay and restate your thesis.

You're an awesome writer. I honestly am very jealous at this piece because I wish that I could write like this for my English class. I really hope that this is what you meant when you asked for my help. Keep doing what you're doing!




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Thu Apr 16, 2015 5:32 pm
krow02 wrote a review...



In all honesty this had come a very long way since you first came to me for help. All of the problems that were originally their have been solved. Now all that you would need to do is follow/fix the things in parenthesis and you should have a really good essay. Just make sure your facts are straight and their are no grammatical or spelling errors, and you should be good if you have to turn it in somewhere. I'm hoping to maybe see some fictional work from you, you seem like you have good ideas, and you have quite the hand for writing. If you need any more help after this just message me, I am still willing to help you.




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Thu Apr 16, 2015 2:35 pm
WaltzingDreams wrote a review...



Hello. Here for a review!
The topic of the essay was interesting as was your title. I saw the structure you used which was the Problem-Evidence-Solution formula, and I found that you've done that very well! Nice and formal wording as it should be, the over-all flow was well made.

On other feedback: I think you should supply the specific date of the TED talk that you've stated. Be careful of adding some personal opinions to this type of essay. You shouldn't if the essay aims to just inform.

The users wouldn't like that. Today's world has become materialistic and selfish. Consequentially, power roots itself into the minds of people easily. It's the bitter truth that everybody has to face.
The first sentence here seemed more of a opinion the next few sentences lack proofs. If you want to keep this part, supply at least one evidence to support your case, if you want to exclude it on the other hand, it's totally fine because it won't alter the message of this paragraph.

In the third paragraph you could also strengthen your evidences by stating some other quotes from the 'article published by CNN News' And the beginning of the last paragraph should be more forceful, you stating your stand or at least the best solution you have found to address this problem.

And that's it! Good Luck with writing this! :) I'd be happy to help you again (haha, if I helped you at all), just holler! ^^
-Waltzing





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