Published September 3, 2008
Saying Goodbye
When Love dragged us to each other,
We tried to so much to make it pass over,
But all it did was take us down and under,
My heart could not take it any longer.
Your smiles brightened my day,
My presence made you stay,
Yet none of us said a word to relay,
The feelings we tried to avoid back in the day.
I feel so bad saying goodbye in one day,
and know we did not make the most of everyday,
Just praying as you leave today,
that one day it would not be that way.
Praying that I will see you sometime,
that love will drag us together again,
and then I will make sure it lasts,
and we will never say goodbye again.
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OK nice idea not saying anything about that, but indeed nothing is perfect as piepiemann22 said.
Try avoiding repeating the same words in a big sentence as "each other - each other".
Its fine when you say example : "I`m breaking it again and again" in the same verse but not in different lines.
As well the words as "day-today-everyday-day" in the most of lines and you used 3 "again"s in the last part... try making it again.
This is a wonderful poem. I like this, but there are still parts that need to be improved:
1) Punctuation - yep, I know, piepiemann22 mentioned this already.
2) Rhyme - well, for me, the rhyme sounds a little bit forced. Try let your poem flow naturally. Rhyming is not necessary.
Apart from that, the rest sounds good! I vote it 'good', but I know you can do better.
Good luck and happy writing!
okay i dont want to be the only one to critisize but i dont want to lie soo here it goes.....
first you used the word "eachother" to much same with "day" and "again"!
I will tell you what i have been telling others that make the same mistake that evry one makes. EVEN ME!
Make the poem have its own life instead of making it look like u just found words and threw
them on a peice of paper. Make it have its own beat to dance to
its own voice to sing
its own Heartbeat.
MAKE IT HAVE ITS OWN LIFE!
make it drown in its words
make people feel what u r feeling
make people see what u r seeing!
you lost me in boredom because of those to reasons. You repeated words and It didnt have its own
life! i dont care about punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.. I want to read something
that makes me want to dance along with the words on the page!
BUT...don't feel bad about it because its a common mistake! I KNOW that i make it ALL THE TIME!
So keep working but dont give up!
Over all that was really good. I did think though that some of the lines seemed to full and didn't flow with the rest of the piece.
Another thing, though probably from my own stupidity instead of your mistake, I had to read the line "and know we did not make the most of everyday" a couple times to understand. BUt, that was probaly my own stupidity.
Good job.
Over all, I very nice poem, but nothing is ever perfect. I only noticed a few thing though, so don't worry.
This seems to always happen with new members and poetry. Please add punctuation. It helps add rhythm, mood, tone, voice, and expression. Simple commas and periods can make the poem 100% better, trust me. Reread it, notice how you say it to your self, and add so we say it that way too.
Your longer lines seem to throw the flow off a bit. Take a look at lines 7, 8, and 10. They seem to drag on a bit too much.
Other than that very nice, keep it up.
~Mr. Pie
WOW! i really liked that! umm i'd say you did very very well! i'm not one to crit....but i loved the poem anyway! i hope you keep writing!
Ringettegirl