Okay, this is the first story/chapter I've posted since joining. I've spent a couple days reading it over and trying to make improvements, but I feel I've reached the limit of what I can improve/change myself, and figured I'd just post it and see what others had to say. I can take whatever, so don't worry about me being offended, I just want to make this thing as great as I can. Thanks in advance to anyone who does, it's really appreciated 
Tyle Takanama awoke on the Day of the Dead to an overwhelming feeling of doom. For a long moment, all he could do was lie in bed and allow the sensation to wash over him. In his thirteen years of life, he had never experienced pure dread like he did at that moment. As much as he'd tried throughout the previous day, and for that matter, much of the previous week, he still couldn't believe that he'd allowed things to come to this.
You had a whole year to prevent this, and you did nothing!
The unbelieving thought had been a constant refrain over the week leading up to this day. Even knowing that he was out of time, he still could not summon the courage to do what he now knew he must. There really was no other option, but that didn't make this one any less impossible to face.
His last desperate hope had been dashed even before he opened his eyes. Rain was pounding against his bedroom window, while claps of thunder seemed to shake the whole room. As he watched the tiny droplets cascade down the outside of his window, he was sure that they were taking his life with them. It was because of them, and more specifically, because of the lightning and wind that joined them, that he couldn't at least attempt to fight his fate at this last moment. Unless the squall lost steam before breakfast, there was no hope for him.
Tyle closed his eyes, attempting to come up with a last minute inspiration to dig himself out of the hole he'd spent a year putting himself in. His brain strained from the effort, but still . . . nothing.
"Crap." The only thought he seemed able to formulate was the ever present, A whole year to prevent this and you did nothing!
He gave up. Although he'd rather hide out in his room and avoid the day, he was hungry, and smelled pancakes. That sealed it. Tyle opened his eyes, but nearly jumped out of his skin when the first thing he saw were three pairs of eyes staring down at him.
"You look weird," observed the owner of the first pair.
"Are you sick? You really look awful," commented the owner of the second.
"Like you're about to die or something," the third and youngest remarked. "You'd tell us if you were dying right?"
Tyle quickly got over his initial startlement when he saw that it was just his three sisters. As usual, they seemed to pop from nowhere, silent as ghosts.
"Why would you want me to tell you that?" he asked his youngest sister, Feather. While the other two's poorly veiled insults were to be expected, he was a little surprised by Feather's obvious concern. He realized that he must look as bad as he felt if she could read it on his face so easily.
"Oh . . . I'd just want to know before you decided to die. I'd miss you." she replied as somberly as before.
Okay . . . She was, as usual, a very weird five year-old to talk to.
"Well, I'm not dying." At least not yet. His thoughts darkened again as the feeling of dread returned.
"Too bad," the oldest sister, Felis said. "Mom's making pancakes and I'd want first dibs on your share before the Loathsome Foursome got wind of you dying." His older sister was as always, a complete pest to talk to. It was amusing sometimes, but Tyle just wasn't in the mood right then.
"What do you guys want anyway?" he asked wearily, covering his eyes with his forearm.
"Mom sent us to tell you that breakfast was ready, and to get dressed. The boys have already left for the early festivities, so we were hoping you'd stay in bed and we could split your share." His sister Laurie was just as bad, though she for the most part only acted this way when Felis was around. The oldest sister, and leader of the trio, had always been a terrible influence on her younger sisters.
Tyle was tempted to get out of bed just to spite his sisters, but instead pulled his covers up to his chin and squinched his eyes shut.
"Fine, you can have my share, just leave me alone." His appetite had vanished as quickly as it had come. Maybe it was the mention of the festivities; they just reminded him that today was indeed the Day of the Dead, no matter how much he tried to forget.
He laid there, staring into the darkness of his closed eyelids, but sensed that he was still being watched. Lifting his arm from over his eyes, he found that his two oldest sisters had left without a word, as silently as they'd come. However, Feather was still leaning over him, her blue eyes filled with worry. Noticing his eyes open, she bent down and gave him a quick hug, then followed her sisters out of the room.
Despite himself, Tyle felt better. Opening his eyes all of the way, he decided that he'd get out of bed and have breakfast after all. He'd have to wrestle it away from his sisters most likely, but he could deal with that.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,830 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: This was an interesting start here. A slightly mixed bag I think. There were a few things that were exciting and mysterious to start with, then things got slightly unsettling before ending on a very normal note. Its a reverse cliffhanger of sorts..and I don't quite know how to judge this.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy...well, this is off to an intriguing start here. It is hard to judge what exactly might be causing this particular reaction in this person, but there's a lovely sense of tension spreading throughout this particular piece and so far I'm really liking this opening. It certainly gets your attention as a reader.
Okay....well this is even more interesting now. There's a general sense of doom in the air and this person keeps suggesting they are somehow responsible for all this due to them having a year or so to deal with whatever is going on but them not pulling it off. Now that certainly begs more than a few questions and then because that's not quite enough mystery we've also got some mysterious eyes going on here. This is definitely off to an awesome start so far.
Okayy...now that feels like a very interesting group of sisters there. Not the worst way to introduce them but then if this character knows them including their names, its a little odd that they'd not call them by name immediately. The three pairs of eyes style opening feels odd in this context.
Okayy...so well, suddenly this turned into what seemed like a regular morning with a family. Even though the very casual talk of death was a little odd, this seemed like a normal enough family here and its a fun little scene to start on. I do feel like this then kind of ends up making the earlier mystery this started with a little more unnecessary since it doesn't seem to have any mention later on in the scene and its an interesting choice there.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this was a in interesting start. I feel like starting with the mystery up at the start and ending on a not so mysterious note is perhaps not the best choice. Inverting that is perhaps the way to go for a first chapter where you want the reader to keep reading, or even better just mystery the whole way through. Other than that, this was good enough that I'd certainly consider reading a second chapter.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Whoops, my bad. Should have explained that better.
I'll pull some examples. In no order at all...
All right. In grammarian lingo, the things in bold are called existential "there"s and "it"s . Because when you write something like "It was because of them," "It" is sort of this amorphous all-power...something, and in "There was no hope for him," the same thing goes. What exactly is "It" and where exactly is "There"? (How many licks does it take to get the center of a Tootsie Pop? The world may never know.)
Most of the time, rewriting these sentences creates smoother prose. Most of the time. Sometimes, it just destroys the rhythm or makes things sound... weird. For instance, rewriting It was because of them, and more specifically, because of the lightning and wind that joined them, that he couldn't at least attempt to fight his fate at this last moment. as He couldn't at least attempt to fight his fate at this last moment because of them, and more specifically, because of the lightning and wind that joined them doesn't quite have the same ring to it.
So, now I'm regretting even bringing it up, but most of the time I encounter the existentials in others' writing or my own, it's just a clunky addition. Something to keep in mind then?
Regarding forms of 'to be' in general... drats, now I can't find any examples in your own work. I think I was seeing things when I wrote your review. But anyway, for future reference, sentences where the main verb is a form of 'to be' (he was, I was, we were, etc.) are opportunities waiting to happen. Opportunities to use more lively, interesting, flavorful verbs, I mean. "...lurk opportunities", for instance, is more interesting than just a mere "...are opportunities," but you can overdo it.
This doesn't apply to where 'to be' is being used as a helping verb, e.g. in "We were going" or "I was walking."
And wow, was that a mouthful of grammar nerd spew or what?
Rach
Ah, could be. Does sound better. I may have put 'things' thinking since it was describing multiple pairs of eyes, that it should therefore be plural. But the 's' in "three pair(s) of eye(s)" should cover that right? If I'm making sense
I think I know what you mean here, and if I'm right, it should be pretty simple to fix. But just in case, can you explain a bit more? Maybe give an example of when it was done, and a possible correction?
Thank you all for the reviews. Am working on chapter two right now, and will try to answer the majority of the questions raised in this chapter, though will probably end up raising more questions in the next
My inner comma-defender, it is happy. And so are my other technical nitpicking senses. You even got the subjunctive right! In fact, on the technical side of things, I've only got one thing to mention. That's that you use a lot of "There was"es and "It was"es and the existential "there" and "it" and forms of 'to be' in general are kind of blah. So, you could use those instances to bring in some verbs with more pep in their step.
But really, your writing's solid. So, onto other stuff? I think so. (The name's Rach by the way, and I'm here as requested.)
You do a great job of balancing here. I'm interested, but I still have a hold of whatever's going on. I'm going to start wanting answers soon, but for now, I'm engaged and willing to go with it, as a reader. I want to read chapter two, and that's a primary goal of any chapter one in the world.
Your characters are a large part of why I want to read on. The sisters are great. So is Tyle.
And... I don't actually have any more on critical comments. I guess I could mention that I'm not typically fond of this type of very beginning, you know with a character waking up and references to doom or apocalypse or the world forever changing... and if you really wanted to try something different, you could take it more in-scene and cut out some of the teasing of the reader. Cut it closer to where the sisters come in or something like that... But, you know what? The beginning works as is too. Something to mull over, mayhaps, is all.
I don't have anything other than that for you. Let me know if you have any questions... and... post chapter two?
Rach
Nice- it definitely has a good hook. I can tell you've put a lot of work into this. I'm interested to find out what's so dire about the Day of the Dead, and what the weather has anything to do with it. Everyone else pointed out of the nitpicks i caught, except for one.
Shouldn't it be 'when the first thing he saw'? Not sure, but first things just doesn't sound quite right to me.Good job with this piece!
Ha, great! Thanks! Were mistakes that I should've seen myself, but must have overlooked a dozen times. Really was helpful, and as always, appreciated. Will edit those fixes in, and hopefully there will be more reviews that can help improve it as much as possible. Most of the second chapter is written, just getting this one done first and rereading that one as much as I can before posting.
Hey there!
Okay, so overall I got a really good impression of this. You've got a good hook, and I'm definitely intrigued to know just what's going on. You also didn't drag out and keep emphasizing the mystery in an annoying, "Don't you want to read more to find out what the answer is?" kind of way, which is a hard balance. You did it perfectly, though; it feels very natural and I'm impressed.
Pretty sure you could keep this all on one line.
Should be a comma there.
Think you're just missing an "s" at the end of "ghost."
"Warily" means "cautiously, carefully, apprehensively"; "wearily" means "in a tired manner," which is the impression I get in this sentence.
This sounds awkward to the ear; perhaps you could reword it to something like, "Being the oldest sister and therefore the leader of the trio, she was a bad influence on her younger sisters." I'd cut out "notorious," too--it just doesn't seem like the right word choice here.
Okay, so that's all I could find to nitpick on; really, this is a great first chapter and I'm definitely wanting to read more!
Please PM me if you have any questions.
Hello,
You have done a good job editing this, I didn't notice anything major.
That doesn't sound right to me. I think it is the at least part, but this may be me.
It was very interesting has quite a good hook, and I was engrossed.I am intrigued to see what they day of the dead is so I shall be reading chapter two if it finds it's way on to here.
Well done and keep writing this. It's very good.
~Retro Disco666