( I started this story, and now it could go anywhere. Fantasy, fiction, romance, adventure, or even a twilight parody. Could you help me decide what to make of it, and also if I should keep going on it?)
“ Erin Randall, please stop giving goo goo eyes to that boy and pay attention to the front of the class. If you had been listening, you would now understand that it takes only one single celled. . .” Mrs. Saunders droned on in her incessant babble. I lowered my head so my long and messy blond hair would cover my blushing face.
Sure, I liked Finn. Sure, everyone in the world probably knew I did, but that didn’t give her the permission to say it out loud in front of him! For the past two years, I’ve been sneaking chances to talk to him, sometimes try to flirt with him. When we were younger, we were the best of friends. As we were neighbors, we constantly visited each other. Now in eighth grade, we almost never saw each other, rarely spoke, and the last time I was alone with him somewhere other than school was a year ago, when we just happened to run into each other on the beach.
A bell rung somewhere in the distance, signaling to me that I could finally leave this freezing cold deathtrap and proceed into the slightly warmer frozen wasteland called North Dakota. I gathered my binders and pencils and hurried out of the classroom (cough cough, jail cell ) and dashed to my locker. The gray halls were filled with students buzzing to leave school, to do after school activities, to hang out. I looked at one kid holding a flute, sports bag, and some kind of poster hurry off with disgust. Why would they waste their lives doing activities that fill up their schedule and don't teach them anything important? Most kids in this school can play an instrument or sing a song, but only one, me, can do their own laundry. I hurried to my locker so that I could leave and be free.
At the start of the year, I had tried to get a locker next to Finn’s. Instead, Ava, my ex best friend turned witch, took the locker. “ Oh, I’m sorry Erin, I just thought you’d rather have the locker below your uh, friend.” She stuck her book bag on a hanger and closed the locker door, claiming it for her own. I had looked around for a locker anywhere but under Hope Carollin’s. She was a small, mousy girl who had started following me around. She was squeaking, irritating, small, had big ears, and stole your food. She was the closest thing I’d ever seen to a mouse. Sadly, their were no other spaces open, so for the rest of eighth grade I was doomed to be under her.
As I was gathering my books and stuff, I snuck a glance at Finn. His light brown hair was swept over his face, but not in the lame way most boys in my school style their hair. His looked naturally windswept, and it didn’t cover up his big brown eyes like Emo kids did. Yes, he has brown eyes, unlike about every other boy in North Dakota. Everyone, including me, has gray-blue eyes. Well, the only exception is Finn. His bright brown eyes are like fall leaves, bright and full of color. He looked up and I swear, for a moment, locked eyes with me. Then, sadly, his eyes switched to Julie, and he returned a dropped book to her. My heart fell. For a moment, even less then a second, I thought he was going to talk to me. But no, she was meant to get the smartest, cutest, sweetest guy in the world. And I was stuck with Hope Carollin, who was now poking me and telling me to hurry up so she could get to her bus.
The bus ride home is both my favorite and least favorite part of the day. I love it because it's a time when I can't get distracted by anything else, so I usually get my homework done. It's quiet and it means that I'm less than half an hour away from home. It would be perfect, but as usual in my life, Julie has to butt in. She lived on my road, in fact, when we were younger, She Finn, and I were all friends. Finn moved two years ago, and left me with her as a neighbor. She stayed friends with Finn and ignored me. Now, she's on my bus, and is the only thing keeping me from being happy. She'll constantly start laughing then tell me how funny I look, or suddenly come sit with me and cheat off my homework.
I slide into my usual seat and prepare to do my math homework, only to find it's already finished. I must've done it earlier. With nothing to do, I lean up against the foggy window and look out at the familiar streets and houses passing by. Finally, we reach my road. Their are four stops on my road. On for a high schooler, the Julie's stop, then what used to be Finn's and is now home for a devilish eight year old, then mine. As we stop at the first stop, Julia plops down next to me.
" What've you been doing the whole ride?" She asks.
I quickly answer the fastest way possible. "Sitting." I know she'll say something mean about my answer,but I don't care, it's almost her stop.
" Alone, again. I bet you wish Finn was here." She said this without any particular emotion, like most her words. I don't know what she means, so I ignore her. " Nice boots," she says and gets off. I look down at my boots quickly. There's a mud stain on them. Great.
P.S. It's probably pretty bad, considering that I haven't edited it yet or anything.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
You should continue! I loved this! It's a story many can relate to, includeing myself. I notice you don't all your stories, though you shouldnt! You good! We all have our bad writing problems, that's why we are here! To improve and help others! Keep on writing!
-Ruth
Wouldn't Finn know that she liked him? If everyone knew, I'm assuming Finn is part of "everyone."
Ohh Julia, well what she doesn't know won't hurt her:)
Momo, I was pretty sure I had read this before. Is this a recent post?
Any who, it's not one of your classic stories that I would except from you, which is probably why I don't like it as much as your fantasy stories. It reminds me of Amfliflier's recent post about Zeke Michaels.
You used way to many pronouns. He and She was just flying all over the place:) Well anyway, you should continue writing this because I want to hear a non-fantasy completed story from you!
~Hannerz:)
You should definetly keep writing this story! I like it alot, and Erin is a cool character!
One thing that I noticed was, "She Finn, and I were all friends" You're missing a bit of punctuation that would help with the flow of the story. "She, Finn, and I" is the proper way...
Other than some minor punctuation (which I wouldn't worry about at this point) Fantastic story, keep at it!!!
If everyone in the world knows that she likes him why does it matter if he hears? Doesn't he know that she likes him?
Is she having her classes outside on the top of a mountain so that North Dakota is slightly warmer?
She was squeaking?
This is an interesting story so far. You should definitely go on writing this story! I must give you some advice though: if you have no plot for this story you will most likely abandon it unless you suddenly think of a plot that you really like. Believe me. It's happened, to me.
Keep writing,
Alzora
I definetly think that you should continue this, its good. The last paragraph got me confused with all the names and whatnot. But I can relate to this. Keep going, this will turn out find where ever you decide to take it.
Keep writing
-Rayne
Hi there!
. You're off to a great start! Thanks for sharing this piece, and PM me if you have any questions!
The answer to your question is yes. Yes you should. You have a knack for detail, and your MC is engaging and fun. I'd love to see where you go with this!
As far as editing this bit goes, I thought that the last paragraph didn't make much sense. You talk about how some of the houses were "better," but it sounds to the reader like Erin and Julie have really nice houses. And, if Finn's family had a lot of land, it might not make sense for them to leave. Just food for thought. You might need to come up with another reason that he left (to be closer to sick grandparents, or his dad lost his job and they needed to scale down, etc.).
My only other comment is that in this piece, you switch from past to present tense in the second to last paragraph. Make sure to choose whether you want to write in past or present tense and keep it consistent the whole way through