Published January 6, 2013
Jack floated down into Bunny's hole with a sad expression on his face. Little ice teardrops formed on his cheeks. "Bunny...they're dead. Pippa and Jaime died in a car accident..." Bunny was hibernating for the winter and didn't wake, his foot merely shifted. "A truck ran over icy roads and swerved into Jaime's car with Pippa in the passenger seat." Jack sighed. "Cupcake's gone too. She killed herself because the people in her school bullied her because she was overweight and the rest of the children have all but forgotten since that night." Jack was visibly crying now. “Not that any of you care! Everyone remembers you. Nobody sees me or cares about me. I’m invisible. I’m nothing.” Jack was fluctuating between horrifying rage and emotionally scarring despair. "The only people in the world who could see me...who made me visible are gone. I'm back to being nothing, to being insignificant. Nobody believes in me again...and I suppose...I don't either..." Jack arose from the hole and flew back to his pond. He sat there on the ice staring at the man in the moon wondering if life would ever be fair, if anyone believed in him. After all the yelling at a voiceless image, Jack decided that no, nobody cared and nobody loved him anymore so he decided to lay into the icy pond and sleep there to remain undisturbed for the rest of time.
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141,732 Literary Works • 675,635 Reviews
Hi there, Fullmetal!
I'm sorry to say that I have no idea what provided the inspiration for this fanfic, so I must review it just as a general piece. I hope that's okay. ^^'
You have a decent start here, but I do agree that you could expand this. In such a short space, it's nearly impossible to develop the characters and the story. You force yourself to write in such a way that "tells" the reader everything rather than "shows" him or her.
What's the difference?
Telling:
Billy was furious.
Showing:
Billy felt the blood rush to his cheeks in a surge of warmth. He clenched his fists until his arms started shaking.
You include a lot more details than my "telling" example, but sometimes it's more engaging for the readers to let them experience the emotions with the characters. Without a thorough development of Jack and his feelings, it's difficult for your reader to connect to him, and we end up not really caring what happens. I want to see some sort of change in his character, to see him fall in to such despair that he would kill himself because right now, I don't believe it.
The other main thing I noticed was that the entire story was one paragraph. When you have dialogue, split it up into it's own separate paragraph. Not every piece of dialogue needs it's own line: if they're spoken by the same character and either are part of the same sentence split up by a tag or are part of the same thought scheme.
I hope I've helped! Please keep playing with this; I think you could turn out a pretty powerful piece from this. If you have any questions or comments about the review, just PM me ad I'll be happy to talk about it or clarify any of my ramblings.
Happy writing!
-Sea-
The fanfiction was meant for people who had watched rise of the guardians so that you already know the plot of what happened in that story and character development really need not happen seeing as the characters were already developed elsewhere.
This is the first fan-fiction that I have read on this website. I'm not really sure how one can review fan-fiction, seeing as how it is a work for the writers eyes and soul, however I will treat this piece as though it is a short story.
Writing wise, this was rather bland. I felt as though the message that you wished to get across was that Pippa, Jaime, and Cupcake were dead. There was really not much else to this story. If these people meant as much to Jack as you are trying to suggest, I feel as though his reaction would be bigger. His reaction was to go to sleep? Interesting.
Why was Bunny in this story if he was going to serve no purpose? Was it to show that no one was listening to Jack? If so, make that clearer to the reader so that they see Bunny as an essential plot detail.
Why not expand this? Let us hear more of Jack's voice and let us see more of his actions. I would be interested to see what you come up with. Keep me posted. Happy Writing!
You have to watch the movie to understand. It wasn't meant for people who haven't.