Published December 10, 2011
How do you see me?
Am I weird, not normal
gross, ugly, strange
or informal
Do you see my beauty,
beneath my skin?
Do you see
My pasts sins?
Or maybe what I've been through,
The horrors I've seen
If you think of me as 'bad'
Then your eyes aren't keen
I've proven my strength
been through more than most
I've pleaded to God for death
And seen Hell's coast
I've felt Pride, anger and love
And also despair and sorrow
to keep strong I keep walkling
On to a better tomorrow
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139,616 Literary Works • 672,626 Reviews
Hey there, just returning the favor for your review of Fairytales.
You have some good ideas here. Personally, I think they could be presented in a more organized, better flowing way, but I'm no expert. Writing is about expression, and if you've completed that goal, then that's the biggest thing that matters. Your rhyme is great and so is your imagery. It's a message that a lot of people want to say, and you have said it beautifully. This is really good all in all, and I hope to see you polish it up nice and shiny-like xD Keep writing, friend, you have talent
~Jess
Hey
I love the first stanza. The beginning of this poem flows really well!
I like the concept of the middle of the poem. It has a 'do you see all of me? because I've been through more than you think' kind of message to it. To be honest, the rhymes felt a bit forced, though. I would rather see you try to use some interesting phrases or vocabulary than making sure you have a strict rhyme scheme. Leave yourself a little room to be creative and don't resort to cliches like rhyming 'sorrow' with 'tomorrow', or the like.
Besides those nitpicks, I think this is an excellent first post! I'm sure you'll have a great time on the site! ^_^
The stanza should end with a question mark.
The rhyme seems nice and natural, well done.
*past's
I know sometimes close is enough with rhyming, but I'm not quite sure you pulled this off.
We can skip the next stanza, nothing to say there.
Now, this rhyme seems a little forced.
The definition of the word coast really doesn't fit hell, does it? I'm sure there's another way to get that line in.
*walking
You really should end with a period, and 'pride' was not necessary to capitalize.
Good. Now I can be nice.
It was a really good poem, just keep in mind the rhyming thing.
Ooh, I just noticed you're new here. Welcome to the family! You'll have a great time, I promise.
-Starry
This is really good. It speaks to how all highchoolers feel I think. I like the rhyme scheme, and word choice. I think the ending of a better tomorrow is really cool, like maybe the judgemental people and drama might go away. A better tomorrow... Ok to be honest, I love this now. This is beautiful.