z

Young Writers Society



The Reign Of Fame

by Freshii360


I couldn’t let this happen…She wasn’t better than me. Too many things have been taken away from me but I had to have this! This singing career was all I had left. I didn’t want to work in my mom’s disgusting cafe. Coffee was the one thing I could not stand! How could adults drink this, it’s just putrid! Rachael could not get in the way of my fame and fortune. But what else am I supposed to do? I’m just a 15 year old boy who thinks music should be worshipped like most celebrities. There’s nothing wrong with that right? Of course not. Anyways, I can’t let this opportunity slip through my fingers so easily. I have to at least fight for what I believe in before I can just give up. And that’s exactly what I did!

Waking up from one sleepless day’s rest, I hurried through the morning with brushing my teeth, showering and eating a quick bowl of cereal. It was Saturday and the clock read 7:45. I rushed my way out the front door. You may be wondering why I’m waking up so early on a Saturday. The answer is real simple. LIPS audition. LIPS was this huge music company that holds yearly auditions for the whole country. The owner Mark Zen was supposed to be real tough. He once made a grown muscled man cry! Can you believe that? But I was well prepared this time. I worked on the song I was going to sing. I made sure I was not too pitchy and decided not to go all out on big notes. You’d get tired after doing them. I’m going to need all my energy and strength to show Mark that I can be a star! I’m on my bike right now, zooming past loads of traffic trying to get to the LIPS studio. At a red light, I look down at my watch. 8:50. Great I won’t be able to make it now. When the light turned green, I managed to zip across all the cars and eventually make it to the LIPS studio. It’s 7:58 as I walk in and get directed to this small waiting room. I realize I still have my helmet on so I take it off. I look in a mirror and see my light brown hair is a gigantic mess. I try just whipping my hair around a little just to see if it would not look so bad. I stop because I realize this girl was staring at me. I didn’t realize she was in the room and I blush because of how pretty she is. She has beautiful light brown hair with a light tanned skin color. Her eyes pop out at me the most. Those crystal blue eyes sent chills down my entire body. I realize I’ve been staring at her for far too long so I manage to say a few words.

“H...Hey”, I choke out.

“Hi there. That’s some hair you got there. Haha. My name’s Rachael. Rachael Dallas.” the mysterious girl says.

“Ha, it’s just some helmet hair that’s all. My name’s Jake Parks by the way.” I said normally.

“Well Jake, it was nice meeting you” She said. As she turned for the door, I could almost see a smile on her face. After that feeling started to retreat, I managed to start rehearsing a little bit more as a precaution. You can never be too prepared. A few minutes later a young woman with bubble gum in her mouth came up to me.

“Mr. Zen will see you now”, she said, popping her gum.

I excitedly got up and followed the gum popping lady to this humongous stage. As I walked down the aisles, one seat was occupied. Mark Zen, the man himself was in my presence.

“Hey kid, let me see here…Jake Parks. Get on stage and sing your song so we can all get home a little earlier”, he said with a slight annoyance in his voice.

I quietly walked on stage and again Mark’s presence overwhelmed me. Suddenly, from the corner of my eye I see my best friend Drake Knight. We’ve been best friends since kindergarten. I remember when Drake put a frog on our 5th grade teacher’s chair. All I’m going to say is that the teacher needed a new chair AND new pair of pants. Drake blamed it on me and I countered his blame with a simple “He’s lying”. We both ended up doing detention after school cleaning up the whole classroom. It was there where we bonded more and started to hang out.

To see my best friend in the back sitting in a chair gave me more confidence. I had to make this my moment and nobody else’s. As I took a deep breath, I began the song.

I walked home with Drake since we were neighbors and lived right across from each other. We decided to race back home since we had nothing else to talk about. It was funny how Drake just randomly trips on some rock and falls. I beat him to my house and he’s all exhausted and out of breath. We say goodbye and walk to our houses. I collapse onto my bed and started to just think a little. I hope my audition stood out. I didn’t want to screw up my only chance of getting out of this hell hole my mom calls “home”. I definitely do not call Ohio home. This place is where all the neighbor’s ancestors have known each other for years. When my mom and I first moved in, the neighbors looked at us as if to say “You don’t belong here”. I felt left out and especially in school. California or New York is where I would love to be now.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.






You can earn up to 222 points for reviewing this work. The amount of points you earn is based on the length of the review. To ensure you receive the maximum possible points, please spend time writing your review.

Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
67 Reviews


Points: 1337
Reviews: 67

Donate
Sat Nov 17, 2012 4:35 am
indieeloise wrote a review...



Salutations~


First of all, love your storyline. I'm a sucker for guys my age that are musicians.

Here are a few things that really stuck out that I would suggest changing:

1- Tangents.

You have a tendency to digress on topics in your writing that really have no pertinence to the subject whatsoever. Honestly, it's distracting, and you don't want the minds of your audience to wander when they read what you've written. You want them on the edge of their seat, hanging on to every letter, every word. For example, I would eliminate the description of Jake's opinion of coffee, how Mark Zen could make bodybuilders cry, and the fifth grade memories made with Drake. Focus more on the description of the pressure Jake is under involving his living situation, how he's nervous about the audition, etc.

2- Consistency.

There are a few holes throughout this piece. First off, what does Rachael have to do with Jake's dream in the first paragraph? If you plan to include a conflict involving her later on in your story, that's great. I just would discard that sentence in this chapter for now, because immediately when introduced to her character, the reader has feelings of distrust about Rachael. Toy with the element of surprise; shock your readers.
Secondly, the main character leaves his house around 7:45a (according to the second paragraph). I think when you stated that the time check at the red light was displayed "8:50" should have been "7:50," since the paragraph goes on to note that Jake reached the studio around 7:58a.

3. Plot holes.
Why does the character wish to be in California or New York? When did the Parks family move there, why, and from where did they originally come? It's not bad if you don't elaborate on these up front, but I think they are important enough to if you're already discussing them in the first chapter.

Keep it up!
~Indie




Freshii360 says...


Thanks a lot, I'll be sure to make the changes!!




I wouldn't think "impossible" was even in your vocabulary.
— Sharpay Evans, High School Musical