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Published April 9, 2013
“Ah, good day to you all. Might you be on the list?’” He said in the most creepiest voice ever imagined.
My mom said “Yes sir, should be right under the Briars.”
Thats all I have for the meantime. I'm a little stuck and I'd welcome any ideas anyone has. :)
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142,239 Literary Works • 677,069 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that makes for a fun little start to this story here...we have the sister running into wake our protagonist up here with the old fashioned slap to the face, at the very least it isn't as bad as the glass of water to the face method. Although it does look like the slap is a bit justified there if there's something like summer vacation on the line with this person getting late to leave there.
Well, it looks like someone wasn't very prepared for what they were supposed to be doing that day...judging by the very hurried getting ready and the fact the alarms was ringing farr too late there. It does make things interesting cause you do wonder how this person was so unprepared to leave for this vacation when the rest of the family was all ready to go there.
Well...aaand we have ourselves a pretty quick ending there...they just rush to the docks with a pretty dangerous speed there and make it with one minute to spare I see....definitely cutting things quite close there...buut, well, then it just ends on them starting to board I suppose. Its not a bad place to end. There's the anticipation of this journey to come there but it does also kind of doesn't seem like there's that much going on for a first part. It just feels a touch rushed I think...pacing wise...and it doesn't quite seem like enough happens here for this to be considered a chapter. Anyway that's what I think here...it does seem something I'd perhaps read at any rate.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I'm Kay here to review your work!
ongoeslife already pointed out that you need to vary your verbs and show not tell, so I'll leave that alone.
Your characters are kind of bland. All I can figure out about the sister is that she likes vacations and slapping people. Jake is even more of a blank slate, which isn't very good for a main character. Remember, although to you he's a tool to build the story with, he thinks he's a living, breathing, person, not a zombie. He'll have likes and dislikes, hobbies, and emotions. Don't make the common mistake of many writers where their characters are cardboard cutouts, not people. Remember, your readers will be attached to your characters, not your plot, and it's hard to care about a cardboard cutout.
Kay out.
Hi, I'm ongoeslife, and I will review this potential masterpiece for you!
Did you read that right-- potential masterpiece? Well, yes, you did. Because while this is not a masterpiece, it could be one! There is hope for it (as opposed to some of mine, which are neither masterpieces nor potentially masterpieces...) But, I'm rambling.
First of all, OUCH! Your grammar could use some improvement. Make sure to proofread your works before you post them! If I were to point out everything, you might possibly think I'm a harsh, judgmental person who hates you. (Which I'm NOT, and I really don't want you to think that!) You're mostly just missing a few commas here and there, or perhaps have some misplaced ones.
A couple sentences had me very confused...
[quote=] ...she yelled as she made her way out my room escorted by me.
I slammed the door shut behind me and went back to sleep.[/quote]
Huh? She yelled something to you as you walked with her out the room, but you slammed the door behind you and went to sleep immediately afterwards? Wouldn't you be on the wrong side of the door for that?
Another thing that you could work on: variation of verbs and adjectives! (Also, do a little less telling, but include details. "I played the piano first. I walked the dog next. I set the table." No. "The final notes to the piano piece I had composed drifted around me as I smiled in satisfaction. Rising from the bench, I whistled for my corgi, Grace. She bounded up to me, leash in her mouth. Rubbing her ears, I clipped the leash on her and straightened up. We headed out the door into the golden afternoon. ..." Yes.)
Back to the variation part... Here:
[quote=]I ran out of the covers, not stopping to make my bed. I ran straight into my closet and pulled out the closest shirt and pants near me. I quickly ran into the bathroom to change and brush my teeth. Not such a great combination. I quickly made sure all my stuff was packed and grabbed all the bags i could carry.[/quote]
I ran. I ran. I quickly ran. I quickly made sure. That's like having a hamburger with no burger-- just bun and lettuce. And more lettuce. Maybe a dot of ketchup. Add some meat! "Throwing (different verb) off the covers, I jumped (another verb) out of bed, leaving the sheets tangled (adjective!) in a heap. Dashing (alternate to 'running') to my closet, I pulled out the nearest shirt and pair of pants, not caring whether they matched or not. ('Closest' and 'near to me' is redundant-- stick with one! Also, you can add more to this with details.)"
See what I mean? If you tell things in the same. bored. tone. using. all. the. same. words. to. tell. things., people may start to tune you out. (I'm sure you've done that once or twice in your life!) Change it up a bit. =)
I have to go to bed now, but I hope this helped! (And you don't hate me...) Like I said before, this certainly could become a masterpiece. Another thing that would greatly improve it would be to develop the plot more.
I'm very interested to see what you do with this piece! Keep me updated. =)
~Sarah
Thanks for the feedback. I certainly don't hate you but I'm grateful for your critique. I'm always looking for people's honest opinions. Sometimes I guess I don't thoroughly look over my work. Need to work on that. Also, my vocabulary could also use a bit sprucing up a bit!