Thy Kingdom Come, Undone

Hello, FreshMeat!

Well, this poem is pretty good, considering it is a first effort. My first effort isn't wasn't even half as good. I don't know if you've edited after reading the previous comments but according to me, this poem sounds fine the way it is. The story is quite charming and I'm left in the wonderment of the King's ultimate fate.

You've managed to weave a great story and tell it in a nice and neat poetic form. The flow is seamless and the poem on the whole is a good effort. I love rhyme and you have made this poem a rhyming delight. Though some of the rhymes in there might sound a bit cliched but never-the-less, they get the job done.

Please continue writing poetry 'cause I'm sure that you have great potential for it. I'm looking forward to more so keep the ink flowing! You've got great talent.

I enjoyed this piece a lot

Murtuza

Wow. I've honestly never seen a poem broken like this one is. It gave it quite a unique flow and a look. Very well written and for your first time it wasn't that bad. The rhyming scheme is also very well done, and it kept the flow going in places that would seem awkward or choppy. Very well done, nice piece. Keep writing!

Hello there. Review time. But first, let me congratulate you on submitting. Now, to business.

First, the good. This piece has a clear direction. You know what you want to say, and you say it. A good place to start. The religious tie-in was interesting too.

Now, the bad. Are you aware of the difference between pre-Modern and post-Modern (not to be confused with Post-Modern) poetry? If you aren't, here is the most basic, most elemental, most important difference: before the Modern era poetry was usually designed to entertain. Hence the song-like quality, the rhyme, rhythm, that sort of thing. It was designed to be akin to pop music - relatively simple and easy to listen to. During and after the Modern period, however, poetry was (is) a whole different beast. What you say is far more important than how you say it. The poet has a message he wants to communicate, and the poem is merely the vessel for that message. Hence the evolution and development of free verse. While it is true that free verse is also limiting in many ways, it is much more conducive to the contemporary poet's intention. So here is what I would like to see: leave structured poetry alone. If you have something to say, say it. Do not sacrifice your message in order to fit the rhyme or rhythm of the poem. Only when you are very good can you rhyme without compromising the meaning of your piece. This is a good example of a piece that has some structure, but doesn't allow the structure to over-power the message.

Now, speaking of message and communication of said message. You've heard it said that a picture is worth a thousand words, right? Well I'm telling you that poetry is the art of compressing a thousand words into ten. Imagery, simile, and metaphor are your three most important tools. The phrase "show, don't tell" is thrown around here a lot, but those who throw it do have a point. As the poet, you understand the topic very well. As the reader, I may not. Your job is to show me the topic. Not just what it is, but what it is like; what does it taste like? What does it sound like? What does it remind you of? In this day and age a good poem is not measured on how pretty the rhymes are and how well it flows. A good poem is measured on how well the poet is able to communicate their message to the audience. Obviously your piece here is a metaphor. But it is a shallow one. Explore it further. What is it like?

One last thing; don't stay away from structured poetry forever. Structured poetry can be a good exercise. I myself have written a few sonnets, villanelles, that sort of thing. But they're only exercises. If you really have something to say, say it. Don't put it into the cage of structure.

PM me if you want to talk further on this.

K.

Hi there, FreshMeat.

Wow. This is really good for your first time. You're bringing us a nice topic and it flows well. Though, I'd tell you to work on how you divide the stanzas. :\ Some of the sentences were cut because of it. Perhaps you can make each stanza longer, that'd look better. Other than what, you keep writing, kay? You'll be an awesome poet in no time. ^_^

~Solly<3