Published October 19, 2011
Random words,
Meaningless-
Written everywhere,
Over here and over there.
Can you not-
Feel my despair?
Do you think,
That I ,truly care?
[quote]I wanna run with the reckless emotion,find out if love is the size of an ocean ,even if i crash down and burn out atleast im gonna know what its like to feel ALIVE/quote]
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140,565 Literary Works • 673,441 Reviews
Ok,thanks for the reviews,as i said its my first attempt and i'll take on board your suggestions and work on it!
Okay. If you're going for a meaningless jumble of punctuation and letters, you can ignore me, but I think this is my best bet:
First stanza- This doesn't pull me in. At all. It just makes me think that this poem is something to look over and toss out; you need to pull your reader in to the point where they're in the rocking, swaying boat of emotional confusion with you, and then you throw them overboard so they know how you feel. Also, in the last line (my only nitpick because I'm nervous about messing with this) you definitely need a space after the comma. Could you eliminate the dash after "meaningless" as well?
Second stanza- No dash to separate the lines; it feels awkward and bumbling, like a mistake the reader might make if they were reading aloud and paused too long. No comma in the last line. Other than that... uhm. I have few words for this, but I'd have to say that it could definitely be improved.
Is the last bit supposed to be your author's note or something? Is it supposed to be part of the piece? I don't know. All I'll say is that you need a space after your first comma in it, change the second comma to a semicolon, colon or full stop. "im" should be "I'm" because I don't think you're experimenting with tolerance like that on a site of dedicated writers. "Its" should be "it's". Alive... you can keep that all-caps if you want to, for emphasis.
Overall... my verdict isn't entirely positive. Don't get me wrong, this could become something, I'm just not sure what and I'm not sure whether I like it or not as it is now. It's confusing, vague, and un-engaging for the reader - at least, for me as the reader, reading with a critical eye. I hope you take some of my advice, at least.
Okay so I thought this was a good, interesting piece.
But I am not sure if the last bit was supposed to be apart of the piece
Okay nit picks
Your I's need to be capitalized, along with every word that starts a new line. I also think that there should be a comma in some places because reading this out loud is very difficult! I need to breath lol
So with corrections I think it should look like this, but don't change it because of me. Do what you think is best
Awesome job and keep writing!
~KJR~