Published May 25, 2013
Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
I was sitting at the lunch table with my band full of misfit friends. First there was Shay, my cousin who was probably the funniest girl I've ever met sitting on my left. Next came Drake, my twin brother sitting on my right. Then there was Courtney, the witty one on the other side of the table next to Duncan, the only gay kid in school, and Ramsey, the dumb blonde that you had no choice but to smile when you saw her.
“ How have you and Viv been, Drake?” I asked. Viv, or Vivian was Drake's girlfriend of the past six months. “ Good, I just wish she wouldn't hang out with Jason so much.” The whole table groaned. Jason was the most arrogant person at West Valley High School. He was the quarterback of the football team, the pitcher on the baseball team, and the point guard of the basketball team. You could take one look at him and know he thought he was hot shit.
“She has to talk to him for her to help him with her powers, you know that,” said Shay. “Yeah, but sometimes I just wished she had the same powers as me so I could be the one spending all that time with her,” Drake replied. I just wish I would get my powers already.
West Valley High is the only high school in Nevada that will take mutants. All of my friends got their powers already. Drake was the first to get his. One day while I was making toast at home I heard screaming from his room. He ran down the stairs with a huge smile on his face and said,” Watch this!” he twitched his finger in my direction and the butter knife in my hand flew to his. “I'm a Steel!” he screamed, “I'm a freaking Steel!” Every power that you can have has a name for it. A Steel is a person who can control metal with their brain through their hands.
It seems like everyone got their powers that same week. Next was Duncan, who turned out to be a Frost. He can create ice from his fingers and freeze pretty much anything he wants. Then came Courtney, a Flame. She can create fire, but she barely does. Shay came next, she's a Blur. She has super sonic speed, and enjoys showing it off. Last came Ramsey, who surprisingly turned out to be a Flex which means she has super strength- that she's still getting the hang of.
And I'm still here with no powers when it seems like everyone else has theirs. The bell rang. “Bye y'all, see you after school,” I said. I made my way to Combat class. Our school's classes mainly consisted of things we would need to know to become protectors of Earth. In our world, mutants were only good for protecting humans and nothing else. I start out the day with Mutant History, which teaches the stories of the first known mutants and the history of our kind. Next I would normally have how to control my powers, but since I didn't know what mine were I had a free period.
Lunch came next followed by Combat class where I am currently being taught to fight by some of the most skilled fighters in the world. I finish the day out with watching my friends do the obstacle courses designed for their powers. I'm not allowed to participate until I get my powers, which doesn't too likely to happen anytime soon.“I need to stretch,” I thought. I got on the floor and was doing some hurdle stretches when she walked in.
She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. She was tall with black hair and these amazing blue eyes. She turned her head in my direction and blushed. “Huh, I can make girls do that?” “Hi, I'm Torrence,” she said. “Torrence” “Can you tell me where the teacher is?” “Um, um, yeah he-she's right over there.” I pointed to a short well-built girl helping some kid with a flash kick. She smiled,”Thank you.” “No p-prob- you're welcome.” I smiled back but by then she had walked off.
“Dang man I've never seen a girl make you stutter before.” Shay suddenly appeared behind me. “I didn't stutter, I was tongue tied.” She smirked, “Whatever you say.” “Shut up and help me get this kick down,” I smiled.
I met Drake at the parking lot at the end of the day. I had barely walked up when he started, “Hey did you see that new girl today?” he asked. “Yea, what about her?” I was trying to act cool. “She's pretty man did you talk to her?” “I just told her where the teacher was.” “All while stuttering.” “Well I talked to her a little bit you'll never guess what power she has.” “What?” “She's a Shock.” I couldn't breathe. A shock is one of the most powerful powers a mutant could have. Anyone with it could send these painful shock waves through a person by touching them.
“That's......cool, I guess.” “ You guess?”, Drake said,” That's like the strongest mutant at this school, not to mention she's hot as hell and you think she's cool?” I laughed “Don't get any ideas you have Vivian remember?” “I haven't forgotten,” he smirked. It's not like I wasn't as shocked as him, but I'm pretty sure we weren't the only guys thinking about her. It wasn't often when a powerful mutant moved to our school. Being friends with her would make you instantly popular.
A few days later after getting to know Torrence our Combat class instructor, Ms. Corin, paired us up to fight each other. Lucky me I got paired up with Torrence. “Hey, so I'll go easy on you ok?” I smiled at her. She smiled back,”OK.” I tried to tackle her to make an easy pin but she was too fast. She sideswiped me and I collapsed on the ground. She got on top of me and pinned me. All while smiling. “You're funny,” she said. I smiled,”Why thank you.” I hung out with her for the rest of the day and got to know her a little. She moved all the way here from Virginia, her dad got a better job and lucky for here there was a mutant school near it. “ I hat my powers,” she told me,”I'm not like other Shocks.” “What do you mean?” I asked. “I can't control it.” she whispered. “Oh, well be happy I haven't even gotten mine yet.”
“Are you serious?” she asked. “As a heart attack,” I smiled. “Late bloomer I guess.” We were in the parking lot waiting on rides. A car pulled up. “Well that's me I guess I'll see you tomorrow.” “Tomorrow,” I agreed. She hugged me. “Oh.” I didn't expect her to do that. “Bye.” She looked at me then. I felt something inside me awaken. “Bye.” she smiled. Then she was gone.
The next morning when I woke up, something was different. I felt more energetic I guess. But my shoulders and back were killing me. It felt like something was trying to rip itself out. I got dressed and went to school. I ran into Torrence when I was at my locker. “Hey,” she said. I was in horrible pain. I gritted my teeth, “Hey,” I managed. A look of worry spread on her face. “Are you OK?” she asked. “Yeah my back is just really killing me.” She stared at me. “I'll be fine.” I tried to smile. “OK.” she said. “I'll see you later.”
My back was on fire by now. I could barely breathe. I staggered into Mutant History and plopped in my desk but I couldn't focus. My vision was blurring and I felt nauseous. I dropped out of my desk and fell on the floor. Everyone was staring at me but I was in too much pain to care. My back felt like it was ripping. I was screaming at the top of my lungs and pounding on the ground. Finally I heard my shirt rip and the pain eased.
I was breathing heavy and sweating pretty bad. I heard someone clap, then another and eventually my whole class was clapping. I couldn't understand why. Something was moving on my back so I turned around to see it. Two giant white wings were protruding from my back. I heard my teacher chuckle, “Congratulations, you're a Legion.”
A Legion was the most powerful mutant every known. A Legion's powers consist of super strength, indestructibility, healing, and the giant wings which equal flight. The rest of the week was a blur people I had never talked to came up to me to shake my hand and tell me congrats. The only person I cared about was Torrence. We had been hanging even more lately. In fact tonight I was supposed to go to her house to watch a movie.
When I arrived she greeted me at the door. We went and sat on the couch in the living room. “So watcha wanna watch?” she smiled at me. “Um I don't know Ted?” I replied. She laughed,” Sure”. We were about half way through the movie when she fell asleep on my shoulder which was fine by me. A little towards the end of the movie she started stirring and I felt a sharp zap radiate through my body. “Ouch!” I screamed. She woke up then. “What happened?” “Are you OK?” I was rubbing my shoulder and started laughing “You shocked me,” I chuckled. She looked ashamed. “I'm so so so sorry Auden.” she said. I smiled at her and looked into her eyes. It took me a second to figure out we were both leaning towards each other. We were about and inch apart when I latched my lips with hers.
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139,487 Literary Works • 672,577 Reviews
Hi!
I'd like to start out on a positive note, I love the idea of this story. Reading it was fun, and you really made the characters stick out. However, the characters, although distinct in their aspects, are never fully explained. I'd like a little bit more description, and make sure to put in some nice juicy words that really give the reader a sense of who they are. Remember, these are your characters so you can make up whatever personalities you want them to have (as long as they are believable). Just make sure to describe, describe, describe! The descriptions you gave were a good start (kind of stereotypical teen-types, but maybe that was your aim), but I'd like to hear more. Maybe some anecdotes of the narrator's or something that really hits home. Also, I'd like to see more personal scenes with some of them, because halfway through the story it felt like I had no idea who anyone was.
Next:
The dialogue. I mean no offense by this, but it was very dry...and a little cheesy, if you don't mind my saying. Just a formatting note: you should always start a new line when there's a new speaker it makes everything more clear. Also, use some more tags, like she muttered, or gasped, or yelled, something that gives the reader a little but more sense of the way the line was meant to be said.
Next:
Your writing is very...simple. I'm not saying that you have to be Shakespeare or Tennyson, but a few descriptive words, or images wouldn't kill you. A huge part of writing is showing, not telling, and believe me I have huge trouble with this, too, but all I can hear from this is your narrator telling the reader everything. Instead of saying that she looked ashamed, describe the state of her face, her eyebrows arched down tentatively and her eyes fell down to the floor, refusing to meet mine. Something to the effect of that.
Next:
" “Are you serious?” she asked. “As a heart attack,” I smiled. “Late bloomer I guess.” We were in the parking lot waiting on rides. A car pulled up. “Well that's me I guess I'll see you tomorrow.” “Tomorrow,” I agreed. She hugged me. “Oh.” I didn't expect her to do that. “Bye.” She looked at me then. I felt something inside me awaken. “Bye.” she smiled. Then she was gone. "
when you switch location, definitely start a new paragraph, or describe what happened while they walked there or something. Switching like that confuses the reader, and just gives a general "not put together" feeling to the writing.
Also, when you said that he "felt something inside of him awaken"... The reader should feel something inside of them awaken. Describe this in detail. How did this awakening feel? was it due to the girl or did it just happen out of sheer coincidence? Always give the reader something to visualize.
Next:
THE END. This is the biggest problem for me. I didn't feel like there was an end to the story. And this supposed end you gave, I get the feeling it was supposed to be important. Important events deserve a lead up. Tell us how she asked him. Tell us what he was thinking afterwards, and driving to her house.
Overview:
-tell us more
-describe!!!!
-don't skip over major parts
-keep writing!
-Nice story idea, it has real potential.
I would just like to note that although what I have said might seem harsh, and a little nit-picky, I really do like your story. It was fun to read, and I'd really like to read more. These are all just suggestions that I hope you'll take into account when you're writing something else or revising this some more. Good luck and please, oh please, keep writing!
I'm really sorry for posting this twice, but I forgot to hit the "review" button and I kind of need the points and such....sorry...
Thank you very much for the review!:) I appreciate all suggestions on this. I am just getting back into writing and am continuing this story as we speak so don't worry the end is nowhere near yet:)
Sorry for this post I posted it as a comment and this website won't let me delete it.. my real review is above.
I can see a lot of things that you could have done a lot better but i do appreciate that you are a very well written writer. If you review and put more details into your stories i think that you would be a MUCH better writer (not that you're not already). I do agree with MRHILL92 though; you need to demonstrate how your characters are portrayed in your story. I think this story could be very well written if you go back and change some things.
I can write a whole essay on this chapter. Though, I can't get into huge detail yet because I have more things I need to review. So, I'll just state the basics.
Show don't tell.
Every English class-especially creative writing-will tell you this. Show us how the characters are rather than tell us. For example:
"I was sitting at the lunch table with my band full of misfit friends. First there was Shay, my cousin who was probably the funniest girl I've ever met sitting on my left. Next came Drake, my twin brother sitting on my right. Then there was Courtney, the witty one on the other side of the table next to Duncan, the only gay kid in school, and Ramsey, the dumb blonde that you had no choice but to smile when you saw her."
The narrator is qualifying his friends as misfits rather than showing us how they're misfits. Maybe a little back-story would have helped. A flashback if you will. Then again, I wouldn't even suggest that. Shay was probably the only person described as how she is told. We only see her making a comment back at the main character. That is a decent funny remark. Courtney is never shown to be witty, and Duncan serves no purpose. Why do we need to know he's Gay? That has nothing to do with the story here. If it's going to be brought up later, then wait till then. Until now, why does he need to be gay?
And Ramsey, the "dumb blonde." Well damn, your narrator is quite a jerk. Why's he hanging out with Ramsey is he thinks she's so dumb? Just because she looks good? What a shallow person your narrator is. I already don't like him. "Ditzy," or "Clumsy" would have worked better. Otherwise, the narrator sounds like a jerk. Maybe it's intentional and he's a villain, but I doubt it. He's supposed to be the hero right? Besides, she's never even shown as "dumb."
Just adding a little more dialogue to show how all the characters are would have been very good. Duncan could have mentioned how he thinks a certain boy is good looking, and he wants to go out with him.
Drake could have made fun of Ramsey for making an obvious or less than stellar statement. And then Courtney could have defended Ramsey by making witty remark about Drake. Or Ramsey could have come marching to the table with a tray in hand, and she slips on the floor. Drake makes fun of her, and then Courtney owns the hell out of him with the witty remark.
And seriously, why is Duncan gay? Why is Ramsey a, "dumb blonde."? I can't get over those two things. Those bother me the most. Please edit some more. You have an interesting piece here. And there are instances where you show. There's grammar and spelling mistakes abound, but just doing a simple grammar check online will help you with that. I hope this helps you. Have a great day Frayer.
Hey Frayer!
I, like most here, really do think there's a great idea brewing here, I think it has a lot of heart behind it. I'll agree with Luxury, I didn't know it was going to be a supernatural/powers story until it was mentioned a good few paragraphs in -- so I would try to incorporate that aspect of it a bit sooner, if it's possible.
The other thing is that all of the characters mentioned right now are just names attached to powers, and we don't really get a very good sense of them. I understand that this was written a bit ago and it's a rough draft, and you're just trying to get the bones. If you do continue this though, I would suggest 1) yes, do what you're doing -- you write along in a very quick sort of pace, and I think it helps move the story along and gives us a great sense of progression that keeps us invested in this through to the end 2) but also take the time to go back and really characterize those characters, show them as people, and make it interesting.
For example, how do these characters look like? Maybe one of them has an extremely long braid. Maybe one of them only wears tie-dye shirts. How do they talk, what are they doing? Maybe they're playing cards and one of them gets up in frustration and sends all the cards flying with their powers or something. Basically, show these people how they would act in everyday life. It's going to slow the pace down a tad, but it will make us care about these characters.
Lastly, I'd like to echo what Luxury said - work on your dialogue! It's -very, very- difficult to read as it is. If you need more help, check out this link for some tips!
I hope this helps!
~ as always, Audy
I love how you introduced the characters. Saying little things about their personality made me interested in your story and made me want to read more. The plot is very good as well. You have a creative mind! And I love the mutant part! Everyone has their own little unique power that makes them special. I hope to see more of this in the future!
I have to say this is an amazing story. I love it. It's a very interesting concept and I can't wait to read more.
I love most everything about the middle and the end.
The beginning is very orderly and it's wonderful how it memorably introduces your character's - but the first sentence is not very captivating except for how you use the word 'misfits'. Even this can be misconstrued as the introduction to a stereotypical story about teenagers who do not fit in with their fellow peers. This is how I felt and to be honest, before continuing, I skimmed down to read cgirl1118's review - which is completely right about how you have a talent for keeping a reader interested. But to capture their interest from the very beginning is just as equally important.
I like how you offer information about the characters. Starting from paragraph 3 is where my interest ensued. I especially like when you slip in your character's powers. More information on how the school works would have been nice. I was still wondering if this 'West Valley High' was a school only mutants had access to, or if normal people attended as well. It would have been nice to know more about the first person narrator, too. I didn't realize he was a he until later on. I was assuming he and his brother were fraternal twins (thus leaving open the possibility of him being a her).
The dialogue should be started on new spaces, as cgirl1118 mentioned. Italics are all that are necessary for Auden's thoughts.
Normally I would complain about how the main character's name wasn't said until the end - but for some reason, it works here. I like how you concluded it. Also, using the word 'latched' at the end, implies that these two very powerful mutants kissing - could possibly result in something amazing - and it really keeps the reader wanting more.
I am in love with this idea, so I hope (and I'm sure others do to) you could continue it! To be completely honest - this is really good for one of your first stories.
Thank you so much. Like I said I wrote this a few years back and I am just now deciding to continue it. Looking at it now I realize this could be a very powerful story if I write it right. I'll have some more of it up tomorrow and it will answer some of your questions.
I really appreciate the feedback!:)
Great story! First off, I love this idea it's awesome! Second of all I love stories like this, it draws me in and makes me want to read more. That's good if you want to be a writer. You have to be able to draw the reader in and make them finish through the whole thing. Now for some ideas:
1. Add more details. I want to know more about how things look and how things happen
2. Also I don't think you need the quotation marks around thoughts. That's just my opinion and it's also easier to read without them.
That's all! This was a superb job and I definitely can't wait to read more!
Yeah! I will review the heck out of this! Prepare yourself!
Ok, so I am LadyPurple. I wanted to talk about the structure of this. The dialouge is not supposed to be so close together.
When another character talks it is best to start a new line. It makes it easier to read.
And 'Supersonic' is one word.
Also,
"Viv, or Vivian was Drake's girlfriend of the past six months."
you missed a comma before 'was'. The sentence would make more sense. Because you're telling us in almost a side not that her name is Vivian.
And I will now discuss the importance of commas and names. In dialogue if one character is speaking to another you'd have a comma before the name.
Here's an example. I explain better with examples. I'm gonna make up some people here.
"Carl, you're weird," Sarah said.
See?
"Carl is weird," Sarah told Yolanda.
See the difference?
Now, onto the story. I like the idea. I really do. It's interesting!
Keep writing!
~LP
Thank you so much! I really appreciate the advice and will try to do better with this story:)