book one chapter one

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Before the dawn of mankind when the earth was created and the sun rose on the first day, the gods who were ageless gathered over the small planet earth. Each had contributed and made the small planet good. There were fish and other sea life in the ocean and upon the land roamed many four legged animals, but the gods who were wise saw that there was no animal to take advantage of the wonderful home they were given. So Filre the god of light knowing he could not do it by himself asked the other gods to help him create an intelligent creature. Each god seeing it was beneficial to all came and created the first human soul. Filre god of light gave the human soul a physical body. Mira goddess of neutrality gave each of the humans their own will giving them the choice to do good or bad. And Neros god of darkness cursed each of the humans with mortality. After the earth was inhabited the gods waited and watched to see how the humans would act. At first the humans seemed oblivious to the gods who watched from above and only seemed to interact with their own species but as the humans matured as a race they finally seemed to notice the beings of higher power who watched over them. The gods who waited so long to be noticed had finally gotten their wish. The humans then started the first primitive worship, Filre saw the worship and loved it it made him feel good and with worship filre’s godship and power increased. Filre god of light saw his powers rising above his siblings and himself knowing he was the god of good thought it for the best he thought the world would benefit from total light. Most of the humans picked Filre god of good and of light and were afraid of Neros for all humans instinctively feared the dark. The humans picking the good god and the few who worshiped the dark or neutral god began to feud about which god was better, debates became harsh arguments and arguments gave birth to hate and hate to war. When the gods looked down to see their creatures killing each other for their sake they were thrown into grief and decided to wipe out the humans as a whole but destruction requires creation. If the gods killed all the humans the balance of natural order would be thrown off and one god would be stronger than another. The gods looked to Filre and seeing his mistake warned Filre a god who walks in darkness is as blind as one blinded by to much light. Mira and Neros bound him in a mortal body and hurled him down on earth bound for a thousand years for Filre to reflect on his mistake. Filre swore revenge and he has never been seen since only the gods know where he is now…

Well this is quite the start here. Before I dive deeper into that I'd start by saying this piece is in desperate need of a touch of paragraphing here. As it stands this is a bit unwieldy to read and the story despite how well it does manage to flow still suffers from this whole chunk of information being kept as just a single blob. So breaking this paragraph and I'd say the next one as well into two or possibly three smaller parts would be a good choice here.

Besides that paragraph situation, this is a really cool idea here. It seems to be taking inspiration from a few similar mythologies but it manages to present a point that seems fairly unique at least to me on first glance, and is most definitely very interesting, I will say this has successfully managed to get my attention here. Well let's see where this manages to take us here.

Elhorn Hollysharp or Filre a god sentenced to humanity shut his book. No, even the gods did not know where he was because Filre in a human body was lost in the massive amount of humans. To find him would be like to find a five legged ant in a giant ant pile. The caravan that rolled across the desert now was lurching as the dunes of sand collapsed under the wagon’s weight. The tarp across the wagon put Elhorn in cool darkness. Elhorn wore a gray leather tunic and a small dagger on his waist band his normal black armor marking him as a priest of Neros sat in a polished case sitting aside next to his sword. A long blade it shone with a polished gleam it was unnecessary most priests did not use the sword it was big and clumsy and magic was an easy replacement with a word Elhorn could hurl an orb of fire, with a gesture snuff out the small flame called life. But everything had a price the magic was dangerous the mince pronouncing of a syllable could prove deadly. Elhorn had spent years mastering it and based on his previous knowledge as a god he mastered the task that would have taken decades in his first 2 years as a human. Filre was certain Nero would kill him if he knew where he was and here Filre was sitting under the nose of the dark god himself. Elhorn was the name Filre had decided to take after his binding as a human. The constant trotting of the horses leading the caravan was silent on the sand but now Elhorn could hear the trot against the soild ground. He rose and crawled out of the canvas covered wagin seeing if they neared their destination. Sure enough the terrain around them had turned green and the occasional sprout of grass rose out of the sand. What was in front of Elhorn made him almost fall of the wagon. Ahead looking out over the ledge sat in a large valley a huge army giant bond fires littered the camp and rose up into the bright red sky as the sunset. Elhorn knew now they had reached their destination.

Hmm..well this manages to change scenes into what seems like a rather dramatic and pretty nicely done scene there. Once again it could benefit from being split into paragraphs but for the most part you've got a pretty nicely done scene there to get things started for us...and I think it definitely makes you want to read more here. The one suggestion I'd have for this piece as it stands is that you could perhaps benefit from using that earlier bit as something of a prologue and using the rest as a first chapter with just a bit more fleshing out, because as it stands while it works, there's a bit of an iffy transition there.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hey,

I shall be your reviewer.

You have a solid story line and I want to see where this goes, but it is way to fast. I think you should describe each of the gods. Describe what they did more. Describe the humans arguing. Describe the wars and arguments. Then describe him being bound by a mortal.

The main problem is that everything lacks description.

Mira and Neros bound him in a mortal body and hurled him down on earth bound for a thousand years for Filre to reflect on his mistake.

This is a good line. But here is just an idea of the type of things I think this need.
Mira and Neros bound him a mortal body. He was stripped of everything god like. His appearance was altered. His voice altered. Everything altered to make him human. Neros wanted him dead, but Mira manged to sway him. She had a way with words. They threw him to the planet they had created. Their work was now his world. Filre sought revenge.

I'm not saying write that, but I wanted to show you the length and the description and length you could add.

This story has true potential, and I really want to read more. My advice would be to try this again, and implement some of my changes. It is your story though, so do what you will with it.

If you re-do it, let me know and I shall review it for you.

Keep writing. PM for anything.

~Retro Disco666