Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
Beyond the borderline I went, embarking the journey on the way up there and the feeling was a sideways eight scale of a sea's level to the peak of Mount Everest. The feeling I felt was like flying towards the cold moon, up and above like no one could ever reach me and touch the tip of my big toe. Everything was vibrant and happy to its' great extent where I underwent through whether the feeling I was in was mistaken or not.
Furthermore I suddenly remembered the vision of the spirited and colorful existence of Pride as we stood with them. Visions of anything but full of vim and vigor, and people who make merry as they seem to thank God for their entity. Every memory flashing in my powerful mind was always the merriest of them all and that doomsday for me was entirely impossible. Why was I happy?
The reminiscence of those little red, blue, orange, and yellow flags in the air seemed to last. It was a beautiful one. I was surrounded by mortals in just a slightly dark place as we were being held captive by the big screen with Tim Curry's homosexuality in sight. The Rocky Horror Picture Show was being played. Mortals were shouting profanities and other disreputable remarks I may say. They did that but I did my own thing in my little bubble of merriment. Just a few seats away in front of me, I spotted two couples my age I suppose, were also enthralled and so I wondered if they were up there too. In my awareness the theater was crammed up with mostly youth from sixteen and above and that underage was off bounds. It was fun to have an actual full frontal view of a man giving another man a lap dance. Women kissing and touching each other's congo bongos. All I knew was that everything was open for us to see and everything was acceptable and that I was happy.
I could still feel it of course. My company has been rushing through my entirety and sometimes I could sense it in my head, lurking right inside of its darkness. From time to time it felt like my head was being attached from my body at a leisure pace. It felt uncanny and highly pleasing concurrently. Then in a sudden moment I didn't care anymore because I was happy, because my mouth was upturned the whole time without awareness.
The ride to Zion would not stop and it was something to begin with. It was what I asked for, to take me somewhere and elsewhere while I leave everyone else behind. If you felt it before then you are blessed because we would and could finally reach the moon together. The moon that I could only reach. Come join me and I guarantee that you would bask in my own bubble of merriment. I assure you it would be intense.
You might be asking yourself right now, what am I trying to make you feel? What thought am I trying to inject in your dirty little minds? Just wait.
The show was nearing the end, a guy seated in front of me was about to doze off on a girl's shoulder. The room was still slightly dark and the only light was the light flashing on a woman's glory and the entirety of her womanhood. She was dancing to the music, gyrating her hips to the double feature of Science Fiction by Richard O'Brien and damn could she be any hotter? Well she was not THAT hot but her femininity was enough to boost a guy's manhood. Then came out the red luscious pair of lips singing in full view on the background as Richard O'Brien sings his words. I was minding my own business and it was the kind of business to remember. I was grateful to have the moon, let alone to be able to touch it, but it would vanish soon just because I could feel it. I was with the moon. I was with the earth's nearest neighbor in the evening sky and I did not want it to vanish.
The show ended, people came rushing out of the theater, everything ended, but mine was still nearing the end. My adventure with the moon was still ongoing, yet nearing the end. The moon that I could only reach. Again, why was I happy?
Then it dawned on me.
Because the trip I was on was just all in my head.
Because everything was so nice.
Because I was so happy.
Because I was high.
While I was scouting through literary pieces that needed reviewing , I chose yours . Why ? Because your title nearly knocked the wind out of me . It was so innovative . Your work has been published under the Articles tab , but I think it would be better off under the Story tab .
It's nice . But , I didn't really get your message .. And yeah , If it is a story , then the dream element can cause disasters . Just stay away from it .
Hi FrancescaFromThePast,
This is an interesting piece but for me it isn't working out. I understand what you're going for, but I think that the convoluted way it's actually expressed doesn't allow the wider audience to engage with your work.
The ending of your story is a let down in terms of it works in a similar way to "it was all a dream", which, sadly, has become a little cliched in recent times. I want the narrative to work because it's interesting but it isn't working well because being high is something difficult to pass across effectively while maintaining the integrity of the narrative concept. You need to give more clarity to what you're writing, you can keep the images but intersperse them in a more conventional way to help us out. What I think you need is to have your sentences feel like they're run on and overwhelming but not actually be, this would keep your concept without damaging the reading engagement. Like, why not "an infinity scale of a sea's level"? That would immediately be less confusing and more accessible. I'd remove things like "The feeling" because they tell us you're feeling when you can just say "It was like..." and show us what's happening.
In the end, I think that what you're doing is interesting and it is possible for it to work. You need to consider how to allow a wider audience into your work. You don't have to keep that thought in mind if you don't really care about reaching a wider audience, but I think that you can reach more people and have better clarity if that's what you think about.
Thank you for posting!
- Penguin.
Hey! I'm here to give you a review.. Right, my first impressions of this - I was drawn in by the title because I was unsure as to how you'd interpret the moon but here we are - and it was totally unexpected. I like the concept that you're trying to convey - the idea of this crazy journey when being high... but if i'm honest I feel as if it's a little too confusing at the moment. Yes, I understand that being high is probably very confusing (not that I've experienced it first hand xD) but I feel as if somethings need a little bit more explaining to give the reader something to hook onto ya kno? So I'll provide a little advice, because I feel that this is really good but needs improving so it can be the best it can be 
.
First of all, your first paragraph was sooo confusing. I understand you're probably aiming it to be like that but you need a little bit of sense to actually let the reader be interested in it .
"the feeling was a sideways eight scale of a sea's level to the peak of Mount Everest"
Literally no idea what you meant by that, needs to be a little clearer I think personally.. maybe alter the way you phrase it.. "sideways eight scale" I was really really confused xD... There's a difference between complete, utter confusion, and making the reader ask questions about what's happening .
Also, second sentence - also very confusing "tip of the toe" phrase - the way it was worded didn't portray what you were trying to say very clearly . Maybe that's just me but it takes a lot for me to be completely confused xD.
I must say though, did make me chuckle in a few parts .. "congo bongos" xD.. and I like the idea of the Rocky Horror Show, you gave descriptions with good imagery of that. That's the part of the story that came across clearest .
Also..
"She was dancing to the music, gyrating her hips to the double feature of Science Fiction by Richard O'Brien and damn could she be any hotter?"
Like the use of rhetorical question- made me laugh.. But you need a comma before
" ,and damn could she be any hotter?"
My last critique.. I thought the ending was rather abrupt and you could of made more of a build up to the revelation to the reader of the protagonist being high. I like your use of short sentences though!
I was always taught a technique about showing not telling. You simply tell us you're high.. but you could of shown it instead - described through gesture, expression, action,emotion. That always comes across more effective to a reader in your portrayl.
Overall though, I enjoyed reading this . I hope I could help you out ! If you have any questions please ask! And remember keep it up and never stop writing
Lauren
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