Published May 29, 2013
Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.
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140,171 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Okay, first of all, I didn't like the disclaimer you put to introduce your poem. You dismissed a core of your readership rather meanly saying, "Don't ask if you don't know what I'm talking about." I sometimes think it's a job or possibility of a poet to be able to explain something and share something that a person's not ever actually experienced, but bring it to the reader in a way they can understand because of emotion or skillfully-used metaphor that hits them in the same way the experience would. But okay, you can speak however you want.
As for the poem, I like how many verbs you use, and how the adjectives you choose all seem to go toward the same tone. It's pretty easy, as we have a set of words that always seems to describe sex. And I think that you began pretty strong. It was interesting, the sentences that were incomplete but completely communicated what they needed to.
But! In my opinion, your strength (or maybe the entire poem) ended here:
It felt like an end. Especially with the past tense of the word "known", like we've already learned all we need to learn. In addition, the stanzas that came after were much weaker and treading into unsteady cliched areas, like "dancing hips, loving the edge of the knife". Sex is ALWAYS described as a dance, and it's lame to take what had been a poem looking honestly at the act and suddenly read a line that tries to imbue it with a "coolness" or a "risk". I wonder if you'd consider ending at the line above?
If not, good luck. If so, good luck!! Always keep writing, yeah?
And if you have any questions or comments about my review, please shoot me a PM!
The First Only Once.
Hey Frances, Black here for your requested Review!
Okay, so first off, this was great. Well written, with good grammar, good style, good spelling, a bit odd organization and pacing . . . but overall pretty good. I'm pretty sure that if this was any less vague then it would not be fit for YoungWritersSociety. So good work there too.
You only have a couple of weak points, which I'll cover as best as I can (Note that I am NO poetry whiz – though I can do it). These weaknesses are mainly in your grammar, punctuation, and organization (You may have other problems but these are all I'm going to be covering for this review). Now before I begin to tear at you, let me warn you: These suggestions I will be giving you will ONLY help if you take it upon yourself to step forward and actually do something with them!
Your style has the problem! You have to fix it . . . Don't rely on anything or anyone but yourself to do that. I can point out the problem, you have to follow up on what I say! Do so!
So I'm starting with Grammar and Punctuation !
What I'm going to do here is point out a number of problems with your work and then draw some generalizations from what I point out. Note: These generalizations will HAVE to be worked directly out of your style, with you fixing them all the time until you stop making them. So here we go!
Okay, as a VERY general rule, a stanza should say something by itself. You shouldn't break off in the middle of a sentence. That is VERY messy. And you do it: I advise you to make this sentence say something by itself. Second thing I noticed is that you use pretty much no punctuation, you need comma's at the end of pretty much every line and a period at the end of the last one. Also, if you have a new line that does not have a 'enter' before it or a period then it's first letter should NOT be capitalized.
Another thing. This here stanza has some very word word uses in it. You use 'search' (or a word pertaining to 'search') twice in two lines, which is too much. Get a thesaurus and use a different word. Most all of these here 'comparisons' you use are very awkward. 'Nerves turned to hope' . . . I didn't know that nerves could have hope . . . I didn't know that 'nerves' would be the word you'd want here. I didn't know innocence could be tamped. Just sayin', they're okay really . . . just a bit awkward.
Okay, I get the feeling that you're trying to give this stanza some rhyme . . . but it's not really working. Look: If you want to use rhyme it's usually best to use it in a consistent way (Style) and use it all the way through. Not just once or twice. Again I must note on the incorrect 'enter' and the lack of punctuation! I'd advise you to look up an article on punctuation and its use . . . it would help you.
Okay, also, for the last piece/ stanza. You end this here piece very, very, very abruptly. You need to be careful with that. Ending it abruptly isn't necessarily a BAD thing, it's just usually better to try to smooth things out. Give a feeling that what's to be said has been said.
Anyway. I'm going to generalize now! You don't use ANY punctuation in ALL of this piece. That is unacceptable. You need to look up an article on the subject and read it, then you need to apply what you learn. Also, you seem to use your words really . . . awkwardly. A: Use simpler, easier to handle words, or B: Learn to use what you want properly (You would do this through Lots and LOTS and LOTS of practice
Anyway. The problem with your Organization is really quite simply the same thing as your grammar problem. If you'd work on using your words a bit more easily (Don't try to be fancy with them – not till you're really used to using them), then you'd really get rid of pretty much all of this problem! But anyway.
Good work! I should probably have warned you that this would be a fairly short review (Time limit
So Keep writing!
~Black~
Hey there!
This is a beautiful piece. It's really emotional and raw, and I love it. I think in the second line
"Tamped down by that avid search"
Search seems a little redundant and awkward. Also, when you say
"Shaking hands will hold strong"
I feel like the length chops up the rhythm you had going on.
I love the line "love blossoms last". It's very powerful! However, "mouths deny life". Maybe I'm taking this the wrong way, and it's very possible that I am, but this seems a little too literal and less symbolic or emotional or something.
Other than that, bravo. This is a poem to be proud of:)
This is wonderful, and I am totally left speachless. Ugh!!! I just love this poem. Beautiful, beautiful job.
This is beautiful yet very.... I don't know deep. It's good to show a vulnerable side. It was something different but good. I guess some people would see it in a bad way but I like it. Maybe this sounding very weird. I just like u showed a vulnerable, personally idea. SIGH I'm terrible with words...it was good !!!
Well thank you. It took me a couple of days to write it.