Guardians of the Heart

I really like this poem! It is so good! I know it has most likely taken you a very long time indeed to complete and form, but hey, it's great! If there is anyone who disagrees with me then they defiantly have some strange issue that is so unknown to society. Oh well! We will tell them what's right! By the way, this poem is Amazing!

I like the original aspect of this very much! It totally makes it shine, when otherwise this theme would bore me. You need to work on your rhyme scheme, as it's uneven and all, and that's probably the thing that bugs me the most about this piece.

FragmentsOfSorrow wrote:Here we stand,
Guardians of the Heart.
We are protectors of this land, #800080 ">I agree, you should take out the 'we are'.
Keeping watch for this piece of art. #800080 ">I think you could make this, "Keeping this piece of art" and it might sound a little better.

Others must pass tests,
And go through initiations. #800080 ">Take out the 'and'.
If they fail, they’ll be victims of torture
From our own creations.

The few who pass
Should consider themselves lucky.
Our commander thinks
You are some great lass. #800080 ">This stanza rather confused me. I had to read it several times to 'get it'. Maybe it's just me but...maybe not.

He tells us to stand aside,
To let you walk through.
We silently ask:
“You won’t hurt him, will you?”

When you flash that smile,
We cool the Heart with ice.
It acts as if it could run for miles,
But it would come with a costly price.

We see your gift,
Pandora’s Box,
But his heart it does lift
For he isn’t clever, like a fox. #800080 ">The 'fox' thing dulled to cool 'Pandora's Box'...

We attempt to send a warning,
By yelling, by message, by signals of fire.
But you leave him by morning,
While he wonders how he fell for such a liar. #800080 ">Dislike this line...it could definitely be worded better. It just seems to state things, and draws away from the rest of the poem. It doesn't fit the tone.

Thus, we stand here
Yet again.
Guarding his Heart,
Protecting this land. #800080 ">This seems a bit short and abrupt, but I rather like it that way, to be honest.

Hurr hurr.
Bunny here to review as requested. *cracks knuckles*

Ok, overall, I like the idea here. It's an original take on the average "boy meets girl" circumstance, and I think that while original, it still conveys that simple romantic theme. Using "guardians" also adds something with a fantasy edge to this, conjuring up--at least in my head--images of suited men in bowler hats or something. Or maybe I need to stop watching so many mob movies. At any rate, I like your take on this. My only issue was that I had to read it a couple times to completely understand what was going on. Granted, I'm in need of some sleep, but a lack of clarity isn't something any writer wants. I think a contributing factor to this confusion was the disruption of flow in a few places. In a poem, you know you want it to flow smoothly, especially in one formatted as such above. By having a few lines that were a little too long or stanzas that were oddly worded, the reader will lose momentum while reading, a loss of interest following close behind.

Here's some nitpicks in pink for your loverly viewing pleasure:

Here we stand,
Guardians of the Heart.
We are protectors of this land, #FF4080 ">In this line, you could easily remove "we are" to improve the flow while retaining the original idea, but it's the final line of this stanza that has the real speed bump. Too many syllables for my liking.
Keeping watch for this piece of art.

Others must pass tests,
And go through initiations.
If they fail, they’ll be victims of torture #FF4080 ">I would suggest the removal of "of torture" again to improve the flow. As it is, it's not bad, just a little wordy.
From our own creations.

The few who pass
Should consider themselves lucky.
Our commander thinks
You are some great lass.#FF4080 ">Here you change your rhyming scheme. I have no freaking clue what the technical term is for this format of poem, but I do recognize an A,B,A,C pattern when I see one. You'll have to rearrange the lines here/reword in order to get this stanza in line with the others.

He tells us to stand aside,
To let you walk through.
We silently ask:
“You won’t hurt him, will you?”#FF4080 ">Ah, see? Very nice. Simply worded and well phrased. Very nice.

When you flash that smile,
We cool the Heart with ice.
It acts as if it could run for miles,
But it would come with a costly price.

We see your gift,
Pandora’s Box,
But his heart it does lift
For he isn’t clever, like a fox. #FF4080 ">Mm, awkward simile. I like the Pandora's Box bit, but the fox thing cheapens the effect. I'd go for a less obvious rhyme here, like...something with "locks" perhaps. I don't know, I don't write poetry, but I'm sure you can come up with something clever.

We attempt to send a warning,
By yelling, by message, by signals of fire. #FF4080 ">I enjoy this line.
But you leave him by morning,
While he wonders how he fell for such a liar.

Thus, we stand here
Yet again.
Guarding his Heart,
Protecting this land. #FF4080 ">Good use of repetition to sum it up, though it does feel a little abrupt, but I guess that's sort of unavoidable.

EDIT: Really sorry . I see the metaphor now.

first of all,
well done i like your style very much! i love the poem.
the flow of the emotion perfectly matching the meaning, i like the subject point too!
keep up and ipdate us with more

That was pretty good. I got what you were saying, but it kind of lacked some emotion. Though, I feel like it's nearly perfect without the emotion for some reason.

Anyways, I only have one or two little nit-picks:
Others must pass tests,
And go through initiations.
If they fail, they’ll be victims of torture #BF0000 ">I feel like this is a bit too long, compared to the length of the other sentences in the stanza.
From our own creations.

The few who pass
Should consider themselves lucky.#FF0000 "> Once again, it feels a bit too long.
Our commander thinks
You are some great lass.

When you flash that smile,
We cool the Heart with ice.
It acts as if it could run for miles,
But it would come with a costly price. #FF0000 ">These last two sentences may have messed up the flow a little.

We attempt to send a warning,
By yelling, by message, by signals of fire.
But you leave him by morning,
While he wonders how he fell for such a liar. #FF0000 ">The only thing I find wrong is the bit of messed up rhythm because of the longer sentences in some of the stanzas.

Other than those few things, wonderful job!