Black Eyes #1

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So, yep. My first [part of a]story on this site. Doesn't have a name yet, and neither does my MC, so if you have suggestions for either, comment down below or on my wall, please!

I hope you like it...

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A boy is on the flat stone floor of a roof now, somewhere about a day’s walk out of the city if he heads east. He molds himself against the corner of the building against a cement pipe that, if he looks up, strains smoke into a painted, smoggy sky to drift. He knows it’ll go out into grey soon, all of it into soft nothingness. But it’s a beautiful thing, to see all of those colors blurred together. 

His eyes are ruined, but the colors remain, the shapes they belong to muffled and unimportant.

That’s a single thing he loves about the city… sunsets. Because where he comes from, it’s hard to see the colors at dusk. They layered too subtly into each other, reaching his eyes in muddy, bruised shades, except for a couple times a year during the wet season, when the almost-rain billowed every direction, if only for a few days.                                                                                                                              

But the wonderful thing about where he came from is that the stars were bright, bright all night long, and the moon was luminous in the sky, even if it was just a thin smile on some nights.                   And here, he’s afraid that the stars have gone out, and he knows no one to tell him otherwise.      

He falls asleep soon, when the last bit of pink escapes behind the horizon, and he dreams of fireflies and candlelight and yellow flowers.

----

There’s a shift between sleep and wakefulness that is just like dawn. In the beginning, it’s dark, dark, unknowable, and, incredibly, that first peak of light appears and everything suddenly makes sense, in some way or another. Everything is under control.                                                                        

The sliver of the boy’s last dream tugged away from his words and memory until nothing remained, and he was once again thrust into the world, suddenly aware of the faint red that stained his eyelids. He blinked a couple times to adjust to the light, and sighed. So disappointing.

It is always like this, in Rynth. Everything browned, greyed, muted. And the sky, a opaque bright white.

He doesn’t have anything with him except what he carries on his body- clothes, a matchbox and a couple of coins, sewn loosely into his pocket, and a small stone knife concealed in his sleeve -just in case.

He walks to the edge of the the building he had slept on, where there's a low dark balcony that gives a safe, clear contrast with the color of the sky, and puts his hand on the cement, pressing there hard, concentrating.                                    

A map in his head spreads out before him- one he can’t see, but feel, like a woodcarving under his fingers, unfurling and pulsing with the energy of the city.                                                                      

It used to be so disorienting for him, he remembers. All the people and birds and stray animals everywhere, that it was hard for him to feel in front of him without being distracted by the sheer amount of movement and life, of chaos, the chaos that felt as if his brain were being pulled apart in all four corners of the world. For a long time, before he adjusted, it felt as if he really were truly and utterly blind.

He climbs down the building, carefully picking out a pathway through the network of pipes that cling to the wall like metal vines.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Tommybear
Comment

Welcome FourThorns! We sure are lucky to have you hear, I can already tell.
First off I just want to say I really enjoyed this piece and I thought that the imagination and descriptiveness was vivid and painted a clear concise image in my mind, and i was sad to leave it when I finished reading.
A few questions I have while reading that you may think of answering: "What's this boy's name?" "Where did he come from?" "What's his power called?" Also I maybe think of calling the story some sort of derivative of whatever his power is called.
I really liked the sudden introduction of his ability. I was confused at first about his sight but it became more clear as the story went on, naturally.
All in all, there were some grammatical errors, but I find grammar to be a little boring so I will let someone else do that, I enjoy content discussion much more. I can't wait to read more, I hope you will keep posting and not get discouraged. Fight through that if you face it okay?
Well done! This is very promising for a first post!

-TommyBear

wow, thank you! you're so kind!

User avatar
Tommybear
Review

Welcome FourThorns! We sure are lucky to have you hear, I can already tell.
First off I just want to say I really enjoyed this piece and I thought that the imagination and descriptiveness was vivid and painted a clear concise image in my mind, and i was sad to leave it when I finished reading.
A few questions I have while reading that you may think of answering: "What's this boy's name?" "Where did he come from?" "What's his power called?" Also I maybe think of calling the story some sort of derivative of whatever his power is called.
I really liked the sudden introduction of his ability. I was confused at first about his sight but it became more clear as the story went on, naturally.
All in all, there were some grammatical errors, but I find grammar to be a little boring so I will let someone else do that, I enjoy content discussion much more. I can't wait to read more, I hope you will keep posting and not get discouraged. Fight through that if you face it okay?
Well done! This is very promising for a first post!

-TommyBear

User avatar
aaboo17
Review
aaboo17 wrote a review · Mon Mar 30, 2015 8:39 pm

You have very good imagery. It really paints a picture into the readers head, and that's what you want. But honestly, the story is a bit all over the place. I'm seeing the word he so many times, yes I know it is third person I'm guessing but still. We should know the characters name. I don't see a lot or any grammar mistakes, but I'll let someone else nitpick at that. It's a little scrambled everywhere. Other than that, I like it. A bit hard to understand though. But I'd say keep on writing, you've got great imagery. That's what you should really go for when it comes to writing a novel.

-Ally :)



I regret everything.
— Ron Swanson