Young Writers Society

Hi there!

I liked this. It was so simple and clean, and I just liked the end of the story especially. I think you might've wanted to go more in detail though, just with the story as a whole. I didn't see very many "descriptive words", if you know what I mean.

Anyway, I liked this. Nice job, I wanna see more from you!

~Amfli

Sooooooooo many fragments........ #.#

Haha don't worry, it's something that's very common and easy to fix with commas, hyphens, colons, semicoolons, and the like. (But don't overextend-- then you'll end up writing long, windy, run-on sentences, like me! XD)


For instance, on the first paragraph, I suggest something like this:
"Italy. It's one of the Europe's largest exporters of lemons.

I don't like lemons."

Not exactly like that, but do you see what I mean? Remember, a sentence needs a subject and a verb. As it stands now, your second sentence doesn't have a verb.

Now, if you changed it-- "Italy exports lemons"-- it could be a verb. Right now, however, that word is describing what Italy does.


Aaaaannnd then we get to the next problem-- you insert commas in all the wrong places. XP

For example:

I took my beagle, who I named Rome, when I got him for my 16th birthday, and we went for a drive.

I really enjoyed this. It was written a bit simply, but still, it was very enjoyable. There are just a few mistakes I'd like to point out.

My name is Louise, and I am 17 years old. My dad owns a lemon orchard in Venice. I feel like that doesn’t matter. I feel like no one cares. Because of lemons, my life has turned pointless, just like the lemons. I have never, ever, ever left Venice in my entire 17 years of life#FF0000 ">! I want to #FF0000 ">Commathough. When I turn eighteen #FF0000 ">CommaI am going to leave Italy and move to America where I hope to figure out who I am and what I was #FF0000 ">am meant to do in this world. You've been writing in future/present tense, and you need to make sure you don't change that. meant to do in this world. I have always questioned who I am. I don’t have many friends, not good at sports, don’t have hobbies, and most of all, I hate school#FF0000 ">! #FF0000 ">So many exclamation marks aren't necessary. I'll high-light a few of them just to point them out.

My birthday is in a month, on July 2nd. Then the September following that I will be a freshman in college. But before I can be someone, I have to figure out how. I have to pick classes and what career I want to have to go to college right? I think I will be a teacher, maybe an art teacher. I have no talent in art, well #FF0000 ">Comma I have never tried. Maybe, just maybe, I will get lucky. I think tomorrow I will see if I have some hidden, surprising art talent. #FF0000 ">I think you should change this last sentence to something like, "Tomorrow I may experiment in art and see if maybe I have some hidden, surprising talent in art."

So #FF0000 ">So is not necessary here, and doesn't quite fit into this sentence. today I took my first step to leaving the lemon world. I took my beagle, who I named Rome, #FF0000 ">No comma here. when I got him for my 16th birthday, and we went for a drive. I drove to Paris, France. Yes, I know what your thinking.#FF0000 ">Instead of a period, I'd suggest a semi-colon. Why would I drive that far just to see if I’m an artist? Well duh, silly, #FF0000 ">Duh and silly don't sound right here. to paint the, arguably, most beautiful place in the world. I went to a little craft store, and bought some paint in assorted colors, two canvases, paint brushes, and a France guide book. I know Italian, German, Spanish, Danish, and of course English, for my great plan, but not French. Maybe I will learn. Then, Rome, all my supplies, and I walked to the Eiffel Tower.
I took me #FF0000 ">I took me isn't proper English. I'd suggest changing that sentence.about an hour and a half to paint the tower and the gorgeous scenery behind it. Luckily, Rome was pretty calm, except once when he chased a poodle and made me paint a big blue line across the bottom of the painting. Other than that I thought that it was pretty, and even some people walking by seemed to take a liking to it. I rewarded myself with a croissant and some sort of french pastry.
On the way home I decided that if I really wanted to take art in college, I might have to get a seconded opinion on this painting and try a few other kinds, like people, buildings, and maybe even a self portrait.
I stopped by my friend Kelsey’s house, I needed to ask her what she thought of my painting. She is an amazing artist, if she doesn’t like it, I have no chance in getting into art school. Kelsey said she loved it, she loved the colors, the lines, and the feeling. Note to self: Figure out what feeling means when referred to art.
I have been friends with Kelsey for as long as I can remember. She #FF0000 ">Commatoo #FF0000 ">Commahas lived in Venice for her whole #FF0000 ">Instead of whole, consider changing it to entire.life, and when I told her my plan she was all for going to America with me. This would make the transition so much easier. I asked her what she was going to go to college for, and she said guidance counselor. That is perfect for her, she’s strict but loving, knowledgeable, and loves kids.
When I got back to my house I ran right past my evil #FF0000 ">stepmom, #FF0000 ">Step-mom would be correct. Claudia, who would hate the painting just because she wanted me to stay in Venice, just so I could do the laundry, dishes, cook, clean, and run to the store. Tim, my dad, was outside picking lemons as always. I had kept the secret plan from him until now. When I asked him how he liked it he said basically what Kelsey said, except in a lemon farmer way, not in an artist way. Then I told him my plan. He wasn’t exactly thrilled,#FF0000 ">Period instead of a comma, and, of course, capitalize the A in At. at first his brow furrowed. Then he scratched his grey-white scalp. But in the end he agreed. He knew I didn’t like Claudia and hated lemons. He said he would pay for as much college as he could, but I had to pay for the flight, an apartment or dorm, and books. Sounded amazing to me, like really really amazing, almost too good to be true.
I gave him a big hug, and sprinted in the house, and up the stairs, into my room, with Rome at my heels. He always been my dog, loyal and loving to me only #FF0000 ">Only me.. I grabbed my phone and screamed into the receiver when Kelsey picked up the other end. I told her I had found my calling, art. She was so excited for me.
After I hung up with Kelsey I started searching for airline tickets to Trenton, New Jersey on June 17th. July 17th is after both Kelsey’s and my 18th birthdays. And Kelsey has family in New York and I have family in Delaware. I mean my dad wants me to be safe, and his older sister, my Aunt Helen, is is really nice.
So #FF0000 ">So shouldn't be here.I am so happy!!!!! Today is July 10th. I am making sure I have all of my leaving preparations are done. Let’s see...

-Bought Rome a airplane kennel, of course I can’t leave him behind.
-I bought an American car, and learned how to drive on the other side of the road.
-Applied for an internship at an elementary school, and was excepted. #FF0000 ">Accepted is right here, instead of excepted.
-Got an apartment for Kelsey and I to split.

Can’t wait!

So today is the 17th. My flight leaves at two in the afternoon. I said goodbye to dad and Lucinda #BF0000 ">Who is Lucinda? I thought her step-mom's name was Claudia.. I will really miss them, but what I won’t miss is there lemons. #BF0000 ">ILoaded my bags and Rome into Kelsey’s mom’s car when she came to pick me up.
At the airport, we took our bags and Rome to the front desk. When the plane took off I got kind of nervous, somewhat regretting my decision, but when I remembered the lemons, my mind felt normal again.
The flight was long but when we landed we got a taxi and went to our new apartment. It’s smallish but plenty of room for what little furniture we own as of now. There isn’t a yard for Rome but there is a dog park across the street.
My college is only five minutes away #FF0000 ">Commavia subway#FF0000 ">Comma and the building where my internship is is a few blocks from my apartment.
.............
So it’s been five months since I moved to Trenton. Kelsey started a guidance business for kids. She loves it and she wanted me to help her by offering a #FF0000 ">An art program for kids, not a.art program for the kids. And just like me I have seen how it benefited their lives. So then when I was talking to my dad on the phone, I came up with a little saying. It ended up being a big deal, and I made millions from it.
I donated to Kelsey’s business, and then got a job as an art teacher after I graduated. Then I moved into a big condo, and got two new dogs, Lemon and Jersey.

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.”

Hey there, Fortissimo!
So, since you posted this on the Team page, I figured I would give this a look. I will be blunt and honest when I say that this is pretty rough but this is a great piece to use just to show some examples.

For starters, your time and movement are very off. You’ve got her driving 700 miles to (yes, I did look this one up, it is in fact 700 miles from Pairs to Venice) and then another 700 miles back from painting in just a day. This is a complete exaggeration. I mean, I have a lead foot, but not quite this bad. Haha. Really be careful about things like timing because rough timing like this can really throw a reader off. Sometimes tricks like having her take the train would be useful.

You’re putting a lot of information and story into such a dense form that a lot of the artistry is lost from it. You’re really just saying “I did this” and “then I did this.” It’s not particularly interesting from the reader’s point of view. Focus on one event. Perhaps tell the story from Louise’s point of view as she thinks back on how she got to where she is now in her condo in Trenton. Or perhaps focusing on all the thoughts floating around in her head as she returns from Paris. Using different perspectives and telling the story from inside of another story can make a story far more interesting.

Also be careful to keep an eye on your sentence beginnings. Most of them begin with the general pattern of “I” and then an action verb which can feel very repetitive. And even though the idea is cute and I can definite feel the comedic direction you were trying to take it in, the execution is very bland and the whole idea is very scrunched down and condensed. It’s like Campbell’s tomato soup without crackers or a grilled cheese sandwich on the side. Just kind of “meh.”

If you have any questions or need help with anything, I’m positive you’ll figure out how to reach me.