Published December 16, 2011
All I want to say is that by openning my mouth
I let my troubles come out
In a language I don't understand
Or would care to speak at all
Indeed I'd say I'm not apt to tell tales
And so shouldn't say said troubles aloud
Which is to say that I hate the idea of a language with sounds
Why should I have to belt out my troubles through the poorest of mediums
Devoid of pictures and thoughts
Only mere blocks of text cannot talk
Or make faces that tell me if I've been understood or not
Cling though I would to spelt words, seemingly clear
I found they only meant nothing
Nothing to ears too timid to hear
Like yours or mine or the world's
It's impossible, then,
To convey what I might in a sentence
Or millions, endless at that
I can say to you now that it's God who knows what I seek or see
Through eyes that see not pictures but words-
Words that are from a language too good to be true
Over the next hurl of the world, by ways of darkness to visions of light-
Visions cast from stars brighter than human riots at night-
Riots that never end because they can't see one by one as angels fall for them
To crimson deaths in shadows where bad things lurk
To eat what's left (of what's left) of what's called earth
'Till the firmament that's blue and black and silver
Falls into the hands of another man and all the hosts of hell burn
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,687 Literary Works • 675,575 Reviews
Heya
I'm going to try out a different form of editing today, instead of posting pieces of your poem and then following that up with editing comments, I'm just going to edit right on the poem itself!
blue: spelling error.
red: delete this. (usually means it's unnecessary)
green: awkward wording
purple: i loved this section!
pink: too blunt or in need of further description/imagery/explanation
I hope you take my critique into consideration, and i also hope you could understand it haha
This poem makes me immensely sad. It twist my gut in such a way tears well up. whether language works or not, this poem does illustrate the deep emotion of despair, and the last of this poem does illuminate the darkest part of human nature. I don't really have anything else to say besides if words don't work, you've found a way to fix them. Well done, Well done.