Servile in nature
Self is
Sins won’t come ‘round
I keep telling my life
It’s fortunate that it’s all in one piece
Desirable, undeniable, secret- Oh, I’m sure
That life inside life where things are done
Guilty- guilty as charged
And it’ll probably sweat your pants
Or bump you, silly goose
Wrack up some points in your nerves
Then send cold to your feet
Ooh, another train
Guil-Ty-As… Charging- yeah, still charging
Bumped like the train’s front was fluff
Not dead, not yet
Not for a hard long time
Wounded, the front of that train really wasn’t fluff
Hit by a train and lived
The headline of my life
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Servile in nature
Self is
Sins won’t come ‘round
I keep telling my life
#FF0000 ">A very interesting set-up. The way it flows is quite interesting.
It’s fortunate that it’s all in one piece
Desirable, undeniable, secret- Oh, I’m sure #FF0000 ">I must say, I love that line.
That life inside life where things are done
Guilty- guilty as charged
#FF0000 ">Ah, I love that. It makes the reader pause and think a moment.
And it’ll probably sweat your pants #FF0000 ">This line, I'm not sure I understand.
Or bump you, silly goose #FF0000 ">Seems to change the mood a bit, not always a bad thing, it does make a great effect.
Wrack up some points in your nerves
Then send cold to your feet
Ooh, another train
Guil-Ty-As… Charging- yeah, still charging
Bumped like the train’s front was fluff
Not dead, not yet
#FF0000 ">I like the choppy flow here, it works well.
Not for a hard long time
Wounded, the front of that train really wasn’t fluff
Hit by a train and lived
The headline of my life
Overall, this had a very good effect and the mood was well set. I like this poem a lot. Very well done! currently, I don't think I would change anything.
Keep writing! I look forward to reading more from you.
WOW!!!!! this is realllllyyyyyy GOOOD!!!! my favorite part was
i really felt like that was the Oh my god look at this kids genius!!! i liked it alot, and i hope to see ALOT more from you, your an awesome Poet, keep Going.
-Amberchelli