Published November 6, 2011
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139,677 Literary Works • 672,647 Reviews
As DaughterofEvil already mentioned, this was really scattered, to the point it was pretty incoherent. There's no consistent rhythm or even a train of thought to follow, so reading this was more of a chore than anything else. Add to that laughably trite phrases as "flesh-cases" (honestly, there are more creative ways of referring to humans as useless lumps of meat than a poor double-synonym substitution for "meat-bags"), and this piece really has no merit as it is.
Which you already know, if the author's note is truly honest. It leaves me wondering why you bothered to post it, actually.
If you do intend to actually make something of this, start with making it coherent. More creative imagery also wouldn't hurt.
It is a bit morbid, not that I mind that sort of thing. But in general, it was also a bit..scatterbrained. In light of the fact you wrote this absentmindedly and all, I'm fine with that. But..it was hard to see what message you were conveying/emotions you had while writing this piece. That being said, I DID like it.
I'm not a poet, or that old, but I like it. It's a very emotional poem, but nice. You did a great job with it!