One last rose
One beauty
One more chance to stay alive
One last victim
One last fall
One last tear for her to cry
One last rose
One last thorn
One more rip to tear your clothes
One last stitch
One last mirror
One last time to be exposed
One last rose
One last petal
One more image that went blind
One last life
One last dream
One last chance to speak your mind
One last rose
One last storm
One more lightning strike to breathe
One last drop
One last crash
One last moment now to grieve
One last rose
One last knife
One more time to cry those tears
One last scar
One last cut
One last time to face your fears
Roses dead
Beauty fades
A gravestone holds a faded date
Rain falls down
Leaves blow hard
Can't save a love that came too late
One last rose
He lays there on the ground
As tears, they push and shove
"I should have told her,
Should have said it...
My darling, it's you I love."
One last rose
A memory floats in the breeze
One last rose
One last chance that couldn't be ...
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Canary word: Present
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125,017 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
You pulled the extreme repetition off well enough here, though it did get boring after a while. But that's the problem with repetition in general, and such a huge amount of it WILL get boring.
I second Amy for that stanza, you lose grip of your metaphor in that stanza. Which is a shame because you were doing a nice job doing so.
I suggest that when you change the rhythm, put something to indicate it's supposed to change. Whether you put a -- or *** or anything. Just indicated that you did not just give up on your rhythm.
This isn't a very powerful poem, but it was an enjoyable read.
Keep writing,
Kamas
I actually really like the way that you take the parts of the rose as imagery. It works nicely and it flows well, so that's great!
One thing that annoyed me:
Here, I don't see how the petal related to the rest. You've done such a great job with linking the rose to the stanzas so far, that it seems a shame to let that go here. It's not a big problem, but it would be nice if it was fixed.
~Amy
The repetition in this is lovely, and the rhyme doesn't sound forced at all. From the first line, it had me hooked, and flowed wonderfully, for the most part.
Also, I strongly disagree with Iamyoursacrifice; that stanza is just fine. In fact, it was one of my favorites.
The rhythm of this entire stanza just threw me off. It is so different from all the previous ones, and the sudden change threw off the flow. I'd suggest revising it so that it's rhythmically matched to the others. For instance:
I think you'll find that that flows much better.
Also, I think the final stanza is a bit unnecessary. Ending with the second to last would be more powerful, I believe.
Still, this was an excellent poem. A definite star from me.
I like this poem, be careful though. I think it should be more romantic and then skip to it being extremely depressive in fact change this verse:
#0040FF ">
One last rose
One last thorn
One more rip to tear your clothes
One last stitch
One last mirror
One last time to be exposed
to:
#FF0000 ">One last rose,
One last bruise,
One more tear that's set upon you,
One last drop,
One last look,
One last glimpse at the rose that took.
Now then, as you can probably tell I am the corniest poet that will ever try and improve this poem but there isn't much fault here. It's almost professional in my immature eyes just do me a favour and add that in because I want it to be perfect because you have talent. Please write more poems like these!
Iamyoursacrifice xxxx