My mind is scarred with anger,
my heart is poisoned with fear.
My words meant nothing to her,
so why would she lead me here?
Our friendship was so strong,
we were bonded by heart,
It didn't feel so wrong,
when it began at the start.
The outlook of things grew weak,
my heart forever damaged.
Although our trust met its peak,
I had to try to manage.
Try to manage without,
Without that Love in my life...
In the end thats what its all about ..
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Hello, I'm Lydia!
Well first off I would like to start by saying that I liked this, it was short and to the point. My problems are the same as everyone elses. The clichés and the seemingly forced rhymes which made it sound slightly childish. However I like the subject matter, I like other readers would like to know who 'she' is and its great that you have got your reader thinking. Just try using an online dictionary to solve the rhyming problem and hopefully you will be able to come up with some original ideas containing those new rhymes.
Keep Writing,
~Lydia
Hello! You are new-ish! You are new-ish-er than me, so I bid you welcome, and hope you find your stay pleasant, though we've run out of peanuts and there's no in-flight movie. Actually, there's like, one Peanut. Oh well.
On to the review!
This is called "Friendship," but it's about the end of a friendship, so I wouldn't say that's a fitting title. However, I realize that titles can be hard to come up with.
What I did like:
It seemed to be a poem about a friendship dying, not a romance dying. I don't see many break-up poems involving friends rather than lovers, lately. I mean...romance: a lot of mine fizzled and I cried for a day or two, and then moved on. But if my friends left me, I'd be devastated. When a lover goes, friends stay.
That also means that this poem should hit harder than a break-up poem.
However, don't ever get discouraged. Posting something at all takes a cubic crap-ton of courage, and I see that you have that. These reviews are going to help and if you stay here, then before long, you'll get the hang of it.
I want to see this edited. You've made a good start. You've found solid ground, now build on it. If you ever need any help, feel free to PM me (or just about anyone else here, for that matter!)
Take care and keep writing!
Hi, I'm Grin.
I'm going to start out with your rhyme - Ed and Amy are right, it does sound a little forced. Now I did like it, and the idea is something we can all relate to. Everyone's been through something like that. But your rhyming and rhythm need a little work.
I liked that it was short. Dramatic poetry is so often long that it gets boring. As it was, you held my interest all the way through. And I especially liked the end...
That was good. And ending it with a shorter verse was really effective.
So, well done. This was good, and with a little work it will be very good indeed.
Hope I helped.
~Grin
Hi Forgotten! How are you? I'll be reviewing this. I'm Kat, by the way ^.^
Soul, essence, core, there's a lot of things that can help you.
So, first thing I'd like to point out: one thing that really got annoying throughout the poem, is the several repetitions of 'heart'. Yep, I bet you can find some better word to replace it
Now that that's out of the way, let's proceed. I've tried to quit nit-picking, but I'll just nit-pick a bit, here, okay?
This has at least three things wrong with it: one, the already mentioned repetition of heart; second, began at the start? seriously? that just re forces the third point, of forced rhyming. I've learned, with many reviews here, that you really shouldn't build your poem around rhymes, or it'd turn out like this stanza, where it feels so empty and sounds awkward. Yes, it's amazing how forced rhyming can make all this, so it's a thing to watch out for
In the end, the biggest issue was the rhyming. Nothing epically awful, it can be easily fixed with a re read. Try reading it out loud. The flow, on the other side, is something nicely done. Even, and not troublesome
Thanks for posting this, and if you have any questions, feel free to drop me a PM!
- Kat
Hey there!
Ok, so the first thing I need to point out is your rhyme scheme. It sounds forced, which detriments your entire poem. It doesn't sound right, and it doesn't sound that emotional, all because you're bending yourself over to try and make a line that rhymes with another. It doesn't make the poem sound any better. I would recommend switching to free form poetry, that way you can express yourself much more freely, and the emotion that should be there will all come pouring into your words so much more easily. Sound good?
The second thing is the clichés here. Now, it might be that because you've tried hard to rhyme you've held back on a lot of things, but a lot of the imagery you've used here is kind of cliché. Why not try something more original?
Lastly, I'd like to hear more of the story. Instead of a rather generic plot, why don't you make it really personal and emotional? Then the readers will really connect to your speaker and your poem.
~Amy
So first things off, I like how short your poem is.On he same token there won't be much to say. Also your rhyme does feel a tad bit forced... That's not good.
Now, you got some-what cliched imagy, like my mind scarred with anger, and heart poisoned with fear. These are over used and just boring, sorry.
Also who is she? Also "my words ment nothing to her/ so why would she lead me here" That doesn't make sense. They ment nothing dso he didn't care... And its a rather stupid question. Again we bonded by heart, sort of cliche.
Sorry as I am about to get lazy and stop here. Lol keep writing.
Cool
Thanks
Hello
So yeah, this is good. It explains everything fairly well, no real need for any extensive explanation.
No corrections on grammar, everything is cool