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Hidden(Prologue)(I don't think its that good, but im trying)

by ForeverTwilightAngel


Read after or Before I don't care...

Spoiler! :
Mystica (The narrarator) is speaking in her Native tounge but it has been 'translated' to english. After she gets to the factory does she attempt to write her journals in plain english. Also, each chapter starts with a breif description of what the doctors are thinking. Please don't ask why she understands what the doctors are saying it gets a bit easier later on...

'We are now in the forest of a small, uncharted island. We hope to find people to study today.'- Dr. Cheryl Pasternak

I ran through the forest as the tall pale men chased after me.

That day had been so peaceful. I turned 19 and got my birthday ring. We had been celebrating and dancing and just having fun. But as our leader placed the ring onto my finger, a young girl fell to the the ground with a dart in her arm. A few more were fired before everyone started to flee.

I lost track of everyone, and I was running by myself. The men tried shooting the darts at me, but I was lucky enough to dodge them. I was nearly away from them when I happened to trip over a tree root. One of the men grabbed my arm and picked me up.

"We ain't here to hurt you, girl. Just stay still and you'll be safe." The one said. The other was about to shoot the dart.

A female appeared out of nowhere, watching. "The last one. Well, Jacob and Travis beat you to getting everyone, I swear they just shot the darts at anything that moved. After she's done, put her with the others. Then we'll start the research."

The two men nodded, and the dart hit my arm.

After a short time of uncoordinated vision and actions, the forest started to fade, darken and blur, and I lost total coordination, as I slipped into a dark and fuzzy unconsciousness.


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Sun Sep 26, 2021 4:47 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I ran through the forest as the tall pale men chased after me.

That day had been so peaceful. I turned 19 and got my birthday ring. We had been celebrating and dancing and just having fun. But as our leader placed the ring onto my finger, a young girl fell to the the ground with a dart in her arm. A few more were fired before everyone started to flee.

I lost track of everyone, and I was running by myself. The men tried shooting the darts at me, but I was lucky enough to dodge them. I was nearly away from them when I happened to trip over a tree root. One of the men grabbed my arm and picked me up.


Hmm, well this is off to a rather harried start here, but I think I can quickly understand the gist of what's going on and it does sounds quite intriguing...and all of those are great signs to see in a prologue here. It looks like some kind of native tribe of people are being captured for study purposes by a team of scientists and this girl is running away, fairly successfully while the rest of her people are taken down by darts, which certainly makes for a very attention grabbing, which is quite nice. :D

"We ain't here to hurt you, girl. Just stay still and you'll be safe." The one said. The other was about to shoot the dart.

A female appeared out of nowhere, watching. "The last one. Well, Jacob and Travis beat you to getting everyone, I swear they just shot the darts at anything that moved. After she's done, put her with the others. Then we'll start the research."


Well, that was a bit funny there, the men that captured the girl try to reassure her, then another scientist immediately proves them wrong by showing exactly what their purpose is there, of course its far too later for the girl to do anything, but its a fun little exchange, it is of course also a rather terrifying exchange cause we've now got a situation where these people barely seem to consider these humans as well...human when they mention research there, you'd think they just bagged a sample of coconuts or something here.

The two men nodded, and the dart hit my arm.

After a short time of uncoordinated vision and actions, the forest started to fade, darken and blur, and I lost total coordination, as I slipped into a dark and fuzzy unconsciousness.


I think the description of her falling unconscious is a bit more rushed than it should've been, I feel like you could've built up quite a bit more horror throught, but I did love how quickly and efficiently the dart strike came.

Overall, I think this makes for a pretty nice start here, it does its job as a prologue fairly well and it sounds like something that I'd certainly read here. :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Thu Dec 23, 2010 12:49 pm
Asteral says...



Hi, I enjoyed your work. It had many action in it but could you try to put more description in your work. Anyway Good Job!




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Mon Dec 20, 2010 5:00 am



Thank you both for the feedback. I'll edit it later, I'm having alot of trouble with this story but I can't stop writing it. I struggle with this story over all because I cannot relate to the characters as well as my other stories, but I'll work on it.




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Mon Dec 20, 2010 4:54 am
XxMattxX wrote a review...



Hello, Nice work!
Just a few suggestions.

'We are now in the forest of a small, uncharted island. We hope to find people to study today.'- Dr. Cheryl Pasternak

I ran through the forest as the tall pale men chased after me.
That day had been so peaceful. I turned 19 and got my birthday ring. We had been celebrating and dancing and just having fun. But as our leader placed the ring onto my finger, a young girl fell to the the ground with a dart in her arm. A few more were fired before everyone started to flee.

#0000BF ">>insert detail here<

I lost track of everyone, and I was running by myself. The men tried shooting the darts at me, but I was lucky enough to dodge them. I was nearly away from them when I happened to trip over a tree root.

One of the men #008000 ">grabbed my arm and picked me up.#008000 ">-( You just turned 19,no struggle or anything?)

"We ain't here to hurt you, girl. Just stay still and you'll be safe." The one said. The other was about to shoot the dart.
A female appeared out of nowhere, watching. (space)
"The last one. Well, Jacob and Travis beat you to getting everyone, I swear they just shot the darts at anything that moved. After she's done, put her with the others. Then we'll start the research."
The two men nodded, and the dart hit my arm.
#BF0000 ">After a short time of uncoordinated vision and actions, the forest started to fade, darken and blur, and I lost total coordination, as I slipped into a dark and fuzzy unconsciousness.- it seems a little redundant her, try shortening it.
But above all, don't tell us that you lost coordination, show us. Use verbs and adverbs to describe how you walked or how your vision shifted or something like that.


What's going on here?
Don't get me wrong- this little piece shows me that you have A LOT of potential as a writer, but i just can't tell what's going on in the story/prologue.
The turn of events from a birthday celebration to people shooting at other people is just confusing, but it would flow a lot better if you gave more of a background on why? or How? or what? was occurring.
if you get what i mean.
But keep on writing!!!
**** ALWAYS be confidant in your abilities!!!!
-----------------
-jojo.




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Mon Dec 20, 2010 4:47 am
wonderland wrote a review...



Alright, so, that was short. You don't give the reader nearly enough detail or emotions. I was also very confused.

That day had been so peaceful. I turned 19 and got my birthday ring. We had been celebrating and dancing and just having fun. But as our leader placed the ring onto my finger


What ring? What does it symbolize? Why is it so special?
Why are they being hunted?

Those are the few of the questions I had. Try asking yourself questions as you write.

~WickedWOnder





Find wonder in the everyday, find everyday language to articulate it.
— Maurice Manning