Life is like a rollercoaster,
It has its ups and downs.
Friends are like balloons,
They are there if you hold on to them, but if you let go they’ll drift away.
Love is like a wave,
Hold on tight cause you never know when everything might come crashing down.
Family is like your own set of repairmen,
When something is wrong they are always there to fix it.
Hope is like a washing machine,
There to rinse out all the bad and look up to the good.
The future is like a lamp,
Shining on and on till the bulb dies and the light goes out leaving you in the dark
Life is like a rollercoaster,
It has its ups and downs.
I hope this is in the right section.
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Canary word: Present
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Very interesting. Maybe you should end the poem differently. I mean maybe this poem started out empowering then it sort of winded down. Yeah.
I do agree with the previous reviewers that you do a lot more showing than telling. I think this is an okay poem, but it could benefit from a lot more sensory imagery (using the five senses to paint a mental image for the reader). Right now all you really have is a grocery list of ideas, not a real poem.
I really like this idea -- maybe you could elaborate?
You should use the five senses to take your ideas further -- poetry is supposed to make you feel, so try to make the reader feel what you are feeling by employing figures of speech (metaphors & similes).
Well, I'm no expert at poetry, but I hope this helped a little. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me or write in my guestbook.
Good luck!
- Camille<3
PS. you might want to check out the portfolio's of really good poets on YWS such as Incandescence
I don't know if you could have written this using the SHOW DONT TELL method. If you were just writing a poem of analogies, this is okay; you got your message across, and although maybe you could have been more amazing-wowage-Shakespeare-esqe about it, it makes sense and is okay.
Maybe seperate each couplet more, as they are each about different things?? Like,
Life is like a rollercoaster,
It has its ups and downs.
[SPACE- not this much space, I am exaggerating]
Friends are like balloons,
They are there if you hold on to them, but if you let go they’ll drift away.
[MORE SPACE]
next bit.
????
But probably best not to pay attention to me because I am no poet.
xx
Yeah I did want them to laugh...well at least at some parts.
And thanks I see exactly what you mean.
And your poetry is good; I don't usually write poetry either.
Hey there!
Okay, so I know I hate it when people go all "Rule Number One" on me, but I'm gonna go "Rule Number One" on you because I think your poem would be better for some RNO. Rule Number One is: "Show, don't tell." Okay. Life is like a roller coaster. Thanks for the update. Why? Give us some examples. Maybe, if you feel like a challenge, you could make the words of the poem go up and down to illustrate the point. I'm thinking along the lines of this, and bear it mind that I write prose not poetry:
Eyes closed, heart pounding,
We reach the top
Exhilaration jolts through us;
This is the time we will always remember
As the time of our lives.
And then . . . then . . .
The roller coaster nosedives.
We are hurled downward, downward,
Until our stomachs ache.
Every muscle clenches against this low.
And all at once, we come to the conclusion
That this roller coaster, this ride
This is the very definition of life.
Or something. I don't know. See what I mean, though? I know, I suck at writing poetry.
Oops. Reading this, I guess it sounds a lot meaner than I wanted it to. I do like your poem. The dishwasher analogy made me laugh a little bit, as did the repairman one. Did you want the reader to laugh?
Keep writing!