Published May 5, 2011
She closes her eyes
And begins her routine.
The makeup goes on the eyelids
The bow in her hair.
She slips on her sweater,
And plasters on a fake smile.
She nibbles on her lunch,
But no one really notices.
People around her
Are caught up in their own problems.
She laughs and talks,
Aces tests and goofs off.
And no one notices
The pain hidden behind her eyes.
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Canary word: Present
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139,427 Literary Works • 672,561 Reviews
I just wanted to say that I love this line. It was so simple, yet I could see so much. The moment I read it, I could just imagine this girl sitting at a lunch table, a bow in her hair, barely eating her food, a crowd of people around her talking and laughing, completely oblivious that she's there. It brings back some memories.
I don't think that there's anything wrong with this poem. Hopefully you keep writing!
It's really short, but you presented it very well. However, most poetry provides a lot of detail and really paints a picture in the reader's head. Yours did this, but I think a little more detail couldn't hurt. Just my opinion. (:
Also, I really like how you ended it. I've always loved poems that start off with descriptions about different things, but then, at the end, just a few words leave a hooking impression in the reader's mind. Yours definitely did this.
Anyway, I really liked it. (:
Keep up the good work!
I loved this poem! I can easily relate to it. It was short and sweet
Really strong ending with good emotion! Try to add in more lines like this one.I still think that you could perhaps add a little more to it. It could use some more emotion and imagery. The words and story was great, but the spark and emotion was kind of lacking. However, I personally still enjoyed reading it.
I also felt that the flow wasn't perfect. It wasn't off, and there weren't any lines thaty really stood out, but it didn't flow perfectly. Although, this could just be your own personal style.
My favourite part was the ending:
Overall, I really enjoyed reading your poem. With a little more imagery and emotion this could be amazing