Published December 31, 2012
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,698 Literary Works • 673,658 Reviews
It has escaped, the summer has escaped! Oh, wait. That's me being hysterical...again. Anyways, Alf here for a review about the poem titled 'Our Summer Escaped'. Can it be my summer, too?
Beautiful, simply beautiful. This poem kept reminding me of the song, Summer Days, which was as beautiful and creative. What I like is that the essence of the piece is very evident; you were the speaker, and you shared the tale of how your summer escaped. Summer, here, being the metonymy of the love you celebrated with your lover. Very clear, and good use of replacing names and titles.
It's clearly narrative, it's simply seen all throughout. The only prob here which I found is the coherence of the piece. Since this is a narration, it needs to express a certain flow unless indicated not to.
For example this quotation lifted above. The earlier stanza expressed your commends on his expression. Then quickly, the serene scene changed to sagebrush! It seems better to first insert some lines that zooms out of the first stanza (maybe from the place you've been) so that you can go to the following one.
Another point I want to point out is the last two lines in the above quotation. Having them together is a bit senseless. The final line needs some explanation, a story, or at least a nuance of a hint to give a clearer vision.
Lastly, I really want you to plant flowers over the poem. Not literally of course! It's just that your poem is full of emotion, yet the scenes were pretty static and never come out of the page. I wish that you would play with the words and add figurative speaking, adjectives and such, just to spice it up. The piece's good, it just needs some oomph!
Well, that's all! Good luck!
Your critic,
Alf
This poetry by its texture is flamboyant for reading; the mood is not sappy though, still it plunges the feel.
Its amorous!
Forestqueen,
I think this is quite lovely. The last stanza gave me goosebumps. I'm not especially talented with the subject of poetry, but I like this so much I'm going to give a poetry review a shot.
STANZA ONE
I can't help but feel like the first stanza is rather bland. All of the stanzas work to create a single image -- a powerful one -- but this one seems less emotional and connected than the others. I found that the poem worked without this stanza, as it doesn't actually establish any emotions that won't be covered in the later stanzas. Instead, the poem works well for me starting at stanza two.
STANZA TWO
Great imagery here. I love how this simple imagery creates such a powerful response. I appreciate this kind of description a lot more than the flowery prose found in other poems I read. I don't like the word choice of "azure", here. Perhaps it is because the other describing words are so simple, while azure is strangely precise. I think "blue" works better, even though its simpler. That's just an idea though.
STANZA THREE
This is my second favorite stanza. Such a strong image you create! I can imagine it happening! In line three, I would change "as" to "when". I feel that "when" fits better.
STANZA FOUR
I feel that this stanza is a bit too vague. Obviously, something happened to bring these characters apart. I do know that poems cannot answer every question the reader has, but this stanza does not give any idea or clue as to what happened to these characters. I'm not asking for something obvious, but I do think having a stanza here that makes more sense would benefit the poem more.
STANZA FIVE
Again, this stanza doesn't offer much clarity to the situation. I am more than happy to interpret circumstances. (I'm not a complete dunce) However, it feels like you are the only one who knows the story, and are being deliberately vague.
STANZA SIX
So beautiful. I love this stanza. I've written a song using a similar metaphor, so I feel akin to you. Excellent.
OVERALL
Great work. My only complaint is that you are specific in the first sections, but expect readers to look into the situation too much in the later stanzas. Your imagery is great. Great work.
Esther Sylvester