Published March 18, 2011
I look at you,
Your shining blue eyes,
Your perfect smile,
Holding me under your spell.
I fall to the ground,
My eyes full of tears,
My heart breaking,
Underneath your harsh grasp.
I try to shake myself awake,
But you're oh so hypnotizing.
I can't pull away from you
No matter what you do.
You call me a slut.
You tell me I'm worthless,
All because I talked to him,
All because I wouldn't do it for you.
I try to break myself away,
But somehow I can't force myself to leave you
No matter how you make me feel.
Why are you oh so hypnotizing?
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139,427 Literary Works • 672,561 Reviews
I like this poem and it certainly has a forceful air to it. I like the words and descriptions that you put into it. Keep writing
Forest. I love your avatar, by the way. So.
Already I'm beginning to have a problem with the flow. The short lines and stanzas, as you have here, require a strict syllabic pattern, and I'm not seeing any pattern. With longer lines, this isn't so important, but as of now the lack of a pattern kills the flow that you're aiming for. Also, I think the transition between the first and second stanza is a bit rough. Try smoothing it out a little. Maybe insert another stanza to link the two feelings?
At least it seems that you're beginning to standardize the emotional atmosphere a bit here. But the flow is still estranging me. Particularly the first one; I'm neither a big fan on how you start it off nor on how you follow up on it. I do like the second stanza, but the first seems almost like a waste of space. It doesn't really support any sort of feeling or image, and I kind of think that it'd be best to just do without it. It could be related to your phrasing in that stanza, which I found a bit awkward.
Once again (and I'm sure this is starting to get old), the flow needs quite a bit of work. The line breaks seem somewhat sporadic and unplanned. In this last part, especially, flow deprivation really subtracts from the feeling you're getting at. How they are, the lines seem somewhat halted, like you weren't intending them to be surrounded by other lines. Remember - it's not how individual lines sound, it's how they sound when put into the context of other lines.
Well, sorry if this sounded harsh. Keep writing!
-Kafka