This is a poem I wrote for my friend who recently tried to commit suicide. I would like as much feedback as possible to make it really special and amazing. Thank you.
Fresh, warm tears fall down my face
I don’t understand how
Or why
You could stand to do this to yourself
My breaths seem to be caged in my chest
When I think of what you did
What you tried to do
How you wanted to end your life
I don’t understand
How you could put the pills to your lips
As I sit here
Crying and begging you to stop
But still you keep them coming
I can’t yank them out of your hands
I can't even force my trembling legs to stand
Why are you doing this?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
You've done well writing this piece after experiencing such a thing, you've expressed your emotions well. Overall a confronting, powerful and beautiful poem for your friend.
Wow. You have written this incredibly well. The emotions you portray through a poem concerning a very traumatic experience are genuine and heart-wrenching. You give a sense of helplessness and an urge to do something as you explain how you watch your friend attempting to commit an unspeakable act. 'As I sit here ... I can't yank them out of your hands'. I like this poem very much: I like the emotions portrayed and the meaning of the poem. You had a definite beginning and a conclusive finish. Maybe you could try a bit more descriptive language? You wrote very well, and the impression could perhaps be improved by using more descriptive language. The poem is absolutely amazing: keep writing.
God bless you and your friend, my thoughts are with you.
- Ignis