Elemental Thirteen (Rewrite) Chapter 1

When you start the story, you really need to have something that grabs the readers attention. I really had no reason to continue reading the story. I mean, the girl gets uncomfortable when she pours water on herself. That's cool, but it isn't enough to make me want to finish the story. It all also happened a bit too fast. You need to gradually bring the reader into the world of Ember. You need to familiarize the reader with the characters and the setting. I have no idea about where this girl lives or what it's like. I know it's hot, but let me know more! Create the world for the reader. Give them enough to show an outline, but also give them room to put in their own detail. Spice up your writing. Give some description. I love reading fantasy stories about teenagers, so I am very excited to read the rest of this. Happy Writing!

Hello Forest! Loveless here to review your story. Well, let's get started. Corrections will be in red, comments and suggestions will be in purple.

Ember wiped the sweat away from her brow, glancing up at the burning Arizona sun above her. She poured a few streams of water from the watering can into her hand and rubbed it along the back of her neck. But it didn’t cool her off. Instead, it stung and felt as if something had just cut her skin.

“Mom!”, she called. “Its doing it again!”

“Doing what sweetie?”, her mother, Laura asked from her shady spot on the porch where she was reading the newest issue of Better Homes and Gardens. Either put "Better Homes and Gardens" in quotes or italics.

“My neck! I can’t go swimming at all or else my skin hurts, like a cut or something. I don’t understand it. Its not fair.”

“You just inherited your father’s sensitive skin,” her mother said, turning a page.

It was true. Ember’s face conastantly constantly had at least two pimples and she was using cover up more and more. Whenever she even brushed a fuzzy plant she would get a rash, even some of her friend’s fake grass gave her red spots all over. The one thing unsensitive insensitive to her skin was the sun. She could lie in it all day and not get burned. She was tan, and some referred to her as beautiful, when she didn’t have a huge zit on her chin. Take out the last comma. It's not needed.

Ember brushed a stray hair of her layered strawberry blond hair from her face and joined her mom on the patio. “One last week of school mom,” she sighed, stealing a swig from her mom’s lemonade.

“Yep, then its off to summer camp for you.”

Ember groaned. “Why can’t I go to Rome with you and Hank? It would be so much cooler than summer camp.”

Laura laughed. “Its for our anniversary honey. And its about time you started calling him dad, even if its not to his face. We’ve been a family for a year now.”

“Why can’t I just stay with dad in California?”

Laura sighed. “Ember, you know why not.”

“No, not really.”

“He’s drinking a lot more lately, his new wife, Sandra, has been calling me a lot to ask me how to handle with it. Honey, I don’t want you to enter into that home. Sandra would be happy to have you, but she even agreed with me. Jack is having difficulties, and…she doesn’t want you to get hurt.”

“But mom, maybe I can help him-”

Her mom shook her head. “Ember, its out of control. I don’t want you there either. Maybe…next summer, maybe he’ll be better.”

“That’s what you always say,” Ember mumbled.

* * * *

“Come on Jenkins! Dive for the ball! You’ve got this!”, Coach Ash cried as Ember slid on her knees and bumped the volleyball with her forearms, making it soar over the net.

She quickly stood up again, right as the ball flew back towards her. She set it and watched as her best friend, Rose, spiked it over the net, winning the team another point. A grin spread across her face as coach called them over. But it quickly faded.

“Ember, I’m going to sub you in with Jolene, okay?”

“What? But coach, I can do this, I can help. Did you see how great we worked-”

“I’m subbing you out Ember, that’s the end of it.” Ouch...harsh.

Ember sat on the bench after they did the touching of the hands and subbing routine. Ember cringed as Jolene bent her elbows as when/after she hit the volleyball. Use something other than 'as', it becomes repetive. She rolled her eyes, wondering why Jolene was put on varsity.

The Coyotes lost eighteen to twenty-five, keeping them in the tournament. But if Ember wasn’t allowed to play in the tournament, they would be schooled. “Okay, I want you guys to be ready for the tournament game this Friday, okay?”, Coach Ash said. “I want you to get good sleep, eat healthy, and practice your hardest.”

“Yes coach,” they all said, chugging water and wiping sweat. All except Ember, who wore a reddened face and a furious frown. If she hadn’t been pulled out of the game they would have won, they would have crushed their opponets opponents.

“Hey Ember!”, Rose said and Ember felt a stinging sensation fill her back as ice from the cooler slide down her shirt. Ember winced, the pain seeming more incredible as the icy cool liquid sat on her back, a trail following its way across her hot, tan skin.

What’s wrong with me? Ember asked herself. What really is wrong with me? I agree, what is wrong with her.

An interesting beginning, and well-written. The only thing I really noticed was that you usually leave out commas when one person directly addresses another, such as

“Doing what sweetie?”

“Its for our anniversary honey.