Published February 11, 2011
I can't help but breathe a sigh
And think of all the lies
Whenever I hear your name
All it brings is pain
My phone has stopped ringing,
But I can't help thinking
Maybe you'll change your mind
And we'll be able to rewind.
I will never forget that night
Where the moon shined oh so bright,
When you told me you loved me
And my heart gave you the key.
I wish these tears would cease
And my heart would at last be at peace.
But your words still hang in the air
As if you didn't even care.
Someday I hope you remember
That bittersweet December,
When you pull me into your arms.
Oh, I never thought you would bring me harm.
I hope you are thinking of me
And remembering my eyes, blue like the sea.
I hope you will realize that I am what you lack
And wish you could go back
To that bittersweet December.
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139,447 Literary Works • 672,564 Reviews
I like the rhyme in this. I agree its quite lyrical actually. I thought it was also quite moving.
One thing that I am picky on though is rhythm and amount of syllables. It's just me, but every poem that doesn't have a constant rhythm feels like a lot of bumps to me, because you think you've got it figured and begin to read it in a certain way, then it bumps.
But don't mind that note, because not everyone is like me. I just like poems that way (in fact I love them that way.)
Anyway, good poem
Spelling: I found "Shined" which should be "Shone"
This was amazing. It wasn't very descriptive but it made the reader (or at least me) feel for you because of your heartache. For me though this was more a lyrical poem than a dramatic poem because of the rhymes and the wording. However, all together it was a moving poem
The first thing that I observe when I read this poem is that unlike much of the dramatic poetry that I read, your poem rhymes. I also think that you pulled that off very well. However, a major problem with this poem is that although you have couplets, it is hard as a reader to know which syllables to put emphasis on. I think you should work on keeping the number of syllables the same within each line of your couplets. That would really make all the difference.
Keep writing!
-Alex