Beautiful Vision

Hey there. First let me say this was a good piece but could definitely go further if you give it some TLC. I believe that some punctuation would definitely do this poem more justice, but that's all up to you and your own opinion. I also feel that in reading this poem it lacks symmetry, due to the imbalance of syllable's in the lines. I would look into rearranging words and sentences so that it is more symmetrical, putting and taking out where necessary.

Forestqueen808 wrote:A silent but drumming heartbeat <---I almost agree with KatTrain here, but like the first two lines of the santza. Perhaps rewording the last two?
Echoing in my flushed ears
A finger tracing my jaw
Our bodies melding together

A surge of passionate emotions
Running through my veins
A hand holding my neck <---Change holding to, 'caressing' or 'grasping' or something more descriptive to portray the mood of how the neck is being held - romantically, painfully, angrily?
Our lips touching fully

A soft, haunting melody
Ringing through a darkened room nice beginning
A hand on my waist
Our fingers entwined not a very smooth transition of description

A silent but drumming heartbeat
Echoing in my flushed ears
A finger tracing my jaw
Our bodies melding together just delete this stanza, it doesn't do much

A surge of passionate emotions
Running rampant through my veins you don't have to use that word but add one in there to help the rythem
A hand holding my neck is this supposed to be romantic
Our lips touching fully This is just clumsy

A beautiful vision
Disappearing as I open my eyes
A voice asking if I’m alright I like
Our eyes locking

A soft, haunting melody
Ringing through a darkened room
A hand on my waist
Our fingers entwinedI like the repeated stanza