You could've told me everything was going to fall apart,
instead of saying it was going to be okay.
Maybe it would have been better,
if you would've said we were making a new start.
Do you ever think of what you did,
or regret it?
Don't you ever stop thinking of yourself,
and for a chance think say no to the hit?
You left us on the edge of our seats.
I thought maybe you would come back,
and say you were glad to be off the streets.
That you were sorry for abandoning us.
But what do you do instead?
You leave us knowing that you left on the bus.
What did we do to you,
to make us drive you away?
To pick up the lighter and forget about the world,
and us too?
Was it us in general,
or were you just disturbed?
Now you sit in an isolated place,
and think of us,
wondering why you don't belong.
And you want to know what I have to say?
Move along.
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Hello, there!
Rachel here to review.
This piece, though wordy, was good. The concept of who you're writing about is a bit unclear, though. Is it a father-figure? A friend? An enemy? I feel like the person you're writing about should just be little more obvious.
This section here:
I was really confused by this.
"a chance think say no to the hit." ..What? Is this supposed to be "a chance to think and say no to the hit?" Or something of that sort? It really confused me. And then also, what "hit" are you talking about? This whole section just had me lost.
Other than that, great job! I see the emotion and passion behind what you've written here. Just tweak that one line and add a little more clarification, and this could be a very, very good piece.
Keep at it!
-Rae
This piece is about my father, also "hit" means like a hit from a cigarette or weed. Thank you for reviewing this piece ill fix it.
My favorite part:
"You could've told me everything was going to fall apart,
instead of saying it was going to be okay.
(. . .)
And you want to know what I have to say?
Move along."
(the entire poem)
But mostly the beginning.
I just love how it completely tells how we felt, or feel, and him.
We did good. :3
Well, I did good. -.-
Considering that I did everything, except for come up the idea of what to write about.
You're welcome for helping. :3
Writing about him was my idea.
That was your ONLY idea.