The day is over.
Illusions are brought
To the forlorn security
That my past throngs
Until the day is over.
The sun is unseen,
And sleep is my death
'Till the better times leave.
Balthazar, pretty,
You'll forever be my prince.
Nevermore
I shall be waiting:
Cast in chain, igniting, fleeting.
I shall be
An escaping statistic
Lost in time,
Less than you'll ever be.
I'll get higher -
I'll be higher
In my peace.
In my crying peace,
Forget and forgive.
In fog things are unseen.
Whispers are eulogy,
Scared and undone.
The train is moving
Through the tunnel
To see the truth,
To seek the nun.
Sorry, guys,
I think I'm done.
The light turns black.
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Canary word: Present
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I agree with you on punctuation and page breaks. These make it easier to understand the piece through organization. Do you have any suggestions on the content? Originally I was hinting at suicide. First, all the illusions made of life, sometimes unfortunate, then, a becoming statistic made of a person - when people commit suicide, they become a selfless, thoughtless number to anyone who did not know them. "I'll be higher" speaks toward reaching heaven or some sort of an afterlife. Next, the train - the light at the end of the tunnel, so-to-speak. Can you see that at all, or is it just my overwhelming symbolism? I do tend to use symbolism in significant, I might even add, in superfluous amounts. What do you think?
I agree with Suzanne. The lack of punctuation is more chaotic than anything, and it, coupled with the capitalization of the first letter of every line and the line breaks made for no apparent reason, made this poem almost impossible to understand. Adding in punctuation and cutting down on the capitalization, in addition to some playing around with the line breaks, would make it much more coherent. As-is, it's too rough and messy to really understand. Spontaneity is good and all to start with, but it does not net one a coherent and finished product.
I'm not entirely sure lack of punctuation is the best way to show spontaneity. For one thing, lack of punctuation more so shows chaos, disorder, and better reflects a speakers thought processes than, in my opinion, the writer's spontaneity. Additionally, in the case of your poem, the lack of punctuation and the style leaning towards a capital letter at the beginning of each line makes it near impossible to understand. Spontaneity out the window, I can't even follow it.
Do you mean lighting?I personally would advise you to add punctuation. I don't think spontaneity is a good reason to leave it out. You need much more purpose and thought when defying the general writing conventions in poetry because it does say a lot - but I don't think it says much here. Sorry I cannot review the content or much more of this poem, but as I said, I currently can't follow it.
Best of luck!