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Canary word: Present
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,852 Reviews
Hey! This is good, it needs a little work grammar wise, but the idea especially is good.
This:
Not one single sound
will befall your lips.
Should be:
Not one single sound
would befall your lips.
This:
I could ask you what happened,
when love had past?
I think you meant?:
I could ask you what happened,
when your love had passed.
Or?:
I could ask you what happened,
when had your love passed?
This doesn't need to be capitalized:
Like those hasty words;
This:
I could tell you I’m going,
like I used to each day.
When curfew was up
and you’d begged me to stay.
Should be:
I could tell you I’m going,
like I used to each day
when curfew was up
and you’d begged me to stay.
Anyways I liked this!
Thanks for your help! I'm going to change some things around, but other lines are meant to be the way they are, simply because of the figurative language of it, etc. c:
It seems i'm at a loss of words. I do really enjoy this piece, it took me back at first I wasn't sure I was going to like it because you read the title youre like "Ok so we're going to have a poem about a little boy growing up" but this is so much more than that. We know your characters are old without you saying "i'm 82 my wife doesn't love me anymore" you just showed us. You painted a picture and I love poems like that. Good job! My only critique (because if I just praised you you'd never grow) would to be if you were to write this poem again I would say choose better verbs. When you said "befall" that was perfect usage and it made that verse so much more. linking verbs (Could would should is was etc.) detract from writing.
Thanks for your input! I haven't really written too many poems, so any input I get is awesome!