ATTENTION - I wrote this in five minutes so pick this apart all you want! Also, there is another message on the side, only the capital letters!
Wandering our way down the street, a raven crowing in defeat.
Our minds are filled with sweet things and are thinking of something to eat.
Neither ghost nor ghoul has stopped a single one of us, the figures that roam these streets.
Don’t think we won’t try it - fool you in to thinking we something rather spooky.
Either we adorn the capes of red and black with fangs dripping with something icky. Or we make ourselves so different,
that even the real monsters think we are are scary.
Run while you can, because the thrills are soon to come and the night has just begun.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hello it's Izzy here for a review!
This is very spooky!
I'm not going to critique your grammar cause I'm bad at that so let me tell you what I like and what I don't.
I like the way you write poems sometimes and they say a word, and the word pretty much just sums up the poem, I think it's quite nice!
I feel like this is a poem about walking down the street, and things are following you. What things you may ask? THINGS!!! Mwahahaha! But the things are more scared of you then you are of them, hence the line "That even real monsters think we are scary"
I hope I didn't butcher your poem!
Izzy
I know I'm a little
a little what? I think you cut yourself off.
annoying haha I meant to say annoying.
You are not annoying. Trust me.
A perfect piece to review during October! *Starts the hot cocoa machine and gets out a quill pen to begin reviewing* Let's get started shall we.
1) Thank you for using an author's note! People don't get how important these are, they really help a reviewer understand the piece and give a sense of what the author is looking for. If you ever end up not getting the type of feedback you'd like in a review, consider extending your author's note to include questions to direct the review with suggestions for material you'd be interested for feedback on.
2)I think I've said this in another on of your poems, but is there a way you can make it so that the 2nd to last and 3rd to last lines don't interrupt the whole acrostic thing? I mean the big point of an acrostic is getting that word on the side in -- so if you don't get that, it's like .... well that was something. Like when I write acrostics, that side word is my priority. I will delete essential content just to make that word in tact. It takes a bit more work but I'm sure you can accomplish it. And if not - maybe consider indenting those two lines so they don't get lost into the acrostic word?
3)I'm a bit confused in line 3 & 4 who exactly the speaker is. Are they a child afraid of getting scared by ghouls or are they the ones scarying people? Maybe try to clarify this a bit.
4)I liked the internal rhyme you used here and there. Normally I don't like when people use rhyming randomly but the assonance and rhyming worked here to keep the piece light-hearted in my opinion.
5)Can you add a bit more of that lovely halloween spooky imagery? You do the bit with fangs and capes but I think you could have even more! What do the ghouls look like? What does the road and crow look like? Adding more imagery will establish an even clearer feel and tone for the piece overall.
Well thank you for sharing your lovely poem with YWS! It's perfect timing with halloween and I do enjoy reading these light-hearted little halloween reflective pieces.
Best of luck in your future writing!
~alliyah
This Review has been brought to you by Team Werewolves. Happy Review Day!
This is ZeldaIsShiek here, reviewing a poem on my favorite Holiday about my second favorite holiday, Review Day and Halloween! Thanks for writing this! Let's begin the review!
I love how this is about Halloween as a holiday and an event as a whole ,not just one aspect of the experience, such as Trick-or-Treating, parties, dressing up, the fact that ghosts are not actually real, or at least not in the way we see them, etc. I also thing the secret word "WONDER" is fitting, as Halloween is a WONDER-ful day that people of all ages can enjoy in various ways. On one day out of the entire year, everyone can share one thing in common: everyone is having fun. Is there a single party-goer, spirit summoner, sleep-over connoisseur, or 6-year-old-in-a-costume that is not having dun with their family while experiencing something truly WONDERful? Sure there may be exceptions, but who can turn down some delicious candy and a chance to truly be yourself without being judged by anyone or anything? The only way I can see you not liking Halloween is if you are either completely mental, or just don't like to have fun in general.
I really like this poem, and I'd like to thank you for another great poem! See you again soon, and have a happy Review Day!
-ZeldaIsShiek
Thanks Zelda! You nailed my meaning and if you like my poems check out my porfolio! I have about eight others there!
Got it! Good for Review Day, eh?
Yup!
I just wanted to say I really liked your poem! The spoopy is with you young padawan.
@LordTachanka Your damn profile picture. Just... spongebob. Spongebob. Also, thanks!
Hello I'm here to review your poem a little bit
WOw fReN THIs iS ReALLy SPooKy
seriously though I love it. I've always loved acrostic poems, and noW I FIND A SPOOKY SCARY ONE AHHHHHHHH.
okay that aside here's the actual review part.
"Don’t think we won’t try it - fool you in to thinking we something rather spooky."
I think this line maybe could've worded better. And with the current wording of it I think "...thinking we something..." should have and "are" thrown in after "we". that's just me though.
otherwise I genuinely don't see anything else. this is, once again, one of my favorite pieces of art.
good work my pal
I look forward to more from you
HAVE A GOOD REST OF THE DAY AND HAPPY HALLOWEEN 18TH!!
>Adrian
Thank you so much Adrian! It means a lot to me, really, it does. When I write more poems would you like me to tag you? Also, HAPPY HALLOWEEN! *crowds begin to gather, chanting spoopy*
no problem my pal
and I would love it if you tagged me!
thank you
No problem!
Hello Flumadiddle! Welcome to YWS! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!
Wandering our way down the street, a raven crowing in defeat.
Give me your soul.With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!
Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough= removeUnderline = krazy Kara komments.
Spoiler
Our minds are filled with sweet things and are thinking of something to eat.
Neither ghost nor ghoul has stopped a single one of us, the figures that roam these streets.
Don’t think we won’t try it - fool you in to thinking we something rather spooky.
Either we adorn the capes of red and black with fangs dripping with something icky.
Or we make ourselves so different,
{change "icky" to something else to keep the rhyme scheme and make the message clearthat even the real monsters think we are are scary.
Run while you can, because the thrills are soon to come and the night has just begun.
Pretty good poem overall, especially for being written in five minutes. One thing: I would bold the secret message to make it more obvious, if you don't want to make it super secret in the first place. Keep up the great work.
Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --
Kara
Thank you!