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Something More, Something Unique Chapter 2

by DeerInBacPac


ATTENTION - I will start every chapter by stating which characters point of view it is and a quote!! 

Chapter 2 - Griffin 

"Fear is stupid. So are regrets." - Marilyn Monroe  

      I sat on the moth-bitten couch, my head pounding and back aching. In front of me sat my adoptive parents, Alex and Meg. They both clutched a bottle and a cigarette dangled from their thin lips. Their eyes were blood shot and both seemed extremely jumpy. I had been sitting on that couch for a few hours now, neither of them letting me leave. It was like this most nights.

  Running my hands through my hair, I contemplated how I could get out of this house. Away from them. I could make up some excuse, like I needed to head to a friend's but that wouldn't work. They never let me out of their sights. They won't even let me attend college. Afraid that this society will corrupt me and that I will go out late partying and such. Hypocrites. 

  This house was only twenty years old, only three years older then me. The paneling had dulled and the window were cracked in someplaces. The screen door was duck-taped in other spots, while the actual door needed a good coat of paint. 

  My eyes went blurry out of nowhere and I heard something that wasn't quite right. It was the sound of someones heartbeat. Some how I knew it wasn't me but holy hell was it creepy. After my eyes went back to normal and the noise was gone, I shook my head, trying to forget about that weird thing. 

  "Damn kid. No help at all. Go get a job or something. Your getting on my nerves just sitting there but before you move, I need to rid of my cigarette." Alex said and walked over to me, cigarette in his hand now. I just sat here, not bothering to try and run from him anymore. 

  He yanked my arm from me and stuck the cigarette into my skin, it burning and searing my skin. I held in my whimpers. You think I would be used to this after eleven years but nope. My arms are covered in scars from them and a few ones from broken glass shards. 

  But that was a good idea, no matter how much I did not want to admit it. Get a reasonable job. It would get me away from here for a while at least. There was one place that was only two hours drive away and the farther the drive, the longer the time I had away from them. 

  I got up abruptly, pain blistering in my back again. 

  "I'm going." was all I told them. Meg screamed at me, throwing their bottles and the glass shattering, littering the floor.  Alex just looked at me, his glare giving away that he wanted to say something but, knowing him, he knew when to hold his tongue. 

 "Your seventeen, you can't leave! You listen to us-" Meg began to tell me but I interrupted. 

 "I turn eighteen in a month! Let me be, please. For once be good adoptive parents." I retorted and they looked at me, mouths agape and nostrils flaring. 

  I slowly inched my way toward the broken door, both of their faces getting redder and redder. They were like quick growing tomatoes. It was quite funny, really. But neither did anything. I could tell that they were happy that I was leaving the house, even though they did not like the idea of it.  

Two hours later 

   Standing in front a building, I looked it up and down quickly. The paint was cracked and falling off. The flowers no longer existed where the now dry, weed-infested soil ruled. The whole place seemed caked in urgency. In distraught. 

   Walking around slowly, hoping to not disturb any of the patient's that were in the front lawn and accompanied by nurses, I went through the front doors. 

   The man at the front desk seemed rather nervous, his eyes roaming around quickly. His hair was very greasy and he was skinny as all hell. He looked over at me and gasped. 

  I smiled in return and he gulped loudly. Seemed like he wasn't used to completely normal people being here. If normal included me. 

  "So-" I began but was interrupted

  "If you are here for a job, take mine bucko. You seem about my patients age and if you're a month or two away from turning eighteen take it. My patient doesn't need a diploma or some fancy degree to be taken care of. Also, don't tell the boss I said so." A voice told me from behind. That voice was coming from a bird like woman with big blue eyes. 

  "H-How?" was all I said. 

  "No one comes to visit, in this town it's a down right shame to have a member taken here. Those who do come are looking for a job. Figured you were the second option." 

  "But, um, I am nowhere near qualified for this. I have no training or anything!" 

   "Listen here, bucko. I need out of this place. It is draining me. My only patient needs this. Management does not trust me anymore. They don't because I saved a life here and you know what they did? They assigned me that patient. Tells you a lot about Ripper, doesn't it? How they are willing to get another patient hurt again, just to keep this quiet and not waste money. My patient needs one who is not riddled in disdain and anxiety. She needs someone who will comfort her and talk to her and hear her out. I don't vare that you are a minor or male. You will help out my patient. No other words."

   Then the woman walked away and I went and sat down on one of the lobby chairs. She did have a point though, about how a patient should be comforted an such. Not put back into the same environment they fear the most. I sat there for I don't how long, till I got up and headed toward the door to leave. But I didn't get far before someone ran into me. 

   "Oh, sorry. Here, let me. What's your name, anyways?" I asked the woman that had fallen on the floor. She was rather pretty, in a way.

"It's Nayleth. Nayleth Drequinn. Now, move because I am not staying here any longer and if you don't, I will drag you with me!" She told me and tore through the doors, guards at her tail. She was much quicker then them, but from what I knew about Ripper, they did not have somewhere to properly exercise. Unless she spent her days running around her ward. 

   Then, out of nowhere, the heartbeat came back. I could just see her running still and the more I concentrated, the more I knew that it was her's. Either I was an idiot or insane but I decided to follow her. My gut was telling me to, anyways. Something about her was just so familiar. 

   We walked for awhile, her telling me this and that. At one point I noticed that she was freezing, so giving her my jacket seemed the best option. She had thanked me for that, surprise easily noticeable in her voice. 

   After a few moment of silence, the birds began to sing. Robins and chickadees, blue jays and mocking jays. Their songs filled the air and made everything seem less stressful, like a burden had been lifted off of our shoulders. The smell of pine trees filled the air and blocked out anything else. 

   As we walked, the dirt path crumbled beneath our feet, the few stones catching in the grooves of my boots. Her bare feet, on the other hand, were caked in dust but she didn't seem to mind.

   "Um, Nat?" I asked her, bumping her shoulder slightly. A woman was running down the road, a red scarf trailing behind her, a gray sweater and identical black hair also accompanied her. Her eyes were also a grayish-blue. Unlike Nat's, which were a lovely chocolate brown. 

   But Nat did not answer my question. Instead she went toward the woman. She practically leaped at her and neither let go from the others embrace for a long while. I just ran to catch up and stood behind them, rather embarrassed really. 

   After introductions, I learned that the woman was Nat's older sister, Angela. She informed us that Nayleth's Gram was still well and her mother was, well, the truly insane one, to say the least. As we kept walking up the dirt path, which seemed as it would never end, we finally could see the house. A this point Nat moved back toward me and her sister ran back toward the house. 

   "Did you tell her to go back up?" I asked Nat. 

   "Yes. Also, the nickname. I like it." she told me but her voice told me something more. 

   "You worried?" 

   "Yes."  

   We talked for bit after that, her filling me in on little things. Like how her mother should really be in Ripper, not her. How she scared to go home, to see if things were the same or if her family just pushed her from their memories. 

   We did not talk anymore, after that. We made our way up the rest of the path and the only thing I could hope that this reunion would go well for her. And that no one would be worried about a stranger in the house.

   

   

   

    


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Fri Nov 17, 2017 3:40 pm
IzzyIsHappy wrote a review...



Hey! Izzy here for a review!

I really liked the beginning of this story. But towards the end it made little sense. Maybe make it a little more clearer?

Explain to me why Griffin has adoptive parents? Why do they abuse him?

A couple spelling mistakes, but that's okay.

I really enjoyed this and I can't wait to read more!

ON TO CHAPTER THREE!!


Izzy




DeerInBacPac says...


He has adoptive parents because his had to give him up when he was around Nats age. More will be told later.



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Thu Nov 02, 2017 12:40 am


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Sat Oct 21, 2017 3:00 am
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Irislillygray wrote a review...



Hi! Iris here,
I am back for another review! I hope that I can help! First some quick corrections.
"This house was only twenty years old, only three years older then me. The paneling had dulled and the window were cracked in someplaces. The screen door was duck-taped in other spots, while the actual door needed a good coat of paint." You say only, like 20 years is not that old, but it is. Might want to correct that. Also this paragraph is poorly written.

"They never let me out of their sights." It should be sight.

"It was the sound of someones heartbeat." Ok, you don't need to put someone in there, just heartbeat, but something like this "The a soft bu-bump, bu-bump of a heartbeat made it's way into my head.", might sound better.

"trying to forget about that weird thing. " This is just a bad sentence. I did not understand it.

"cigarette in his hand now" Don't need the now.

"He yanked my arm from me and stuck the cigarette into my skin" He did not yank Griffin's am from him, Griffin's arm is still attached to his body.

"But that was a good idea, no matter how much I did not want to admit it." Wait.. what is a good idea? This sentence is out of nowhere. Are you referring to the job that Alex mentioned? If so mention the job, it is hard to make the connection with the paragraph in between.

"I could tell that they were happy that I was leaving the house, even though they did not like the idea of it." This sentence contradicts itself.

"Oh, sorry. Here, let me. What's your name, anyways?" I don't think that this is the same as what he

"Then, out of nowhere, the heartbeat came back. I could just see her running still and the more I concentrated, the more I knew that it was her's." This is just not well written. The heartbeat thing is confusing and the "the more I concentrated, the more I knew it was her's", what is her's?

"Yes. Also, the nickname. I like it." she told me but her voice told me something more." This just dose not flow at all.

A few thoughts to improve your writing, you put a lot of description and the thoughts of your charters into the story, but you don's put in inquisitive thoughts, emotions or other senses, like touch or smell. I would really like to read more emotions into your writing. Your characters are kinda flat. They don't feel like people. Here's an example from my own story,

Richard, the king of England, a taller man with long silver hair, yes silver hair, sat at a large, cushioned chair and a cluttered desk. Even alone, the king sat with a strait back and squared shoulders. The young king read document after document on the needs and wants of the lords in his kingdom. The fake smiles of the lords sending the request sickened Richard.
Richard did not look up from his work at the nock at the door.
“Come in.”. The door opened to, a shorter light blonde haired woman, walked into the room carrying a tray of food.
“My lord .” The woman curtsied to the king and Richard looked up at the girl.
“Eva.” He said, and the king’s face relaxed ever so slightly. “You know that I prefer it when you call me Richard.” The king said. As childhood friends, Eva called Richard many names, but rarely by his given name.
“And you know that I prefer when you smile.” Eva said, Richard sighed and let a little lift of his lips. Eva nodded and sat down the tray she was holding at the edge of the large desk. She took the document that the king was reading from his hand.
“My Great King, LionHeart,” Eva began to read the document out loud wavering her hand in swirls. “I, Lord of bla blabla, have fought beside you in the great war and served you loyally request for blablabla.” Eva said. “This man is just a stuck up lord wanting more power.” She said. Richard raised his eyebrow.
“You think I don’t know that?” he asked. Richard pick up another document. He rubbed his forehead. Who knew that war would mean so much paper work. Richard threw down the document in defeat.
“Yes I admit, that his man dose not deserve what he is asking me for, but I must keep his loyalty until I can fined a more suitable man than him to take his place.” Richard sighed. The door creaked open and a lady of great elegance draping with gold jewelry stood in the door. Her black hair was weaved with gold, a gold tiara sat on her head, She wore a emerald dress with gold in embroidery. She looked weighed down from all the gold.
“Navarre.” Richard said, his face hardening back into his composed expression. “What brings me the pleasure of your visit.”
“Your majesty.” She curtsied and entered the room. “I have come to see you at work. I am disappointed to see an unwelcome distraction. As your fiancé have come to ease your pain and burden.” Richard almost laughed as Eva mimicked Navarre from behind. She looked back at Eva, glaring ever so slightly. “Lady Aquitaine.” Navarre nodded her head at Eva.
“Princess Navarre.” Eva said, almost with a sigh. She then curtseyed to the King, “Your Majesty.” and left the room. Richard knew that the relationship between Eva and Navarre was a bit…unstable, but the alliance between the two countries was needed for future of England. Richard watched as Eva left the room, her light blue dress swaying slightly.
“That sorcerer does not know her place and nothing of hard work.” Navarre turned to Richard. “And perhaps I may be a little jealous.” Navarre said, she sat down on the king’s lap, her brown eyes never leaving his blue. She put her hand on the king’s face. Richard grabbed her hand and held it away from him. Navarre reminded him of a snake, sly and slippery.
“Her father is a high raking noble, she is a powerful sorcerer and is the headmistress of the Lady Mages. You mustn’t speak like that.” Navarre humped and left the king’s lap.
“I have a message for you, the elders have come to the conclusion that the wedding shall be held in ten days.” Navarre said, and Richard was tempted to sigh.
“Thank you for informing me. I would like to get back to work now.” He’d rather work then have Navarre nag him. Navarre curtsied and left the room. Richard did not particularly like Navarre, in fact he thought that she was too entitled, but the Treaty between England and Long Hong was needed. However, Richard would never admit it himself, but his heart belonged to someone different completely.

Sorry, it's long, but I felt like you could benefit from all of this. Thank you for reading the whole thing, if you did, (would not blame you if you did not). Do you see what I mean. Evan if this example is in 3rd person and yours is in 1st, I think you can still see the emotions of King Richard and Lady Eva.

I hoped I helped!
~Iris Rose

P.S. I don't do grammar and Spelling corrections, for I fail at grammar and spelling, so don't expect any form me, sorry:(.




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Mon Oct 16, 2017 9:04 pm
Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, Flumadiddle! Pan back to review. As with last time, I'll get straight to it

Nitpicks

They both clutched a bottle and a cigarette dangled from their thin lips.


This makes it sound like they're sharing one cigarette between them. It might be better expressed as something like:

They clutched a bottle each, cigarettes dangling from their lips.

However, I'd also warn you against presenting them both so similarly. It feels like you're characterising Alex and Meg as a unit rather than as two individual characters, which makes them feel a bit flat. They can both be terrible parents, but they shouldn't be terrible in exactly the same way.

Their eyes were blood shot


'Bloodshot' is one word.

I could make up some excuse, like I needed to head to a friend's but that wouldn't work. They never let me out of their sights. They won't even let me attend college.


The tenses are out here, and the expression is off in the first sentence. It might be better expressed as something like this:

I could have made up some excuse, like needing to meet a friend, but it would never have worked. They never let me out of their sights. They wouldn't even let me attend college.

It's in past tense, so make sure you comb through the piece looking for instances where you slip into present.

the window were cracked in someplaces.


Should be 'windows', but that's just a typo. 'Some places' is also two words.

The screen door was duck-taped


Tape made of ducks? :P This should be 'duct-taped'.

It was the sound of someones heartbeat.


You're still struggling a lot with apostrophes. Here's a few things to remember:

1) If you're talking about a plural, you never use apostrophe 's' in any circumstances. So you should never have "there were two cat's" or "I saw the doctor's coming down the corridor".

2) When you're talking about someone owning something, you must use an apostrophe 's' in all but a few circumstances. So you'd have:

The cat's fur was grey.

Jenny's bag was falling to pieces.

I could hear somebody's voice echoing through the tunnel.

There are a few circumstances where you don't use an apostrophes in this way. With words like 'whose', 'its', 'hers' and 'his', you don't use apostrophes to mark possession. 'It's' and 'who's' do exist, but only ever as contractions of 'it is' and 'who is'. 'Her's' and 'hi's' are never used.

It's a complicated business, so I'd suggest checking out this article for a more thorough guide. It's the most pressing grammar problem you have at the moment so it's something you definitely need to work on.

"I turn eighteen in a month! Let me be, please. For once be good adoptive parents."


I found this dialogue very unnatural. I think the bit I've crossed out is the main problem; it seems like you're slipping in the 'adoptive parents' mention just as a way to remind us that they aren't his kin. It doesn't seem like something he would really say, in my opinion.

The flowers no longer existed and the whole place seemed caked in urgency.


If the flowers no longer exist, how do they know they existed in the first place? Are there empty flowerbeds? Is the soil home only to rioting weeds? Be more specific with your imagery.

"If you are here for a job, take mine bucko. You seem about my patients age and if you're a month or two away from turning eighteen take it. My patient doesn't need a diploma or some fancy degree to be taken care of. Also, don't tell the boss I said so."


This...doesn't make any sense, I'm afraid. Even discounting the impossibilities of just passing a job onto someone without going through formal channels, mental health nurses don't look after one patient. They have a variety of duties and tend to different patients as and when they need them. There's also the fact that, even if Griffin did take this job, he'd need to register his details in order to be paid at all, and there's no way they'd just let a homeless teenager with no training become a nurse.

"No one comes to visit, in this town it's a down right shame to have a member taken here.


Comma splice. Swap out the comma for a full stop. You can refer to what I mentioned in my previous review if you're still not certain about how to spot and fix these issues.

I could just see her running still and the more I concentrate, the more I knew that it was her's.


1) Tenses. It should be 'concentrated'.

2) In reference to what I mentioned earlier, I'm going to have to contradict DemonGoddess in saying that 'her's' shouldn't have an apostrophe. In the same way that 'his' would never have an apostrophe, 'hers' shouldn't either.

blue jays and mocking jays.


Mockingjays aren't actually real; they only exist in The Hunger Games. It sounds like a proper bird name, so I get the mishap. You could swap it out for the decidedly more real 'mockingbirds'

A woman was running down the road, a red scarf trailing behind her, a gray sweater and identical black hair also accompanied her.


The expression is strange here; saying she was accompanied by black hair and a grey sweater makes it sound like they were disembodied things floating alongside her as she walked. You also need to establish what her hair is identical to. You could express it as something like:

A woman was running down the road, bundled in a red scarf that rippled behind her like a streamer. Her hair was the same inky shade as Nat's.

Overall Thoughts

1) I think my biggest problem with this chapter is that the events just feel very...random. It doesn't seem like there's enough cause and effect going on - things happen without obvious reason and the characters' actions aren't linked to what happens to them. Griffin's motivations are oddly unclear. If it was so simple for him to up and leave his adoptive family, why hadn't he done it sooner? Why does he suddenly go from not daring to leave the house to waltzing out with very little difficulty at all? If this kind of abuse is the norm for him, why is it, on this occasion, enough to push him over the edge and make him leave?

I don't understand why he goes to Ripper, either. Is he trying to get a job there? But you can't just..walk into a mental hospital in the middle of the night and expect to be employed. The kid is seventeen. He's got no training. There's no way he'd get a job there. There's no way he'd even get in the place - the doors would definitely be locked up.

It continues to be surreal towards the end of the chapter, as well. Why don't Griffin and Nat talk to each other as they walk? Why does she just let him tag along when she has no idea who he is? Why doesn't he internally question himself as to why he's following her? It's just very, very strange to me.

You need to plot the events of your chapters out a bit more clearly. Conflict is made up of action and reaction - characters can't just do things for no clear reason. With every decision your character makes, ask yourself 'what has caused them to do this? What consequences will their actions have? How will they react to those consequences?' Stories should be like chains, like a series of interlocked events that fit around and lead into each other. At the moment, it feels like the chain is broken in places.

2) Your dialogue is still a bit stilted in places. Your characters almost talk too much, without the appropriate prompting; they meander off into topics that haven't really been brought up, just so you have the opportunity to voice what's on their minds. There also isn't much subtext in the dialogue - they always say exactly what they mean, which isn't that interesting. Dialogue is truly engaging when there are layers to it, when there are unspoken meanings beneath what's actually being said.

Obviously, dialogue in prose is very different to dialogue in real life, but there's a lot to be learned by listening to real life conversations and working out how they operate. People respond to each other very readily and generally take short turns. We also rarely say exactly what we mean - we dance around rules of politeness, use sarcasm, leave things open for inference. Get into the habit of (subtly) eavesdropping on conversations. Pay critical attention to how people speak to each other.

It's also worth looking at good dialogue from other authors. Take a few of your favourite conversations from books you love and analyse them for yourself. What makes them so good? Why are they effective and believable? Breaking down good writing and getting a sense of why it works is one of the best ways to better your own craft. It's like taking apart a machine to see how the cogs fit together.

3) I quite liked the heartbeat thing, strange as it is. It's not something I've come across before, at least not in this context, and I like the originality of it. I think you ought to foreground it a bit more, though, because it's a very odd thing for a person to experience and I think he should be more conscious and worried by it.

4) This chapter would benefit from much slower pacing. You launch us into the scene with Griffin and his abusive parents and then yank us out of it within a few paragraphs, so we never really get the chance to experience the harrowing intricacies of his life for ourselves. As a consequence, we don't really feel it. I want more detail on Griffin's relationship with his parents; I want to know his adoptive parents as people rather than just as abusive clichés.

5) I found it interesting that Griffin's back hurt as well. I have to assume that has some kind of significance. You are very good at dropping subtle hints into the story and leaving us to wonder as to what they might mean.

I'll call the review here. Despite the surrealism and the slightly scattered chain of events, I am really enjoying this story. There's a ways to go before it really shines, but it's got potential, and it does hold my interest. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens when Nat reconciles with her family.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




DeerInBacPac says...


Thank you! I will fix the mistakes when able and in later chapters there will be foreshadowing but it will be harder to detect. Hopefully.



Panikos says...


Looking forward to it!



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Sun Oct 15, 2017 11:55 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello, Flumadiddle! Again! Welcome to YWS! It’s Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside...

STOP! Grammar time!



Fear is stupid. So are regrets. - Marilyn Monroe


There should be quotes around the quote.

moth bitten


Should be "moth-bitten."

like I need to head to a friends but that wouldn't work. They never liked me out of their sights. Won't even let me attend college


"friends" should be "friend's," "need" should be "needed" because you're in simple past tense, "liked" should be "let," and "won't" should be "They wouldn't" because otherwise it would be a fragment.

only a three years older then me. The paneling had dulled and the window were cracked in someplace's.


Remove the "a." "someplace's" should be "someplaces" because there is nothing that "someplace" belongs to.

You seem about my patients age and if your a month or two away from turning eighteen take it.


"patients" should be "patient's" - since the age belongs to the patient - and "your" should be "you're."

the more I knew that it was hers.


"hers" should be "her's" since the heartbeat belongs to her.

Robins and Chickadees, Blue Jays and Mocking Jays. There songs filled the air


Don't capitalize the bird names, except for "Robin" because it's the beginning of the sentence. "Mocking Jays" is one word. "There" should be "Their."

And that her mother wouldn't freak out about a stranger just randomly joining the whole party.


Awkwardly worded.

Suggestions:



In the flashback, make it italicized. Also, expand on it a bit more. I get that the adoptive parents are abusive, but did Griffin try and call the police? What happened there? What else did they do? How did his parents die? - things like that.

Nothing really seemed to bother her but everyone has something that does.


Ehhhh.... remove the last part. It just seems awkward.

Also, remove the white space at the bottom.

Confusing things:



and the whole place reeked of urgency.


Huh? How does something reek of urgency?

We walked for awhile, her telling me this and that. At one point I noticed that she was freezing, so giving her my jacket seemed the best option. She had thanked me for that, surprise easily noticeable in her voice.


This was an abrupt change into the next scene.

Other comments, reactions, and fangirling:



No fangirling :/

Overall:



Pretty good chapter. Your first chapter was better, overall, and I feel like you could expand on this one a bit better. Grammar mistakes aplenty, but I've seen worse XD good luck on your writing :D

Give me your soul --

Kara

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DeerInBacPac says...


Thank for the review but um (SPOILER), his parents aren't dead! I just want you to think that!



zaminami says...


wOAH



DeerInBacPac says...


:P



DeerInBacPac says...


Also, next chapter, I will make sure to add something to fangirl about!



zaminami says...


YES



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Sun Oct 15, 2017 5:58 pm
DeerInBacPac says...



@DemonGoddess @DarkPandemonium




zaminami says...


thanks. I'll review when I get the chance :D




But answer me this: how can a story end happily if there is no love?
— Kate DiCamillo, The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane