Ok, so this is sort of a true story, but I am making it fake hehe. This is my first time writing something like this so I hope you like it. I rated it 16+ because of the mention of drugs throughout the story.
Enjoy!
What have I done? I stare at the newly darkened sky, and I can't keep my mind off of what I've gotten myself into. My stomach churns with anticipation, but I am nowhere near prepared for the night ahead of me. I can't even begin to imagine what my future has in store for me. The only thing I know is that tonight will be full of risks, but hopefully the rewards will be greater.
I hear my phone ringing in the background of my overwhelmed mind; With a struggle, I pull myself back to the present to answer it.
"Hello," I say way too quickly. Remember sound calm Bree, I remind myself mentally.
"Hey, you ready?"
His voice leaves me speechless, it reminds me of what I have been missing for such a long time. I have to struggle to pull myself together, and come up with a coherent reply.
"Almost, I'll call when they go to bed."
"They" being my parents.
"OK."
His deep voice rings in my ears, and this time I do forget to reply.
"See you later then," he says realizing that I'm not going to respond.
"Oh, yeah, see ya later." I shut my phone in a daze. Well that was a failure on my part, I hope he doesn't think I sound comepletely stupid now. Oh well, I guess I should see if they're asleep. Tiptoe-ing quietly from my pumpkin orange bedroom I go to make sure my parents and my siblings are asleep. I open my door and start to slide quietly up the first hallway. My two siblings are on this hallway, and I know immediantly they are sleeping by the sound of their fans. I open the door that leads to the kitchen and shut it behind me without making a sound. Just as I suspected, there is not a sound or light in the house. The only thing I can hear is the quiet snores of my dog, Bandit. He sleeps next to my parents room, and I can see that they to are asleep.
Tiptoe-ing back to my room I am relieved.Well that went well. I walk back towards my bed to retrieve my phone, risking a glance in the mirror. Blue/grey eyes stare back at me as I asses myself. My brown, now straightened, hair floats to my shoulders,I know it wont stay this staight for long, but I pray it will last more than five minutes. I would never let anyone see the frizzy curly mess my hair is without the hours of work I put into it. The thought of it disgusts me, I hate feeling so ugly. My skin almost clings to my bones. I guess that's what you get from years of eating disorders. My facial features seem smaller than usual, and I can feel the little tan I gain this week wearing off in my nervousness.
I escape the mirror by returning my thoughts to my phone. My fingers shake as I quickly dial the numbers I need. As I hear the dial ringing my stomach drops in anticipation. What if he doesn't answer, what if he doesn't come at all? Why do I have to think so much! I only have a slip second to think about this though, because I hear his voice on the other end of the line.
"Hey."
"They're asleep, so you can come and get me whenever."
"Alright, we're on our way", he said, and then the call ended.
His words ring in my ears, and I feel really dizzy as I close my phone. Now just to get out the door, I think trying to keep concentration. Tiptoe-ing back upfront I reach the living room. Not much to see in the dark, but the details of the room are etched into my memory. A German made, grandfather clock sits in the corner by our bigscreen TV. Leather chairs along with a brown couch are assorted in the room. My heart starts racing as I get close to the door. I gently unlock the locks, and ease out of my previous prison.
End of Part One, so do you want to hear more, or is it to boring?
End of chapter
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139,536 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Okay hun, well clearly everyone else has torn this lovely little work to shreds, therefore there's not much for me to say here other than I liked it and I can totally relate to the whole sneaking out thing.
Good times, good times. . . .
I liked this! I think you did a good job!
Love your story! I can conect to it. lol haha
I hear my phone ringing in the background of my overwhelmed mind; With a struggle, I pull myself back to the present to answer it.
"Hello," I say way too quickly. Remember sound calm Bree, I remind myself mentally.
Remember, stay calm Bree.
"Hey, you ready?"
His voice leaves me speechless, it reminds me of what I have been missing for such a long time. I have to struggle to pull myself together, and come up with a coherent reply.
His voice leaves me speechless; it reminds me of what I have been missing for such a long time.
"Almost, I'll call when they go to bed."
"They" being my parents.
Try ‘they‘, just because I thought this was still dialogue.
"OK."
His deep voice rings in my ears, and this time I do forget to reply.
"See you later then," he says realizing that I'm not going to respond.
"Oh, yeah, see ya later." I shut my phone in a daze. Well that was a failure on my part, I hope he doesn't think I sound comepletely stupid now. Oh well, I guess I should see if they're asleep. (maybe start a new paragraph here)Tiptoe-ing quietly from my pumpkin orange bedroom I go to make sure my parents and my siblings are asleep. I open my door and start to slide quietly up the first hallway. My two siblings are on this hallway, and I know immediantly they are sleeping by the sound of their fans. I open the door that leads to the kitchen and shut it behind me without making a sound. Just as I suspected, there is not a sound or light in the house. The only thing I can hear is the quiet snores of my dog, Bandit. He sleeps next to my parents room, and I can see that they to are asleep.
This paragraph can use a little work, I think. It gets a little boring when you are saying ‘I went quietly here, and my parents were asleep. I opened a door quietly. I went down another hallway and everyone was asleep. I proceeded down the next hallway.’ It just felt a bit long. There are also a few grammar errors here.
Tiptoe-ing back to my room I am relieved.Well that went well. I walk back towards my bed to retrieve my phone, risking a glance in the mirror. Blue/grey eyes stare back at me as I asses myself. My brown, now straightened, hair floats to my shoulders,I know it wont stay this staight for long, but I pray it will last more than five minutes. I would never let anyone see the frizzy curly mess my hair is without the hours of work I put into it. The thought of it disgusts me, I hate feeling so ugly. My skin almost clings to my bones. I guess that's what you get from years of eating disorders. My facial features seem smaller than usual, and I can feel the little tan I gain this week wearing off in my nervousness.
Don’t be so blatant and say ‘I am relieved’. Say something like, ‘I let out a breath of relief’ or ‘I sighed with relief’ to show us instead.
You made such a point to tell us what she looks like, when it’s really not necessary. All of this information will come in time, and right now all you’re doing is interrupting the suspense. If you really have to slide it in here, make it subtle, like ‘I nervously patted down my flat-ironed hair even smoother; I was not going to let it frizz up on a night like this.’
I escape the mirror by returning my thoughts to my phone. My fingers shake as I quickly dial the numbers I need. As I hear the dial ringing my stomach drops in anticipation. What if he doesn't answer, what if he doesn't come at all? Why do I have to think so much! I only have a slip second to think about this though, because I hear his voice on the other end of the line.
I think you mean ‘split’ second.
"Hey."
"They're asleep, so you can come and get me whenever."
"Alright, we're on our way", he said, and then the call ended.
His words ring in my ears, and I feel really dizzy as I close my phone. Now just to get out the door, I think trying to keep concentration. Tiptoe-ing back upfront I reach the living room. Not much to see in the dark, but the details of the room are etched into my memory. A German made, grandfather clock sits in the corner by our bigscreen TV. Leather chairs along with a brown couch are assorted in the room. My heart starts racing as I get close to the door. I gently unlock the locks, and ease out of my previous prison.
I’m curious to see who these people are, and why she wants to escape so badly. But before you go and write more, I think you should revise what you have here, because there are still some simple errors you can fix.
My biggest complaint is that I couldn’t help being a little bored when reading this; your main character isn’t interesting to me, and her main motive to sneak out of the house seemed selfish. That’s just my opinion. However, like I said I am curious to why she felt she had to escape, and if there was something more to her family that you haven’t told us yet.
Oh, and at the beginning, I would put all of her thoughts in italics.
Hope I helped! PM me if you have questions.
Hey Flower! Here as requested.
I found your first person to be a bit misused at the beginning, here. First person means that every line said should be in the character's voice. In first person novels I have read, and in my own writing, I've noticed this means very little that sound like thoughts. It's tricky to explain and can really only be seen through reading and writing, but lines like these:
Sound like the character's thoughts. You also have a lot of actual thoughts in there, and you're taking away the value of first person. In first person you don't need all that many thoughts because it's the character narrating their own life— they're more likely to just describe a situation the way they think about it, instead of describing the situation objectively and adding in their thoughts.
Your pace also felt pretty quick, here. Events jump around and we're not given much time to process it all. I wouldn't slow this down much, but put very small pauses in here so we can get a hint of the scope of what's going on. It will have us get a better idea of what the current situation is (ironically enough, you need to slow down in order to give a rushed pace) and relate to the character better. This article on pacing might be of some help on that front.
I did find this interesting, though. The character's voice is pretty well formed, past the slight pov issue I noticed, and we're left wondering what's going to happen and what she's gotten herself into. By not giving us too many details, you're not dragging the tension out to the point of it being annoying. But I do maintain this needs to be slowed down a little so we have time for our hearts to pound. It doesn't need slowing down by too much, though.
Hope this helps, and PM me if you need anything!
~Rosey
Hey Flower, here as you requested. I'll do my usual do-dar and offer any comments/suggestions and improvements in a specially picked colour. I think I'll go with a blue today!
So! There's a few points I feel you could improve on; it's mainly an issue with not feeling enough empathy for the character, the plot seems quite rushed. However, you have some very solid ground ideas here, a good MC and a talent for natural dialogue. Just perhaps take more time thinking, Am I saying enough? Is the character feeling enough? What would my reader think? .
I hope this helps and keep writing!
Ben
Okay, WritingWords here!!
First of all, I really have NO idea what your story is about. No hint of what's going to happen, no foreshadowing...I know that you're trying to make the reader be curious about what happends next, but you shouldn't completely leave the reader in the dark. At least, that's how I feel about it. To be honest, I really don't want to read more with this start. Nothing really happened that makes me want to read on. Make it more interesting!
Second, here are a few mistakes:
Why does his voice leave the character speechless? What does the voice sound like? Who is he or what does he mean to the character? Again, lack of detail.
Where's the dog? In his/her room? Where are the snores coming from?
[/quote]
Hmm...this phrase sounds awkward. Unlock the locks? Change that up a bit. Previous prison? I don't know why, but that just doesn't sound right to me.
Hey, you have a good start with the descriptions! But you need to review the plot more in the beginning or I'm afraid nobody will want to read more.
Heya Flower
Here to review as requested. You've already got some really nice reviews, but I will try best to give you a decent review of my own. By the way, I actually finished your review before his, but then my computer decide to have a spazm and brake...
You don't really need this comma here.
You don't need the comma I highlighted in red here.
You misspelled the word completely.
Pumpkin orange! XD
When writing in the present tense, be careful of words like couldn't.
I don't really like how you've used a forward slash here. Instead of using the slash, you should just use something like; blueish grey instead. According to Microsoft Word, blueish is a word, so you can use that...
I think that you had a typo on the word straight here.
I liked the second sentence here, for some reason. I like how you say that her tan faded in her nervousness... it sounds cool!
You don't need the comma I highlighted here.
Overall
I thought that this was pretty good! You had some very nice descriptions in this piece, and better yet, the descriptions didn't take over the writing. A lot of readers tend to fall into that trap. Another thing I liked about this was the idea itself. You mentioned at the beginning that there were drugs involved in this story and I like that fact. I really like drugs, alcohol and sex... not literally.
My main critique about this, in my opinion, is the fact that I find it a bit too vague at times. I like how you've created a bit of mystery, but I feel that it sometimes is a bit too mysterious. For example, I'd like to know a bit more about the background of this story and the background of your main character. To begin with, how old is she? Where does she live? Who does she live with? These details are actually rather important, believe it or not. Without knowing all that much about the characters, us readers can't really feel connected to them; we can't emphasize with them. That is a really important thing to try and achieve when writing a story. If your readers love the characters, and if they feel connected to them, the story itself becomes ten times better. To be honest, I'm finding this to vague right now, but there might be an exception. Is this a prologue? I'm not sure because you didn't say it was in the beginning of the post. If it is a prologue, you can ignore practically everything I've said!
My other negative comment would probably be about the grammar, although it isn't all that bad. You've used most of your grammar marks correctly, it's just the commas that you seem to be getting a bit confused on. Don't worry though! There are an awful lot of people who struggle with using commas correctly, me included. I have to say though, the best way to improve on your grammar is to simply practice. Like with practically everything else, practice makes perfect! One thing that I noticed you doing with commas was using them before words like 'but' and 'and'. Remember, you don't always need a comma before these words. I'm not the best when it comes to critiquing grammar, so I'm not really going to say much on this.
Keep writing!
xoxo Rhian
P.S If you post the next part of this, please notify me in my Will Review For Food thread. I'd like to see where you go with this!
Cheers!
- I do not feel really right about 'off of' =SI've got a free lesson at school so I'll review this with the time I have left. I'll go through what didn't feel right first and then for the opinion.
Thoughts at grammar
- I'm aware it works this way, though I'm more for 'back to the reality', because mind for me is like 'an another world'. It's a matter of tradition though, you don't have to pay attention to this.
- I'd go with : Remember, sound calm Bree. It feels much better this way as it's closer to reality, no? Writing it without a coma there makes me read the sentence fast.
I had to reread this to get it the right way, at first it looked like "They" is something the guy said in the conversation between two characters. I think putting this next to the girl's comment would be better. F.e. "___" With "they" I actually meant my parents.
- I think it should be completely.
- How about Blue-grey-ish ?
If that's what she thinks, wouldn't putting it into italics be better? Now just to get out of the door,
Opinion
The way you wrote this is quite good to be honest. The feelings are described, what she sees is described too. All this is described in a way I could easily read and follow in my mind. That's a + for you. Although this part is mostly about how she was preparing to get out of the house, what makes me wonder is = What risks? Why a previous prison? You leave the reader with some questions and I find this good, it's what makes the reader read further to find out. However, I'd have to admit I was a bit bored while reading it, but that's a matter of what kind of person the reader is. There are people who like story detailed with feelings and step-by-step movement that doesn't miss a thing. People who say this is boring are usually people who like to read the action packed or fast stories, keep this in mind - You can't please all the readers.
I'm between the two types so I can honestly say I'm looking forward to reading the next part, for which I do not have the time as I have just a few minutes left of my break at school. I do not have much more to say about the story itself as I need to know what the second part is about and only then say my opinion about the story in whole. All in all, this is a fine first part. More at the 2nd part later!
Hey there Flower! I'm here to review like you asked. All of my comments and corrections will be in pink.
All in all,
This piece is quite short, and I really don't have much to say about it. There's nothing especially going on except for the fact that she's sneaking out. I really don't like your MC, at all. She seems really stupid and ditzy and like her life revolves around that boy. It seems rediculously pathetic to me and in a way she quite reminds me of Bella from Twilight. I'm not exaclty sure that you should continue this piece because it seems quite drab to me.
PM me if you have any questions. Keep writing!
Always,
~Danie
Hello, Flower~Child. I have not read any of the previous reviews, so if there is repetition, just ignore. I am a little rusty with my reviewing, but I will do the best I can. Here we go.
Personally, I think you can do more with this. It's not usually what someone describes, so I am begging you to try and do it. Have her thinking some, then have some fuzziness disrupt her, but then she refocuses on her thought. Then it happens again, and again, until the fuzzy turns into a ring. Get it? It's just a mere paragraph, nothing major.
Missed comma there. Also, by doing what I asked of you above, we'd understand a little more why it is such a struggle.
I believe this would sound better as: Stay calm, Insert Name Here, I mentally reminded myself.
Another missed comma.
We could use more detail here. Why is this the usual happenings?
and I have to struggle to pull my thoughts together.
"Almost, I'll call when they go to bed."
'They' or "They"
He wouldn't really be seeing this, would he?
These are two completely different thoughts and should not be in one sentence together. Talk about her embarrassment a little more and then start a new paragraph with her going to see if her parents are sleeping.
Uh, no comma here. And I'm not sure why here would be an appropriate place to tell us that she is a neat freak.
Refrain from making this personal. Take out 'you' and use one...or just rearrange.
I believe this would be a period, not a comma. what she says about being relieved is not a tag to her speaking.
I think you can do much much more with this. In the future, if you take the time to write a part two, take is slower and describe more instead of giving me a to-do list. You're flow is a tad off, you describe her figure and how she feels about it in the midst of nothing. I'm not trying to trash your story. It seems interesting and I would like to know what her boyfriend meant by "we're on our way" more than one? That is intriguing. I hope I helped.
Well, I am here to review like you asked
Well, overall this is very cliche. Hopefully, the storyline gets better. As far as your writing style, I love it. You have barely and grammar mistakes that I can see, though I don't have a lot of skills in that area. I love your descriptions, but certain ones didn't pop out at me. Hope I helped.
A. S.
Hello! My name is Kiara, and I'll be reviewing your work here.
I don't think the word "way" is needed to get the point across.
It is very cliche to describe any part of someone as "perfect" in a romantic piece. No one is perfect, and the simple sound of someone's voice is never perfect. Instead, try describing the sound of the voice, and have the narrator tell what they like/love about it.
The orange comma isn't needed.
This all sounds way too much like the way Bella first described herself in Twilight and the way she saw herself, as well. I'm not sure if you are fimilar with the book that well, but if you are, it shows, and that isn't a good thing. Try a more original approach.
This doesn't make much sense.
Overall: This is quite like a lot of the stories I read on the Romantic forum: A girl liking a guy and a simple event happens. There wasn't much depth to the story, to be honest. All we knew was that she liked a guy, and he was coming to get her. We didn't know what the guy was like, or even what the narrator liked about the guy. I'm sure if you add more demension to the story, it'd be a nice read.
This is very nice! =)
I think Hiadel has the setting elaboration down. It seems a little staticky to me.
Also, I would definitely try and keep this a little more involved. Right now it's coming off as just a little cliched, and although I am sure your story as a whole will not be uninteresting, it's difficult for me to get a real feel of what makes your story unique in this first section.
Something else that bothered me was the whole situation. I think the antagonization of the parents is a little overdone, and you might do well to cut down on that a little bit to make it a little less "teenage rebellion on steriods." You know? It's only, the conflict seems a little out of the blue and uninteresting. I think if you fleshed it out a little it would work a little more cohesively. Maybe do an introduction, before you introduce the male character? Let us find out a little more about the narrator first so that we can feel connected to her?
Definitely keep going with this! =)
I liked this! Yeah you should totally go for writing the next part(s). I really enjoyed the whole mirror paragraph because I'm really big on eyes. (Girls and pretty eyes, they kill me every time ><.) Yeah, so it kept me interested and the only thing that dissapointet me was that you cut me off in the end wanting more.
Constructive wise though I think that if you added more detail into describing the house she's creeping around it might make it more deep.
It was totally fine though. I don't care if you don't add more detail because I think its already good enough. Keep up the good stuffz, and I hope to see the other parts.