On the beach a 17th year old girl is preparing to go out to sea. The teenager has orange hair ending into a ponytail which is hold together with a white ribbon, she also has green eyes, light skin, wearing a green jacket with the sleeves off and it is also open which is exposing her light blue bra and with matching blue shorts with a sheathed sword hanging from her belt. The girl also has a green armband on her left arm.
“Ah! It’s finally done the ship! Now I can leave this shithole behind.” The girl said excitedly, but her excitement is cut short. “You’re not going out to sea, young lady!” It was her mother, she has blond long hair with green eyes and she was also wearing a blue dress. “But mom you can’t keep me here forever! It’s boring here! I want to follow dad’s footsteps!” “But Brigitte, how many times do I have to tell you? It’s a man’s world out there. Being here and safe is better.” Brigitte got mad at her mother. “I don’t care! I’m going whether you like it or not!” The older woman looks sad. “If you set foot on that ship, you’ll be disowned, young lady!” Brigitte got on the ship. “Alright then, I always liked dad more out of the two of you!!” The teenager made rope lose that was binding her to the shore. Berta, the mother, started crying. She was alone now.
Later, on out sea Brigitte was conflicted. Maybe, she shouldn’t have been so rude to her mom, but the past is the past now.
She had been sailing for a while now. She was getting lonely. ‘Did dad’s adventure start also like this?’ She thought and also sighing. The girl looked at the compass to see if she was going the right way. She wanted to go to Blood bay, that sea, that is rumoured to have killed millions of pirates.
That evening, 8 PM.
The teenager was getting tired, she was in her cabin drawing on a piece of paper she brought with her. Brigitte suddenly heard something and got up to that a look where the noise came from. When she opened the door, she saw a guy, he had blond short hair but considered long for guys and he also had silver eyes. And the man was wearing a long red coat, light yellow shirt, a belt with two gold and silver revolvers on the side, brown pants and black boots.
“Uhm, who are you? And what are you doing on my ship?” Brigitte asked and she was only 3 meters away from the guy. He looked at her like he needed help. “I’m Grandin! I’m a sniper, I need your help! Some people have been trying to kill me after I exposed their boss of being a fraud.”
The girl looked into to Grandin’s eyes looking for lies or an hidden agenda, but didn’t find any. “Alright, I’ll help you. My name is Brigitte, nice to meet you.” She held her hand out to Grandin. They shook hands for a moment. “Could you tell me who they are, Grandin?”
“Alright, these people who are trying to kill me are known as Ocean Sweepers. They are a bunch of bounty hunters, who clean up West Harlen.” The man explained. “Mmmh…” The girl was considering. “Only Grandin, if you join my crew as first mate.” Grandin was taken aback, but on the other hand, he’ll have someone he can trust and someone who can protect him. “Fine, but if you stand in my way of becoming Sniper king. You’ll answer to my revolvers, alright?” “Alright, deal.” The teenager will love having company on the ship, even tho the ship can only bear three people. They’ll get a better one later.
It’s been a while Grandin joined Brigitte, they’ve talked a lot since then and getting to know each other better. The older man has shown he’s quite the chef and the sniper. He also showed the way were the ‘Ocean Sweepers’ are. They arrived.
“So, here they are, right Grandin?” “Yeah, they’re here, Brit.” Grandin looked uncomfortable, Brigitte looked confused, but quickly got. You’d also get uncomfortable if you need to face the guys who tried to kill you. The girl quickly touched her sword for a good luck charm. “Alright, let’s go.”
They anchored their ship and slipped on board. Knocked a few guys out cold, the two pirates decided to use the ventilation shaft to get to the boss. “Eww.. who’s that guy?” Brit looked disgusted at the disformed man. “That’s the boss, Pablo. He lets people think he’s some kind of hero of West Harlen while robbing them blind.” Grandin tried his best to explain what Pablo does. Brigitte learned that Grandin has sometimes problems pronouncing stuff or forming right sentences.
The two pirates knock out the vent seal, surprising Pablo when they jumped down.
“Oh if it isn’t Grandin? Came here for your dead wish?” Pablo looked amused now.
“N-no, I didn’t come here for some dead-d wish!” You could clearly see Grandin was scared. “We’re gonna kick your ass, Pablo!” Brigitte shouted. “Oh, who’s this fine lady? Got yourself a girlfriend, Grandin?” Grandin got annoyed now. “She isn’t my girlfriend! She’s my captain!” Taking out one of his revolvers, pointing it at Pablo. Brit took this as a ‘yes’ and unsheathed her katana, the handle has blue and green on it. “Let’s go!”
Pablo dodged a few bullets and slashes, but he got hit by one bullet in the shoulder. Before Brigitte could finish the job, a few Heavenly knights came in with their captain Ray. Apparently, Pablo called them a while back.
“Halt! Identify yourself!” Ray commanded. Brigitte started to swing her katana into air. “Oh! Oh! Oh! I’m Brigitte!” And she started pointing at Grandin. “That’s Grandin, my first mate.”
“Shit!” Grandin grabbed his captain and threw into the vent. “Go! Brit, they’ll arrest us if they catch us!” “Oh, they’re the bad guys?” The captain looked confused. “Don’t the Heavenly knight help people?” “Yes, they do, but they kill criminals like us. We’re criminals now!” They kept crawling until they found the end of the vent and came out of that seal. The two pirates ran to their tiny boat and set sail imminently after they pulled up the anchor.
When they got far away and sailed to an island. They thought they could rest, but little do they know their next trouble is on this island.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
Hey-o
"On the beach a 17th year old girl is preparing to go out to sea. The teenager has orange hair ending into a ponytail which is hold together with a white ribbon, she also has green eyes, light skin, wearing a green jacket with the sleeves off and it is also open which is exposing her light blue bra and with matching blue shorts with a sheathed sword hanging from her belt. The girl also has a green armband on her left arm."
----So I can already see that this narrator has some distance to the story. Not sure if this is a thematically relevant choice or not yet. It’s not a wrong choice, it’s just not one I’m particularly fond of. I like narrators who have a strong connection to the story and a personable touch to them, but that’s a personal taste thing. But I would like to question the details here. ARE ALL THESE DETAILS NECESSARY? By which I mean: does knowing she has a green jacket with the sleeves cut off affect the way the character is seen by the audience or the other characters, and is there a better way to integrate these details. I like a narrator who's close to the action because their voice can help guide you to what details are necessary. Like if you’re telling you friends about how you saw someone threw the winning touchdown, what details are important? Probably where it was, what happened, and how it made you feel, but probably not the time to the minute or the whether or not you were wearing shoes because it's either assumed or not relevant. Using a narrator with a strong voice (and this isn’t just for first person narration) will also allow you to integrate these details in a more affective way. By which I mean, a way that the audience is likely to remember and allow them to immerse themselves in the story better. I read this and I sped through it because it was a list and only described the factual details. After reading it slowly a few times, the details are all there. You’re describing a sporty/adventurous girl. She’s comfortable in her body, about to go on an adventure, and, by the way that this section frames her introduction, she's standing stock still saying nothing and staring into the sea. However, the next paragraph starts with her excited and then the action of the scene starts. In an edit I would just say that this paragraph is more or less unnecessary and distracts from the emotional impact of the action which has a much more energetic tone to it. We can go into the scene knowing little more than she’s a person on the beach preparing to go out to sea. We don’t need to know what she looks like and her age can be shown in her interaction with the other character (in this case “You’re not going out to sea, young lady.” Gives me that)
As for writing advice: Especially when your scene starts with a conflict, you’re going to want to just get into it. Set as much as you need to establish tone, details that are important to place characters in the scene, and maybe some physical details but nothing that’s too big scale. A lot of scene setting and description can be done in the way your characters talk and interact and a lot of it is just plain unnecessary which you’ll probably figure out in the editing process. As for how to present it in an energetic way (like your dialogue which is really lively and moves at a good pace) lists aren’t going to be as effective. Lists are hyper efficient, they read fast and tell the audience that if they want to know more they can look closely, but this is optional information. For a slower and more engaging description, you’re going to want to tie in a lot of emotions and physical movement. Think of it like a mime or an improve performer. When they create a prop out of the ether, they show it not through description but through their mimed interactions with the air. A hammer is created through the action of swinging their arm down, a beautiful head of hair is created through their combing through it and smiling contentedly. For you this means, you might describe her putting up her hair in her white ribbon: “The girl threw the coil of rope on the deck of the ship. She paused to catch her breath and to tie up her orange hair in a white ribbon. Maybe it would keep it out of her eyes this time.” In this example the audience is moving with the description, we’re getting details and a sense of why her hair is in a ponytail. If you don’t have a reason why something is the way it is (character detail, or plot detail, or important flavor that affects the way the audience will interpret the scene) it's probably not important enough to include.
Sorry, I know this got long. I’m in a writing advice mood. You clearly have a good handle on what details exist in your world, which is great. It will make editing so much easier because now you just integrate these details and you have a beautiful scene.
“Ah! It’s finally done the ship! Now I can leave this shithole behind.” The girl said excitedly, but her excitement is cut short. “You’re not going out to sea, young lady!”
----Oh god present tense. Twas not meant to be my friend, I am not the biggest fan of present tense. There’s nothing wrong with it, just cards on the table it’s not my cup a tea. Also grammar note, dialogue from different characters should be in different paragraphs.
"Brigitte got mad at her mother."
----So a lot of people will say Show don’t tell. And I’m not not going to say that. Show don’t tell is a debate about whether it is better to go into great detail about how something feels and looks or to just say it right out. In this case you should show because the character is emotional. What does this look like? Is she red in the face, is she impatiently tapping her feet? Is she curling her hands into fists? Each gives a flavor to the emotion and the character. If she’s red in the face mad, that usually means that she’s a short fuse, usually this is associated with childish characters. She’s probably ready to burst out insults and rants. If she’s tapping her feet that means this is more of an inconvience and that she feels above the interruption. If she’s curling her hands into fists, this is the last straw and she’s a combative person.
"The teenager made rope lose that was binding her to the shore."
----So I actually am a sailboat person. Loosening a rope takes a few moments, there’s usually three of them on a dock and usually doesn’t mean she’s instantly on her way. The way you have it written the boat just needed to be untied and it’s off. Which isn’t exactly how sail boats in particular work. Yeah the tide, but there’s a lot of time for them to argue. An easy fix is to have her letting the ties loose while the conversation is going on. That way you can get some flavor to the emotion in the conversation by their actions as they talk, and you can be a little more accurate.
"Did dad’s adventure start also like this?"
----I really want to hear more about this dad if he was such a big inspiration for Brigette.
"She wanted to go to Blood bay, that sea, that is rumoured to have killed millions of pirates."
----Why…? Brigette no, the blood bay is full of the death.
'“Oh, who’s this fine lady? Got yourself a girlfriend, Grandin?” Grandin got annoyed now. “She isn’t my girlfriend! She’s my captain!”'
----Can no man and woman stand next to each other without dating?
Overall, I'd say that this scene has a lot of potential, but needs to be slowed down and sit in the emotions it's evoking. You have a girl leaving her mother and they go through three emotions in one paragraph (anger, fury, sadness) which easily could make the whole scene. And the we got a new major character who with no foreshadowing of his concealed history. And an action scene where we barely see the action. I'm not saying it's a bad scene or a bad idea, just a rushed one. You focus on details, but never the ones I'm curious about. Like, has Brigette ever met a pirate before? What was her dad like? What does her mom wish she was like? Why did Brigette think she could do this? What does she think about Grandin, and is she similarly insulted that the pirate thought they were dating?
Positive: It is something which can be turned into a real fictional novel.I liked the way you have describe the character in the story, it can be imagined how the scenes move on.
Negative:There are some grammatical problems, like- "The teenager has orange hair ending into a ponytail which is hold together with a white ribbon...."
This sentence says hold instead of held, and what does ending into a ponytail mean??
Except for these falsies your story as wonderful as a novel that can be read.