Published January 2, 2013
Through my closed eyes I can see the bright yellow sun start to creep through the closed window. I lay on my chest not wanting to start the day that has already begun without me. Gently I feel his breath against me as he lightly kisses me all over, telling me to get up.
"Please wake up Jessica." He says as he spirals his fingers through my hair. Disobediently, I sink my head lower into the sheets and lay against his chest, smiling slightly to myself.
"Jessica," he says in a sing song voice, "it's time to live and be merry and what not." I let out a small groan in response, while from underneath me his chest rhythmically heaves up and down as he laughs at my small gesture.
"Do you love me?" He asks still playing with my hair.
I nod my head. "Do I make you happy?" With a slightly different tone he comes closer and whispers in my ear.
"Of course you do, what would make you think you didn't?" My words come out low and and sleep ridden.
From beside him I can feel him move onto his back, revealing me to the bright sun.
"Well i was never able to make Sarah happy, so I didn't think it was possible for me to make you or any woman happy for that matter." He sighed. "You are so different from Sarah, you bring the life back into my eyes; you give me hope. And to think, this wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for her. But there are times when I think of ending this."
I clutched tighter to him and looked into his face, "no, please Jerrod I love you, I--I need you, please." My heart began to pound at the idea of living a life without him, the life I had before. Unknown to him, I needed him as much or maybe more than he actually needed me.
His rough hand caressed my frightened face, as he tried to soothe me. "Hush Jess, I'm here now, and I will be tomorrow, and the day after that. You can thank Sarah for that too." Even in my sleep endued state I knew exactly what he was talking about. The day he met me was also the day he met Michael, Sarah's lover. He didn't so much as meet him, but rather had the privilege of watching Sarah step off of an elevator and run into his arms, while he went unnoticed by either of the two.
The look on his face went sour, and his eyes were in a distant place. From out of the living room I hear a small scratch, and turn my head towards the door. This manages to break him free of his trance, for he wraps his arms around me and holds me close.
"Let's run away together and get married Jess." He says this laughingly, but I can pick up the sound of a lump in his throat. I attempt to raise my head but he holds me there and picks at my blonde hair. Before I can answer him I hear another noise come from the living room, this time as if something was shuffling across the floor.
"Jerrod, I think I heard something."
"I didn't hear anything Sarah." He sounds exhausted, as if all the life was taken out of him.
"I thought my name was Jessica."
"That's what I said didn't I, Jess you're just hearing things." He continues to hold me down, but I manage to break out of his iron grip and sit up.
"I'm going home." I say, reaching for my blouse, but he grabs my hand before I can, and checks the time.
"Please don't go." He whispers, as he looks into my eyes. Before I can reply someone opens the door.
"Good morning Sarah." He says with a smile on his face.
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139,622 Literary Works • 672,630 Reviews
I thought this was very beautiful
I loved the writing- I have no idea why you say you aren't very good!!- but I hated it at the same time! Which honestly shows how amaizing your ability is. I felt like it was real and when I read it I kinda felt like just slapping the crap out of him! I wasn't eve Jessica but it hurt! Very good. Awesome. 
Aw shucks, thank you :3
You forgot to add spaces in many places. I don't know why but that annoyed me a little bit. But other than that it was a good story! Just enough drama in certain places and enough romance in all the other places! Umm cliffhanger in the end much? What happens next! I really want to know!! Write more and we can find out!
Thanks! And what do you mean by spaces?
Alright, I finally got to this. First off, I thought this was a really good piece of writing. Now I'll get into specifics.
First off, I thought the imagery in this piece was amazing. Throughout the entire story, you painted an image in my head, like I was watching the TV. This quote especially stuck out to me, "He says as he spirals his fingers through my hair. Disobediently, I sink my head lower into the sheets and lay against his chest, smiling slightly to myself." I don't know why, but I could just picture that perfectly, you did a really good job there.
Second is the characters. I thought you did a very good job introducing the characters in his piece, and building them up slowly. You didn't just go out and say, "Jessica was in her later 30's. She had blonde hair, blue eyes, etc., blah blah blah." You slowly built the characters, and introduced their history without rushing through it. I learned a new thing about them each paragraph, which helped to keep me entertained.
Finally, the ending. (lol) Wow. Like Hannah said, this could've gone any way you wanted, but you didn't. You ended it with a cliffhanger, which I like and I don't. I like it because we don't know what happens, and it keeps that aura of mystery around it, and arouses questions. Who was he? Why was he there? How long? Stuff like that. I don't like for the opposite reason. We don't get to find out, which makes me sad lol. Phenomenal job on the ending.
Overall, this was a great piece of writing. If I had to grade it, easy A. You blew me away with this one, and in the process, earned yourself a follower. Keep up the great work and keep me updated when you put stuff up so I can review it. That's all for now.
Fruit
Ooh, I don't know quite exactly what's going on at the end, but it could go so many different exciting ways that you get to choose from. I don't know who "he" is. It could be Jerrod saying hi to Sarah through the door, OR it could be a new guy coming in from the door and calling Jessica Sarah again. I don't know which one of these directions the story will take, but either's pretty exciting, so it's awesome that you caught my attention and made me want to read more.
That said, there's more of this that is confusing and needs to be cleared up, especially in the beginning. At some points it seems like she's lying on the bed on her stomach, and he might be beside her. For example, it says he kisses her all over, and he can't exactly do that if he can't move. Then there's a point at which you write that he moves onto his back, which made me feel like he was leaning on his side. BUT there are other points where it sounds like you've written Jessica to lay on Jerrod's chest as she's waking up: you say his chest heaves underneath her. Without being clear about where the characters are situated, I can't start to get an anchor on the scene, a good sight of what's going on so I can start to listen to the words and watch what's going on. Instead I'm just wondering what the situation on the bed is and miss a lot of what you want to say to me.
Now, I like that Jerrod asks her those questions: Do you love me? Do I make you happy? But why would he bring up Sarah by NAME in their romantic wake up time? It's just him and Jessica, and if he had any sense at all, he wouldn't talk about that situation. He might say something like, "I'm so lucky" and be THINKING about it, but not mention it, and to bring her NAME in there? Well, it's obvious from the ending that things aren't all over. And I have to hand it to you that him saying her name as Sarah is TOTALLY realistic, especially if he just got out of a long term relationship with Sarah -- his habits haven't quite all adjusted to Jessica. I still sometimes find myself catching my ex's name on my tongue, even though I'm quite over him (which Jerrod might not even be). But even if it was excused for that reason, Jessica wouldn't just take it.
I want to see her reaction to his mention of something like that. Unless she's completely passive to it: recognizes all of the situation and isn't even in the least bit jealous, she'd have a reaction. Maybe she'd stiffen up, not want to talk about it, glare at him. Maybe she asked him many times before not to say it.
I guess that's one thing that missing from this piece: a sense of normality. Is this a VERY new relationship? Maybe their first night together? Or have they been together for a month? Or more? Do they have habits together? Understandings between each other based on previous conversations? I want to know more about where they are at this stage in the relationship before we move on to something game-changing.
You have a lot of strong gestures in this piece, so play those up as well. The fingers in the hair and him holding her down when she tries to react to the name slip-up.
I hope that this review helps you out! Thanks for posting it on my wall otherwise I might not have seen it. PM me or leave another wall post if you have any questions, and let me know if you post the continuation.
Good luck!
I couldn't tell what it was, but something about the beginning of this story simply made me smile. As I was reading your dialogue, thought, I thought it was a bit awkward. But only in the very beginning. The "what not" didn't seem like something someone would say in bed with their lover after having just woken up. Besides that, your writing was very impressive. I hope you decide to make this into a larger story because I would be very interested in hearing more about Jessica and her relationship with this boy. I also enjoyed reading about this mysterious Sarah character that the reader does not fully understand at first. Please write more and keep me posted. Happy Writing!
I'm not sure if this is part of a longer story, or if it is standalone. Either way, I definitely enjoyed it! One thing I would suggest is to work on developing your dialogue. At points it lacks some emotion, such as: "Please wake up Jessica". I feel like you could go further with this... "Please wake up, Jessica," he says, "You're like a bear after hibernation." You obviously wouldn't want to use those exact words, but hopefully you kind of get what I'm saying.
I also noticed that you forgot commas and other punctuation, so you might want to revise it for just basic mechanic errors.
I definitely like where you're going with this, and the love triangle type of thing definitely hooked me. Great job!