Young Writers Society

Hi jessiebear, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
A quick grammar and punctuation check, then onto the good stuff.

When they got to the town hall it was magnificent. The wood was so smooth and glossy. The colour of the wood was a walnut brown. It was a wonderful sight.

“Wow,” gasped Smoke with wide black eyes.

“Uh, what's so amazing about a hall?” asked Diamond with a very confused look on her face. “It's just wood.”

“But just look at the size of it!” answered Smoke.

“Okay, you two it's time to go in and talk to Blade,” said Scorch, walking up to the door. He walked over to the big brown door and knocked his talons against the door.

'Oh, why is it so hard to talk to Blade. What if he does not listen to me? What if he gets angry with me and thinks we will be very bad teachers? And the most terrible thing that can happen is if Diamond finds out I am scared of Blade,' thought Scorch with a very unhappy look on his face.

“Come in,” called a big scary voice.

Scorch and the others opened the door slowly and stepped into the big hall. In the centre of the big room was a big dark red thrown. Sitting on it was is the Blade, a smoke black and ruby red coloured dragon. He got out of the thrown and looked at the guardians with a displeased look.

“What are you here for?" asked Blade with a confused look.

“Um…um well, we're here to ask you a question," stammered Scorch. Before he could say what he wanted to say, Blade opened and closed his wings with frustration.

“Well come on! I don’t have all day. What did you want to ask me? Oh, the three of you are wasting my time. If you don’t ask me right now then get out,” growled Blade sitting back down.

“Here I'll tell him,” whispered Diamond to Scorch with a very suspicious look on her snout.

“Okay, I'll tell you,” Diamond called to Blade stepping in front of Scorch and Smoke.

“I am listening.” answered Blade with a very amused look on his snout.

“Okay here's the thing. We don’t think we can carry on with this job anymore. We need to find younger dragons to take our place,” said Diamond looking him right in the face.

“Well, I just have one question,” Blade said with understanding as he started to cheer up.

“Okay,” said Diamond.

“Well… the queen has a daughter and she has been waiting for you three to decide to quit your job so she can try and take your places. So… if you guys won't a razor wing in your group go talk to the queen," replied Blade. he fidgeted in his seat waiting for their reply. His red and black scales sparkled in the sun light coming from a big window beside his seat.

“Well, I think it will be nice to have a razor wing!” yelled Smoke with excitement in his big black eyes.

“Then it's settled!” said Blade with a very happy smile. “You can go visit the queen right now if you want. You are dismissed,” yelled Blade to let the three dragons know that they may go see the queen.

So, Smoke, Scorch, and Diamond got up and walked out of the hall and closed the wooden door behind them. Diamond turned around and looked at Scorch with a funny expression on her snout. Smoke looked at Scorch as well with shock.

“What was that?” asked Diamond and Smoke at the same time with funny expressions on their snouts.

“What! What did I do?” answered Scorch with a very confound look on his long snout.

Diamond and Smoke looked at each other and then back to Scorch. “Well, you didn't talk to Blade. Diamond did. You seemed afraid of him, Scorch,” Smoke said with a worried look on his own snout.

Scorch shook his wings with frustration. “Okay do you guys promise you won't make fun of me?” asked Scorch.

“We will have to see what it is,” answered Diamond with excitement in her eyes.

“Well okay. I don’t really like Blade that much. He scares me a little,” confessed Scorch with a very worried look in his eyes.

“Is that all. You have got to be kidding me!” giggled Diamond with tears in her eyes.

“So you don’t think I’ m a wimp?” asked Scorch.

“No of course not. We're afraid of Blade too.” mumbled Smoke in between his giggling. When he was done he shook his wings open and closed.

“Oh,” giggled Scorch.

“Well, we better get to the queen’s palace now," Diamond said, still smiling.

So the three of them took to the blue sky once again and set out for the queen’s palace on the mountains. When they arrived the the palace there were two guards posted outside the steel gates. Both of them were wearing shiny, metal armour that covered their whole body.

“Are you here to report to the queen?” asked one of the grades.

“Yes, we are.” replied all three dragons at the same time.

“Then you are allowed to go in.” smiled the second grade.

Both of the grades opened the shiny steel gates, and allowed Smoke, Scorch and Diamond to pass and enter the queen's front garden. There were roses and lilies all around them. Wonderful smells came out of the flowers. As they walked up the brown path way they ended up standing right in front of a big silver door.

Smoke slowly walked up to it and tapped his shiny talons against the door. The door slowly opened and another two grades were posted by the door. Now the three of them stepped into the palace, and out rushed a small dragon.

“Oh hello my name is Memory and I'll take you to the throne room were queen Horizon and king Rip are waiting for you,” squeaked Memory running ahead of them with his green and black wings wide open and nearly tripping himself up.

“We better follow him,” said Smoke with a giggle.

As they walked they looked at everything they could see. The place walls were as smooth as the top of a pearl. Smoke looked up and saw that light came through big, shiny windows in the roof. The three dragons followed Memory and stopped at the throne room. The whole room looked like it had been made of diamonds. Opposite the door were three thrones. The biggest throne was in the middle and it had another big one on its right and a small on its left. The thrones were a light red with jems all over them. Sitting in the thrones where the King and Queen and the Princes.

Memory went forward and did a big bow to them. Then Smoke, Scorch and Diamond walked in and bowed low, and finely Memory said, “These are the three dragons that protect the valley and they want to talk to you about something very important.”

“Okay Memory, you may wait by the door,” the Queen said with a friendly smile then turned to the three gardens. “Well what do you need?”

“Um... well we are retiring from guarding the valley and we wanted to know whether Princes Scarlet would like to be a guardian?” asked Smoke. “Oh and she'd be joined up with another five dragons and they'll be from different tribes.”

“Well that sounds marvellous!” shouted Queen Horizon shaking her black and yellow scaled body all over and looked at Scarlet and asked, “Do you want to join them?”

Scarlet looked at her mother and nodded, her black and orange scaled head at her with excitement in her big black eyes.

“Great! Memory!” called the Queen and in came the small green and black dragon, and as he ran very fast, but he did look funny at the same time!

“Scarlet is leaving the castle to be one of the new protectors of the valley! So will you show her to the door?” said the queen in a delighted tone of voices.

“Of course your majesty!” answered Memory with a squeak as normal.

“Oh and Scarlet I and your father are very proud of you and I might come and visit you sometime if I have time,” sighed her mother in an upset kind of way. “Anyway you must get going. Oh and good luck with your training!”

“Thank you mother and father, I will come and see you too,” replied Scarlet with a smile.

So Memory, Scarlet, Smoke, Scorch and Diamond walked to the front door. Scarlet said goodbye to Memory and walked out the door into the real world.

“Wow, I've never been outside the castle before! It is so pretty out here! It feels strange to not be behind the walls,” gasped Scarlet with wonder in her eyes.

“That's your first lesson, Scarlet. It may be pretty, but it is also has many dangers," warned Diamond in her you'd-better-listen tone.

They were very quiet all the way to the cave. When that landed on the rough, stone flour Scarlet said “I heard you guys say you need five more dragons to complete your group. Well if it is okay with you guys, I would really like to choose the five other dragons,” said Scarlet proudly.

“Well, I don’t see why not,” Smoke exclaimed, looking at the others.

Scorch and Diamond nodded their heads at her..

“Great because I already know five other dragons. Okay their names are Sakura, Scorpion, Shadow, Helga and Marsh. So what do you think?” asked Scarlet.

“Well do you think you can tell us if they are royalty and what tribe they are from?” answered Scorch.

“Sure! Okay,” agreed Scarlet. “Well Sakura is a sea wing princess. She likes to fight a lot, so she'd be great at fighting battles, and Scorpion is a sand wing. He is the son of one of the sand wing guards. He is also very strong. Shadow is a very smart night wing. I thought we could have some brains in our group. Oh and Helga is a lava wing princess. I am just putting her in my team because I like her, and Marsh is a swamp wing. He can be more muscle, ooh and he can be a little silly sometimes... okay a lot.”

“Hmm and are you sure you know that these dragons want to be gardens?” asked Smoke.

Scarlet nodded her scaly head. "It's all we talk about,” she said with pride.

“Okay I will go to the sea in the morning and see if princes Sakura would like to join,” said Diamond.

“Now let’s all get to sleep. It has been a long day.” Scorch said sleepily. So all four dragons huddled together in one of the corners in the cave and fell fast asleep in a matter of minutes.

Smoke with wide black eyes. Smoke with excitement in his big black eyes.

Diamond with a very confused look on her face. Asked blade with a confused look. Diamond to Scorch with a very suspicious look on her snout. Blade with a very amused look on his snout.

“Well, I think it will be nice to have a razor wing!” yelled Smoke

“Are you here to report to the queen?” Asked one of the guards.



“Yes, we are.” Replied all three dragons at the same time.



“Then you are allowed to go in.” Smiled the second guard.

Hello jessiebear! It's writerkitty here to review the 3rd chapter of your amazing novel!

First of all, let me just correct the small spelling and other small mistakes.

When they got to the town hall it was magnificent. The wood was so smooth and glossy. The colour of the wood was a walnut brown. It was a wonderfulsite.

“Wow.” Gasped Smoke with wide black eyes.

“Uh, what is so amazing about a hall?” Asked Diamond with a very confused look on her face. “It is just wood.”

“But just look at the size of it!” Answered Smoke.

“Okay, you two it is time to go in and talk to Blade.” Said Scorch walking up to the door.

Scorch walked over to the big brown door and knocked his talons agents the door.

Ow, why is it so hard to talk to Blade. What if he does not listen to me? What if he gets angry with me and thinks we will be very bad teachers? And what is the most terrible thing that can happen is what if Diamond finds out I am scared of Blade.Thought Scorch with a very unhappy look on his face.

“Come in.” Called a big scary voice.

Scorch and the others opened the door slowly and stepped into the big hall. In the centerof the big room was a big dark red thrown. Sittingon it was is the thrown was Blade a smoke black and ruby red coloured dragon. He got out of the thrown and looked at the guardians with a displeased look.

“What are you here for. “ Asked blade with a confused look.

“Um…um well, we are here to ask you a question." Stammered Scorch. Before Scorch said what he wanted to say he opened and closed his wings with frustration.

“Well, I don’t have all day what did you want to ask me? Oh, the three of you are wasting my time. If you don’t ask me right now then get out.” Growled Blade sitting back down.

“Here I will tell him.” Wisped Diamond to Scorch with a very suspicious look on her snout.

“Okay, I will tell you,” Diamond called to Blade stepping in front of Scorch and Smoke.

“I am listening.”Answered Blade with a very amused look on his snout.

“Okay here is the thing. We don’t think we can carry on with this job anymore. We need to find younger dragons to take our place.” Said Diamond looking him right in the face.

“Well, I just have one question,” Blade said with understanding starting to cheer up.

“Okay.” Said Diamond.

“Well… the queen has a Darter and she has been waiting for you three to decide to quit your job so she can try and take your places. So… if you guys won't a raiser (razor) wing in your group go talk to the queen. "Replied Blade.

Blade fidgeted in his seat waiting for their reply. His red and black scales sparkled in the sun light coming from a big window beside his seat.

“Well, I think it will be nice to have a raiser wing!” Yelled Smoke with existent mint in his big black eyes.

“Then it is settled then!” Said Blade with a very happy smile. “You can go visit the queen right now if you want.”

“You are dismast” Yelled Blade to let the three dragons no that they may go see the queen.

So, Smoke, Scorch, and Diamond got up and walked out of the hall and closed the wooden door behind them.Diamond turned around a looked at Scorch with a funny expression on her snout. Smoke looked at Scorch as well with shock.

“What was that?” Asked Diamond and Smoke at the same time with funny expressions on their snout’s.

“What! What did I do?” Answered Scorch with a very confound look on his long snout.

Diamond and Smoke looked at each other and then back to Scorch. “Well, you did not talk to BladeDiamond did. You seem afraid of him. Scorch.”Smoke said with a worried look on his own snout. Scorch shook his wings with frustration.

“Okay do you guys promise you will not make fun of me?” Asked Scorch.

“We will have to see what it is.” Answered Diamond with excitement in her eyes.

“Well okay. I don’t really like Blade that much. He scares me a little.” Confect Scorch with a very worried look in his eyes. Afraid

“Is that all, you have got to be kidding me!” giggled Diamond with tears in her eyes.

“So you don’t think I’ m a wimp?” Asked Scorch.

“No of course not we are afraid of Blade too.” mumbled Smoke in between his giggling. When he was done he shook his wings open and closed.

“Oh,” Giggled Scorch.

“Well, we better get to the queen’s palace now.Diamond said still smiling.

So the three of them took to the blue sky ones again and started for the queen’s palace on the mountains. When they arrived at the palace there were two grades posted outside the steel gates. Both of them were wearing shiny, metal armour that covered their whole body.

“Are you here to report to the queen?” Asked one of the grades.

“Yes, we are.” Replied all three dragons at the same time.

“Then you are allowed to go in.” Smiled the second grade.

Both of the grades opened the shiny steel/b] gates, and allowed Smoke, Scorch and Diamond to [b]passand enter the queens front garden. There were roses and lilies all around them. Wonderful smells came out of the flowers. As they walked up the brown path way they ended up standing right in front of a big silver door.

Smoke slowly walked up to it and tapped his shiny talons against the door. The door slowly opened and another two grades were posted by the door. Now the three of them stepped into the palace, and in rushed a small dragon came running to them.

“Oh hello my name is Memory and I will take you to the throne room were queen Horizon and king Rip are waiting for you.” Squeaked Memory running ahead of them with his green and black wings wide open and nearly tripping him up.

“We better follow him.” Said Smoke with a giggle.

As they walked they looked at everything they could see. The place walls were as smooth as the top of a purl. Smoke looked up and saw that light came through big, shiny windows in the roof. The three dragons followed Memory and stopped at the throne room. The whole room looked like it had been made of diamonds. Fasting the door were three thrones. The biggest throne was in the middle and it had another big one on its right and a small on its left. The thrones were a light red with Jemez all over them. Sitting in the thrones where the King and Queen and the Princes.

Memory went in foward and did a big bow to them. Then Smoke, Scorch and Diamond walked in and bowed low, and finely Memory said, “These are the three dragons that protect the valley and they want to talk to you about something very importent.”

“Okay, Memory you may wait by the door.” The Queen said with a friendly smile then turned to the three gardens. “Well what do you need?”

“Um... well we are retiring from guarding the valley and we wanted to no wither Princes Scarlet will like to be a guarding?” Asked Smoke. “Oh and she will be joined up with another five dragons and they will be from different tribes.”

“Well that sounds marvelous!” Shouted Queen Horizon shaking her black and yellow scaled body all over and looked at Scarlet and asked, “Do you want to join them?”

Scarlet looked at her mother and nodded, her black and orange scaled head at her with excitement in her big black eyes.

“Great Memory ” Called the Queen.

And in came the small green and black dragon, and as yours’ll he ran very fast but he did look funny at the same time!

“Scarlet is leaving the castle to be one of the new protesters of the valley! So will you show her to the door?” Said the queen in a delighted tone of voices.

“Of course your majesty!” Answered Memory with a squeak as normal.

“Oh and Scarlet I and your father are very proud of you and I might come and visit you sometimes if I have time.” Side her mother in an upset kind of way. “Anyway you must get going. Oh and good luck with your training!”

“Thank you mother and father, I will come and see you too.” Replied Scarlet with a smile.

So Memory, Scarlet, Smoke, Scorch and Diamond walked to the front door. Scarlet said good bye to Memory and walked out the door into the real world.

“Wow, I have never been outside the castle before! It is so pretty out here! It feels strange to not be behind the walls.” Gasped Scarlet with wonder in her eyes.

“That is your first lesson Scarlet it maybe parity but it is all so dangers. Warned Diamond in her you better listen tone.

They were very quiet all the way to the cave. When that landed on the rough, stone flour Scarlet said “I heard you guys say you need five more dragons to complete your group. Well if it is okay with you guys I will like to choose the five other dragons.” Said Scarlet proudly.

“Well, I don’t see why not.” Smoke exclaimed looking at the others.

Scorch and Diamond nodded their heads at her that said yes.

“Grate because I already know five other dragons. Okay their names are Sakura, Scorpion, Shadow, Helga andMarsh so what do you think?” Asked Scarlet.

“Well do you think you can tell us if they are royalty and what tribe they are from?” Answered Scorch.

“Shore! Okay.” Agreed Scarlet. “Well Sakura is a sea wing princess she likes to fight a lot so she will be great at fitting battles, and Scorpion is a sand wing he is the son of one of the sand wing guards he is all so very strong. Shadow is a very smart night wing I thought we could have some brains in our/b] group.Oh and Helga is a laver wing princess I am just pouting her in my team becomes I like her, and Marsh is a swamp wing he can be more muscle, ooh and he can be a little silly sometimes okay a lot.”

“Hmm and are you [b]sure you now that these dragons want to be gardens?” Asked Smoke.

Scarlet nodded her scaly head with happens that is all we talk about.” She said with pride.

“Okay I will go to the seas in the morning and see if princes Sakura will like to join.” Said Diamond.

“Now let’s all get to sleep it has been a long day.” Scorch said sleepily. So all four dragons huddled to gather in one of the corners in the cave and fell fast asleep in a matter of minutes.

AnarchyWolf here to review.

Firstly, what you did well and what I liked. I liked dragons. Dragons as main characters is such a cool thing to write about. I'm used to them being the antagonists or the pets - but here they're the heroes. That's the reason that I decided to read this.

I can already see that these characters are going to have some interesting banter, when they're all fawning over the hall and Diamond is so utterly underwhelmed. It almost earned a laugh.

The names of the dragons are dragon-relevant, which is good. I was afraid of finding your dragons named things like Simon, Kevin, and Jenny - but here we are with Scorch, Blade, and Diamond.

Next, what you could work on. I'm going to go through the the work and nitpick, so let's go.

"“Wow.” Gasped Smoke with wide black eyes."
Something that prevails throughout the entire chapter - when you write dialogue in this form (with the dialogue before the dialogue tag), you need a comma at the end of the dialogue and no capitol letter unless a proper noun is directly following. Like so:

“Wow,” gasped Smoke with wide black eyes.

"...and nocked his...
Knocked. There's a silent k there.

"..Ow why is it so hare to talk to blade."
"Oh, why is is so hard to talk to Blade?" Use 'oh' instead of 'ow'. 'Ow' is an exclamation of pain. You need a comma to represent the pause between 'oh' and the rest of the clause. Proper nouns (e.g. Names) need capitol letters. Question marks mark questions, and if I'm not mistaken, this is a rhetorical question.
You forget to have a capitol letter for Blade a lot through this story. Don't forget.

"... happing..."
Happening.

"...fiendsout..."
Finds.

"...sinter..."
Centre

"...black and a ruby red..."
Ruby red. Ruby red needs to be an adjective here to be grammatically correct, and adjectives don't need any kind of article.

"“Um…um well we are here to ask you a kestin. Stammered Scorch...."
"Um... Um, well, we are here to ask you a question," stammered Scorch. Capitol letters are needed after ellipsis, as well as a space. The commas around 'well' add to Scorch's hesitation. 'Kestin' isn't an English word. It's barely recognizable as 'question'. Don't forget to close off the dialogue, add a comma, and drop the capitol letter.

"... right now then..."
Right now, then...

Just a general thing before I carry on with the review. Your dialogue seems inflexible and far too formal. These are different and diverse characters, and their speech should show it. Use their speech to portray their characteristics by giving each of them a unique voice.

"“Well… the queen has a darter and she has been waiting for you three to decide to quite your job. So… if you guise wont a raiser wing in your group go talk to the queen.Replied Blade..."
"Well... The Queen has a daughter and she has been waiting for you three do decide to quit your job. So... If you guys want a razor wing in your group, go talk to the Queen," replied Blade. Wow, this was harder to decipher than handwritten Latin. No offense intended. Again, it's a mix of different grammatical and spelling mistakes. Capitol letters are needed after ellipsis, please learn to spell daughter correctly (if you mean 'daughter' when you say 'darter'. If not, then I'm sorry), quite is an adverb and quit is a verb, I think you mean 'razor' when you say 'raiser', but if not then tell me, and don't forget to end dialogue correctly.

"... raiser wing..."
Razor?

"...dismast” Yelled Blade to let the three dragons no that they may go see the queen.
"... dismissed!" yelled Blade, letting the three dragons know that they may go and see the queen.

"...looked at echoer and then back to Scorch. “Well you did not talk to BladeDiamond did. You seem sked of him Scorch.”"
... looked at each other and then back to Scorch. "Well, you did not talk to Blade, Diamond did. You seem scared of him, Scorch."

"...you guise proems you will not luff[u/]?” Asked..."
"... you guys promise you will not laugh?" asked...

[u]skis me a little.” Confect Scorch
"... Scares me a little." confessed Scorch...

"...a rived..."
Arrived

"...girds...."
Guards

Just something about plausibility here. If all you have to do is tell the guards that you want to see the Queen, then couldn't any old common criminal or assassin go in, smiling and innocent, and the kill the Queen?

"“We better..."
We had better. Pluperfect tense is needed here.

"...purl...."
Pearl.

"... guise ..."
Guys

"“Hmm and are you shore you now that these dragons want to be gardens?”"
"Hmm, and are you sure you know that these dragons want to be guards?"

Don't get me wrong - this is a very strong concept. And it will be a very strong story with a spellcheck and grammar check, and a bit more care over how you write in general. I really hope it wasn't too harsh.

-AnarchyWolf

Hello, Guardian here!

This seems like an excellent tale, and I am here to provide some assistance and insight!

When I began reading, I noticed some minor errors that could easily be avoided. (Not to worry; this doesn't mean you're a bad writer at all!)

I will be presenting quoted sections of your story, and presenting feedback.

Let's begin.

1) "When they got to the town hall it was magnificent. The wood was so smooth and it was glossy too. The colour of the wood was a walnut brown. The hall was big enough to fit one hundred dragons in side of it."

- Immediately, as I read this, I think "How many of them?". You write they, but you should specify how many of "them" there are. Two? Three? Four? Be specific!

- When you say "The wood was so smooth and it was glossy too", it sounds very unprofessional. I know that none of us here are professionals, but we should aspire to become a bit better everyday. Instead, you could write something like "The wood was smooth an glossy", rather than including "too". "Too" is a word more likely to be used in conversation, rather than description. Also, what "wood" are you talking about? Are you referring to wood on the town hall? If so, then you should say that directly. You should never make your audience have to guess at what is happening.

- The next thing to fix is your description of the color of the wood. You directly tell your readers the color of the wood by saying that it "was a walnut brown". It was good to say "walnut brown" rather than just "brown", however, you should add a bit more. Say something like "The wood displayed a majestic shade of walnut brown". This way, you make the town hall as a whole appear to be incredible in the eyes of the readers and the characters within your story.

- When you say "The hall was big enough to fit one hundred dragons in side of it", you should be a bit careful. Are there dragons in the world your story takes place? If so, then it may be appropriate to say so. But even then, using a singular object and multiplying its number to describe the openness of an area isn't proper. You should say something that describes how big the town hall is and something that describes its beauty as well.

Overall, it was an enjoyable read! Keep writing, and you will soon be outstanding! Remember to be descriptive, and always read your writings out loud.

-Guardian